Day By Day

[AJM]

It is sad too because I used to be very religious. I didn't go to church every Sunday, but I have read the Bible from front to back five times and used to have a very close relationship with God. I was so religious in fact that I have a tattoo on my forearm that says: Isaiah 12:2. I always thought that if I did the right thing, was a decent person, was faithful and loyal and if I treated everyone the way that I wanted to be treated, I would have a decent life. My wonderful grandmother always told me to do "what you know to be right in your heart." That is the way that I always tried to live my life. I just feel like I am being punished for something.....

I sometimes wonder too if my life will continue on this path and I will die broke and alone. It's just something that has crossed my mind a lot lately.

I was talking to S23 the other day about things that have nothing to do with sitch and he says something like: "that was around the time that mother left us. I realized then that she didn't just leave me, but she left all of us. The boys are starting to realize it too.

Out of the mouth of babes...

If you've read it that many times, you should take something away from it. One thing to note: being a Christian is not a promise you'll have an easy or successful life. Re-read some of the stories and you'll see what they went through and how they overcame it. Think Joseph for example. Sold out by his family as a teen. Imagine what that must have been like. All those years of agony and pain and fear...but he kept believing and kept trying.

I think about all of the bullsh!t that she has left me with or dumped on me and it just really p!sses me off as she goes on and on with her wonderful life. But, I also know that even though she may not realize it yet, she has lost so much more.

Yes, Tad. And I wouldn't trade places with her for all the tea in China. Would you? I doubt it.

I'm really trying and I am slowly getting where I need to be, I'm just in such a hole right now and can't seem to find my way out or catch a break.

Yes, you are getting there. And you will catch a break as your thinking changes. You have a lot to deal with. It's no surprise the holidays are difficult and that you have a down moment. But you need to keep trying, keep focusing on what you do have and not what is gone. Focus on the positives. Years from now, with Grandchildren, you'll laugh at how your sons struggle with the kids fighting in the house. And you'll smile about it

I am not the same....

No, you're not. And yet, you are still the same you. Just a lot less BS..:)

What you focus on expands.

This is true too, but sometimes it is hard not to because I feel like everything that is wrong with my life today is a direct result from her garbage. It is like a snowball rolling down hill and it is getting bigger and bigger and bigger....

It stops when you stop it, Tad. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. I've walked in your shoes, brother. Many of us here have. We did what we could to save our families. We stood. We fought. Our spouses were gone and it had nothing to do with us (or at least very little) and that hurt too. But it's their brokeness that led to them leaving and the lies, the BS etc. What we do from that point is our responsibility alone. She left you in a tough spot at a tough time. That's her choice. Yours is what you do with that and how you take that responsibility inside yourself.


Tad, it's been a few years now. What I see in your post is honesty and the return of feelings. You're processing a LOT of stuff in your life and doing quite well if you ask me. Don't stop trying to make things better. Keep at it. It'll happen. Believe that. The question is when. And while you are waiting, be glad for the time with the boys, and be glad you have what you have. Be grateful in all you do and for all you do have.

Peace,

AJ