You have gotten some great advice so far. I agree that you should take all the steps as listed above.
Although my xh is not a gamble, I recognize the same desperate behaviors in him. How they need to believe and prove so strongly that is was all our fault.
The more we keep our side of the street clean and the more we defend ourselves the more angry they get.
Thinking of you:)
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I've known for quite a while that xh's crisis wasn't my fault, but it wasn't until I completed a financial timeline, today, that covered our whole marriage that a very clear pattern emerged. I have spent many hours combing through two decades of tax records, loan documents, bank statements, credit reports, etc. I can link the ups and downs of our finances with xh's gambling. Because he kept the records and money hidden in a safe deposit box I wasn't able to piece it all together. I still don't have his records, but based on my timeline his periods of financial gain and loss are really apparent.
It's no wonder I was full of anxiety. The secrets xh was keeping threatened our family's security. I felt it and knew in my gut he was out of control, but he kept telling me that I was "crazy" and didn't "know what [I was] talking about." After a while I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to hold on to the dream. I did that for a very long time. I wanted that for my boys.
It's scary what a sick mind can do to others. All the lies, denial, anger. When I read a book about "gaslighting" I started crying after the introduction. I realized that how I had been treated was described.
When I look back at the emotional state I was in the first year after xh left I feel so sad. A year of my life wasted. That was a year I could have enjoyed with my boys. A year I could have had with my Mom. Instead, I was shattered, believing that xh left because of me - that we were in trouble financially because I didn't work. He told me that my friends and family don't really know me. I believed him. I felt like a fraud. How could I have fooled so many people for so long? The truth - I didn't. All those people are my mirrors, reflecting back to me who I really am. It is xh who is a fraud. That's why he hasn't looked me in the eye for two years. He can't handle the level of shame.
So, what I realized today after looking at the timeline that I had created was that xh abruptly left because he was at the end of the line. There could be no more hiding and sneaking. The housing market was in a slump so there would be no more borrowing. By leaving he thought he would force a sale of our house, he would get any remaining equity and he would be back in business. When that backfired he turned to OW. He moved in with her and likely took some control of her money.
How in the world did this happen? My xh is college educated and makes a high income. How coud he have blown our family to bits? It's the sad reality of addiction. It can take hold of anyone. I'm glad I know the truth. It wasn't my fault.
GM It takes a lot of courage to go back over one's life as you have done. I have long thought that MLC behaviour was like that of an addict. In some cases, like your xh there is true addiction going back many years. In other cases (like my xh) increasingly dysfunctional behavior that gets out of control.
It is terrifying that highly intelligent men and women can be so emotionally and financially destructive, and blame it all on others. You are a truly amazing woman GM. There are much better times now for you and your boys, as you will no longer live on shifting sands.
golf mom, Many of the mlcers have addictions or quirks that we tended to turn a blind eye or they told us it was "nothing". I'm glad you are strong enough to handle the reality of what your h has done over the years. Some of them just never grow up and take on responsibility because they would much rather stay a Peter Pan their entire lives. Addictions are an easy way to escape the normal every day life and yes, a way to escape their pain.
I'm so very proud of you. You have shared so much w/us and I do hope others will take your advice and protect themselves financially. It is important to put your business hat on the minute they drop the bomb.
I do hope that you and your family will have a nice Thanksgiving. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wanted you to know how much your post helped me.
I, too, have spent months and months trawling through financial records (where I can get my hands on them) to discover the duration and extent of my XH's behaviour. He seems not to have had any control at all, just spent any available income that i made and borrowed heavily against my assets. He took money from my parents and from our children. Just like a gambler feeding an addiction.
I was crazy with anxiety for the last few years of our M, and didn't know why - just a growing sense of unease and an inability to countenance the magnitude of what he was doing.
Our experiences with our Hs seem so similar. Mine left when i started to come to my senses and refused any longer to give him my salary to pay his employees' wages. He was at the end of the line; he couldn't control me any longer, and had cleared out all of my assets and those of my parents. So he just moved on to his next source of income. From his bank accounts I can see that OW started giving him large lump sums (in the multiple $1,000s) almost as soon as he moved in with her.
Like your H, mine is college educated and a smart man who should have been able to succeed in anything that he put his mind to. I really do think that there is an 'illness' involved - and addiction would seem to fit the bill. Hearing about your story made me feel so much better about myself. I've felt like i let my kids and parents down. I'm smart, responsible, successful, etc. How could I have been so blind??
Now, I'm beginning to see what was going on. I could not - and still cannot - fight against the power of his addiction.
I have been failed by yet another attorney who is wanting to be removed due to health reasons. The order I desperately need so I can close my refi next week isn't even before a judge yet. We've known for two weeks that xh was refusing to sign the new title even though it will be exactly like the current one. It's another attempt to try and force me into a settlement so that I can have the peace of mind and security of a much lower monthly payment.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm exhausted and thought of explaining this mess to yet another attorney is overwhelming. And how am i going to pay another retainer? I know I have to persevere for me and my boys. I am praying that this latest setback will end up being in my best interest and that I will be led to a new attorney who is better able to deal with the complex issues of my case.
It's easy to start thinking - Why? After all I've been through I want a break from this craziness. I want so much to just be happy enjoying my boys. I'm living my life honorably. I'm a good person. So, why???
golf mom, Is your attorney in a partner setting? If so, he/she can ask one of the partners to take on your case and you wouldn't have to pay another retainer. If your lawyer is having some health issues ask him/her to provide a reference for a new one.
I'm sorry you are having these bumps in the road, but once this is taken care of things should be easier for you and your boys.
Stay positive. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully a miracle will happen and your lawyer will help you find someone else very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
