I've known for quite a while that xh's crisis wasn't my fault, but it wasn't until I completed a financial timeline, today, that covered our whole marriage that a very clear pattern emerged. I have spent many hours combing through two decades of tax records, loan documents, bank statements, credit reports, etc. I can link the ups and downs of our finances with xh's gambling. Because he kept the records and money hidden in a safe deposit box I wasn't able to piece it all together. I still don't have his records, but based on my timeline his periods of financial gain and loss are really apparent.
It's no wonder I was full of anxiety. The secrets xh was keeping threatened our family's security. I felt it and knew in my gut he was out of control, but he kept telling me that I was "crazy" and didn't "know what [I was] talking about." After a while I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to hold on to the dream. I did that for a very long time. I wanted that for my boys.
It's scary what a sick mind can do to others. All the lies, denial, anger. When I read a book about "gaslighting" I started crying after the introduction. I realized that how I had been treated was described.
When I look back at the emotional state I was in the first year after xh left I feel so sad. A year of my life wasted. That was a year I could have enjoyed with my boys. A year I could have had with my Mom. Instead, I was shattered, believing that xh left because of me - that we were in trouble financially because I didn't work. He told me that my friends and family don't really know me. I believed him. I felt like a fraud. How could I have fooled so many people for so long? The truth - I didn't. All those people are my mirrors, reflecting back to me who I really am. It is xh who is a fraud. That's why he hasn't looked me in the eye for two years. He can't handle the level of shame.
So, what I realized today after looking at the timeline that I had created was that xh abruptly left because he was at the end of the line. There could be no more hiding and sneaking. The housing market was in a slump so there would be no more borrowing. By leaving he thought he would force a sale of our house, he would get any remaining equity and he would be back in business. When that backfired he turned to OW. He moved in with her and likely took some control of her money.
How in the world did this happen? My xh is college educated and makes a high income. How coud he have blown our family to bits? It's the sad reality of addiction. It can take hold of anyone. I'm glad I know the truth. It wasn't my fault.
