Feel like falling down

[LoisB]

I didn't invite my H last year. I held firm on this point because I decided the girls and I really needed a holiday without ANY pressure. The day was awesome. Awesome.

My mom came, we laughed, we watched movies, we relaxed.

It comes down to you what you want for the holiday.

I wish there was an easy answer. There isn't. I have no regrets about last year.

Will you regret it if you don't invite him? If you do?

What's your ultimate goal?

[willbwell]

honestly , we can have fun without h.
I will though get the constant questions from d....why dad no come here?

s20 called last night. we were talking about his flight times for getting in town. He asked if h was coming. I just said I don't know, we haven't discussed it yet. s20 is thinking about it. s17 won't care either way( or so he says???)

man, I've got a lot of work to do.( not just on me , but school work to do too!)

[willbwell]

sil in town. had dinner with her last night. she doesn't see talk to h.

h is in city where ow is.

I have asked him to not text d when he is wit ow. that it is an insult.
d did not hear from h yesterday or this AM. he usual is to text d every AM.

feeling overwhelmed. maybe with holidays and exams approaching.

feeling sadness. I know my gifts. I know joy and happiness.it creeps in though. the thought that h has chosen someone else.
the anger that h doesn't recognize all that I do for our children.

the sadness that h just doesn't care.
in his mind, we are D.

I feel those feelings. can't just push them down and away.

I focus on me, the kids , my studies.

I tell myself to thought stop!

time to get to class

[willbwell]

Boy, I need a study break! Have so much I want to have done by tomorrow- all homework...
s20 gets in town tomorrow. D15 home with a bad cold. need to get to the grocery store. s16 car in the shop.

h has not asked anything about thanksgiving. He may ask what are plans are.to which I will reply..

We will eat, watch a movie together and go to a friends for dessert.
in years past, h and boys have done the movie out together. friends is somewhere h would go too.

I think s20 will not be happy that I am not extending an invite to h. It will be strange either way.
plan to put the tree up on Fri and decorate on Sat. h did not participate in that last year.

why do I continue with the dang expectations??
at least we have a sunny day here. cold but sunny. its been rainy and cold the last couple.
I should bundle up and go take a walk while d watches a show.
hate being in this place...

[bustingout]

Willbwell, I find when I start to spin that if I focus on the now it helps center me and calm me. I find that acceptance is the hardest part of this journey. It doesnt mean that we dont care or dont still have our feelings. It means we accept the current reality of our sitchs and live our lives with joy and gratitude for what we have right NOW. Because that is all we know for sure...the now.

How are you doing?

Did you take your walk?

You must be so excited for s20 to come home!

This place isn't where we wanted to be but it is where we are. We can choose how we live in it and move forward from it.

Thinking of you (((( ))))

[willbwell]

I do try and focus on the now. I do try to remember gratitude.
Maybe its the holiday...
Made a stupid mistake today. temp checked. stupid stupid. I know better.
Does no good to beat myself up, I know.I have got to get rid of the expectations. This will be my prayer.

I had expectations at the school event that h and I went to recently. I looked great. thought surely, h will see what he is giving up.
Nope
h will act nice and then I read too much into it and get my hopes up.
No movement on D. Mind reading on my part, but think h is waiting for me to finish this semester.

tired and frustrated. So, what to do....
I pray continually for peace.
I pray that God will give me the strength to really let go.

[BrightFuture]

Willbwell, I understand your frustration. I was there not so long ago, when I thought about H in every event in my life and wished he was there. It started to change slowly when I started to discover what I liked about each event for myself, and not in connection with H. You can set your own traditions and start new things with your kids, the things that you like and that are going to last for years.

Also, about your expectation about him noticing how nice you look… He feels your vibe that you are doing it for him. Please, please, change these expectations. Stop expecting him to notice. Do it for you. I just posted a quote on my thread about how we need to detach from the outcome of our desires, so they could be possible for us.

I hope your D15 gets better and you will have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your kids.

[willbwell]

heather, busting , bright, Thank you for your wise comments!
man I just need to get this thru my thick skull!
let it go...
I know what I am supposed to do.
I teeter...want to be friendly, want to keep things good and positive. on the other hand supposed to act as if I have moved on. how do I do both?
move on while being amicable.

I choose to be amicable. By staying friendly and open though I feel I am keeping myself stuck.

I know I don't have to be mean or ugly. how does one remain friendly while at the same time detaching??

[willbwell]

sometimes I feel like a broken record. skip, skip,skip...

[willbwell]

I have just realized I have expectations about Tgiving. I am expecting h to ask me what the plans are for the day...

Ive gone over the scenario in my head. I will say blah blah blah Maybe he has prior plans and will ask nothing.

Once again I am setting myself up to be disappointed.

of course, I'll have a great day with kids. I know this.

Just realized, I want h to ask so I can say...the kids and I are doing a new normal. not doing this for any reason other than to kind of stick it to h. In my warped mind, I want to stick it to h. I want to be smug and say see...We are doing the family thing. sorry you chose otherwise.
What is wrong with me?
This is vengeful...boy do I need help.
The devil loves me1 I am so easily swayed.
Think I sound a bit psycho!
Even I get tired of hearing myself talk.

Man,I really need to move on!