Day By Day

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. Just wanted to check in.

It is raining here in the desert and has been since last night. It's also supposed to rain tomorrow and Sunday. This is the first time that I can remember rain being in the forecast for four days straight in Phoenix. Strange days.....

Mom continues to hang on and I don't know why. She is still a little snippy, but not as bad. However, now she seems not to be able to trust anyone. She seems very untrusting of everyone. Someone told me that they knew of a few people that were like that before they passed so I'm guessing that it is kind of normal?

THE SITCH UPDATE:

Not much really, but I do think something is wrong with me. I'll explain:

S18 told me that he will be staying here with me for Thanksgiving. He has not told XW yet. So...all four of my boys will be with me this year. It will be the first time since 2010, when this mess started, that I have had all four of them for Thanksgiving. This makes me very happy. VERY happy.

But.....

I find myself feeling bad for XW. After the affair, the lies, the hurtful words and actions, after EVERYTHING she has put me and my sons through, I feel bad for her. I really do. She will not be seeing any of our sons over the Thanksgiving holiday. This makes me feel for her. Why? Why do I feel bad when it was her actions that put us in this mess we are in today? I don't need to tell you how much she has hurt the boys and me....you know because you are on this site. So....why does it make me feel bad for her? Seriously. Am I messed up mentally somehow? I'm wondering if I have some kind of mental/emotional defect. Would a normal person in my situation feel bad because this person that hurt us so badly is seeing the sad results from her actions?

Will she start to see these results and realize that it is because of her choices? Will she even feel bad or am I still the one that has to do all of the hurting?

Am I messed up to?

I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel bad, just because of everything, but I can't help feeling sad for her.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
It's okay to feel bad about your xw's destruction, but please do not allow it to bring you down. She had choices to make and she chose the destructive route. Let it go.

I'm glad your sons are going to be spending Thanksgiving w/you. That should be a great time for you and them to bond and have a nice, relaxed day. Enjoy the day and be thankful for all that you do have, i.e., your mother is still here w/you, your health and your family. Sometimes life throws us lemons and we have to make the best lemonade we can.

That is very odd that Phoenix is getting rain for four straight days. I can remember visiting friends out there and you might get a shower once in a while. I can also remember, driving by some homes and thinking..."look, these people are watering the soil". I thought it was very strange, but I soon learned why they were doing that. LOL!

Tad, I know you think you are stuck and a mess, but you are slowly getting to where you need to be. It takes time and you will dig yourself out of your hole. I have faith in you!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!

[RockJC]

Tad, I think this is completely normal thinking.

I don't know if you are a Christian, but this is the foundation of the Christian faith. We choose sin and are responsible for the consequences of that sin. But God, out of love, has compassion for us and sent his son to die for us and redeem us.

You are simply showing love and compassion. These are admirable traits.

But, you are not Jesus. It is not you're job to save her. And I agree with job that you need to "let it go".

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job and Rock.

Thanks for the kind words. Christian? That is something that I've had a really tough time with since this all started. A very tough time with.....

It is sad too because I used to be very religious. I didn't go to church every Sunday, but I have read the Bible from front to back five times and used to have a very close relationship with God. I was so religious in fact that I have a tattoo on my forearm that says: Isaiah 12:2. I always thought that if I did the right thing, was a decent person, was faithful and loyal and if I treated everyone the way that I wanted to be treated, I would have a decent life. My wonderful grandmother always told me to do "what you know to be right in your heart." That is the way that I always tried to live my life. I just feel like I am being punished for something.....

I sometimes wonder too if my life will continue on this path and I will die broke and alone. It's just something that has crossed my mind a lot lately.

I was talking to S23 the other day about things that have nothing to do with sitch and he says something like: "that was around the time that mother left us. I realized then that she didn't just leave me, but she left all of us. The boys are starting to realize it too.

Today is the first "down" day I've had in a while. Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe not. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything: trying to get a job, trying to keep the peace in my small 2 bedroom apartment with my four sons, trying to make ends meet and pay the bills, trying to make the food stamps last until I get next month's.

We will have Thanksgiving with just the basics: Turkey, potatoes, corn and cranberry sauce. We can't afford bread, stuff to make pies or any of the other fancy stuff that people have. Christmas will be tough too. There will be no gifts, but we will have a tree because my mom gave her artificial tree to me because she expects to be dead by then.

I think about all of the bullsh!t that she has left me with or dumped on me and it just really p!sses me off as she goes on and on with her wonderful life. But, I also know that even though she may not realize it yet, she has lost so much more.

I'm really trying and I am slowly getting where I need to be, I'm just in such a hole right now and can't seem to find my way out or catch a break.

I'm not even really interested in women anymore. Sure, I see some that are very attractive, but I wouldn't even know what to say or wouldn't even have the confidence to speak to them. And, I'm the type of guy with my radio experience and training that I've had, that used to be able to talk to anyone about anything. I could walk up to a stranger and have a conversation about anything under the sun. That is who I was.

I am not the same....

Tad

[Wonka]

I find myself feeling bad for XW. After the affair, the lies, the hurtful words and actions, after EVERYTHING she has put me and my sons through, I feel bad for her. I really do. She will not be seeing any of our sons over the Thanksgiving holiday. This makes me feel for her. Why? Why do I feel bad when it was her actions that put us in this mess we are in today?

Am I messed up to?

I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel bad, just because of everything, but I can't help feeling sad for her.

Tad

Tad,

The fact that your heart is communicating these emotions just shows that you DO have a conscience in there and a dollop of compassion to boot. What does this mean? It means you're alive and feeling!! Embrace and celebrate this revelation, dude.

I think about all of the bullsh!t that she has left me with or dumped on me and it just really p!sses me off as she goes on and on with her wonderful life.

What you focus on expands. You're focusing on your pain. Take your hand off that hot stove, darlin'. The stove is for cooking the headless turkey formerly known as "Charlie", not headless Tad.

[tadpole1025]

The fact that your heart is communicating these emotions just shows that you DO have a conscience in there and a dollop of compassion to boot. What does this mean? It means you're alive and feeling!! Embrace and celebrate this revelation, dude.

True Wonka and thanks for responding. I feel like I shouldn't have these emotions though and am almost mad at myself. I know if it was someone else's sitch and looking at it from the outside, I would probably think someone would be crazy for feeling the way I do. I feel like I shouldn't feel bad for her, but I do.

You're focusing on your pain.

This is true too, but sometimes it is hard not to because I feel like everything that is wrong with my life today is a direct result from her garbage. It is like a snowball rolling down hill and it is getting bigger and bigger and bigger....

Thanks again for the response.

Tad

[AJM]

It is sad too because I used to be very religious. I didn't go to church every Sunday, but I have read the Bible from front to back five times and used to have a very close relationship with God. I was so religious in fact that I have a tattoo on my forearm that says: Isaiah 12:2. I always thought that if I did the right thing, was a decent person, was faithful and loyal and if I treated everyone the way that I wanted to be treated, I would have a decent life. My wonderful grandmother always told me to do "what you know to be right in your heart." That is the way that I always tried to live my life. I just feel like I am being punished for something.....

I sometimes wonder too if my life will continue on this path and I will die broke and alone. It's just something that has crossed my mind a lot lately.

I was talking to S23 the other day about things that have nothing to do with sitch and he says something like: "that was around the time that mother left us. I realized then that she didn't just leave me, but she left all of us. The boys are starting to realize it too.

Out of the mouth of babes...

If you've read it that many times, you should take something away from it. One thing to note: being a Christian is not a promise you'll have an easy or successful life. Re-read some of the stories and you'll see what they went through and how they overcame it. Think Joseph for example. Sold out by his family as a teen. Imagine what that must have been like. All those years of agony and pain and fear...but he kept believing and kept trying.

I think about all of the bullsh!t that she has left me with or dumped on me and it just really p!sses me off as she goes on and on with her wonderful life. But, I also know that even though she may not realize it yet, she has lost so much more.

Yes, Tad. And I wouldn't trade places with her for all the tea in China. Would you? I doubt it.

I'm really trying and I am slowly getting where I need to be, I'm just in such a hole right now and can't seem to find my way out or catch a break.

Yes, you are getting there. And you will catch a break as your thinking changes. You have a lot to deal with. It's no surprise the holidays are difficult and that you have a down moment. But you need to keep trying, keep focusing on what you do have and not what is gone. Focus on the positives. Years from now, with Grandchildren, you'll laugh at how your sons struggle with the kids fighting in the house. And you'll smile about it

I am not the same....

No, you're not. And yet, you are still the same you. Just a lot less BS..:)

What you focus on expands.

This is true too, but sometimes it is hard not to because I feel like everything that is wrong with my life today is a direct result from her garbage. It is like a snowball rolling down hill and it is getting bigger and bigger and bigger....

It stops when you stop it, Tad. I know that sounds trite, but it's true. I've walked in your shoes, brother. Many of us here have. We did what we could to save our families. We stood. We fought. Our spouses were gone and it had nothing to do with us (or at least very little) and that hurt too. But it's their brokeness that led to them leaving and the lies, the BS etc. What we do from that point is our responsibility alone. She left you in a tough spot at a tough time. That's her choice. Yours is what you do with that and how you take that responsibility inside yourself.


Tad, it's been a few years now. What I see in your post is honesty and the return of feelings. You're processing a LOT of stuff in your life and doing quite well if you ask me. Don't stop trying to make things better. Keep at it. It'll happen. Believe that. The question is when. And while you are waiting, be glad for the time with the boys, and be glad you have what you have. Be grateful in all you do and for all you do have.

Peace,

AJ

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, I feel for you dude, “Hang On In There Baby” check this song out, it’s by the late Johnny Bristol from 1974.

If I remember your Sitch correctly, would I be right in thinking that it was your Grandmother that raised you? If So, then I believe you could be carrying hurts regarding your relationship with your Mother. You seem to suffer from emotional abandonment like I used to. Still to this day my Mum doesn’t recognise the hurts she and my late dad caused us. She can only see it from her POV and she can’t see how this could have affected myself and my younger Bro, eldest Bro was the least affected.

If I had had a more balanced upbringing then I would never have gotten involved with my Ex W in the first place! When I got involved with her I didn’t realise or fully understand the obvious red flags that I was seeing in the first 2 to 3 years of our relationship.
You see, at times I used to witness sh1t between my parents and I must have thought certain kinds of crap was acceptable in relationships.

So I should have given my Ex the big HEVO not later than 1976. But by then I had become to emotionally attached to her and vice versa!
Her Dad was a very poor communicator and her Mum was and still is very naïve.

Love
Delboy

P.S. I believe you are showing some compassion to your Ex. As times moves on you’ll start to get the bigger picture.

[tadpole1025]

AJ!!!!

Nice to hear from you my friend!

Re-read some of the stories and you'll see what they went through and how they overcame it. Think Joseph for example. Sold out by his family as a teen. Imagine what that must have been like. All those years of agony and pain and fear...but he kept believing and kept trying.

But that is my problem man. I have a hard time believing any of it. I guess what I am trying to say is that I wonder why God would let stuff like this happen to me, you or anybody that tries to do their best everyday. Then there are some people that are just mean and hateful and just seem to skate through life.

And I wouldn't trade places with her for all the tea in China. Would you? I doubt it.

Right, but I still find it hard to believe that she is going through any pain at all. It's not that I want her to, but she got everything she wanted and seems to be as happy as a pig in sh!t.


Delboy,

If I remember your Sitch correctly, would I be right in thinking that it was your Grandmother that raised you? If So, then I believe you could be carrying hurts regarding your relationship with your Mother.

Ehhh maybe. I did come from a broken home. My grandmother raised me from the time I was about 6 weeks old until I was about 5. Then I was raised by my mother, then my father and then my mother again. I jumped all over the place. I wouldn't say that I had issues with my mother though. I just bonded with my grandmother. I was more attached to her than my parents. She taught me how to write, ride a bike....I took my first steps to her and said my first words to her. I was just closer to her.

As for my mom, we were close I guess, but nothing like the closeness I had with my grandmother. We've become a little closer in recent years.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Something else I've noticed from postings on this board. Most MLCers seem to have stayed home or were undecided or swing back and forth.

Mine didn't do that a t all.

She was like: I'm done. That's it. See ya.

tad