Thanks Job, Lois and fy for your comments. I think sometimes it is easier to see someone else's situation than it is to see your own because you are living it and living it for several years.
Job I know that you know so much about mlc so I was so glad you replied. There have been several times when h has said he thought he was ready to work on us then before it happened he must have gotten cold feet. Or probably I did something to scare him away. I do not think I am ready for a divorce. I am going out more and doing things I want to do. I also have a much better relationship with my girls. There was a lot of good that has come out of this for me.
Lois, I feel so bad for you because I think when their parents seem to accept OW it makes them feel like it is OK. I am so lucky in that my inlaws are so against OW to the point where they have stated that she will NEVER be accepted, never be invited to family functions. I have always gotten alone very well with them. They know how I feel about H and I think are truly grateful that I have "stood" for our marriage. They too think that too many give up too easily on marriages. They have been married for 66 years. I think right now my H doesn't talk to his parents a whole lot about it because he knows how they feel about me and I think he knows how they feel about OW. I don't think right now he wants to hear it.
FY, I think I will try that. I feel like I have to be very careful when I decide to use the "truth darts". I can tell that sometimes H is more receptive then others. I too think I needed to give h a little push but want to be careful not to push him further into the tunnel. I really have to worry about blowing up. That was one of the things he didn't like and probably the one thing that I really worked on. I never blow up anymore. Even the kids noticed. But like you said I don't want to stuff my feelings either which is what H did and part of the reason I think we are here. I know he did it as a kid too so I think that is the thing from the past that has come back to haunt him. But I have really worked on myself and I am proud of how far I have come.
How is your situation FY? For a while I thought she was coming around a bit. I have to admit I haven't been able to get on here in a while and I haven't checked up on you in a while. I will do that right now.
Thanks for your comments. I truly do appreciate it. I need to start thinking about a title for a new thread.
Thanks for stopping by!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Thought I would update and I have a question for the vets here.
We seem to have taken a dive for the worse. H will no longer answer texts or phone calls. It doesn't even matter what it's about and we have 3 D's. We still have a house that I have been taking care of though he still puts his checks in the bank - though I'm sure he is skimming off the top.
It is making me very angry to the point I'm sliding myself. I have a feeling he has gone back again to OW. I think I'm having trouble with the holidays here.
Now for my question. H's dad has alzheimers and it seems to be difficult on H. He is living there and helping to take care of his dad. Can this prolong mlc? I am wondering because I feel like we have slid all of the way back. And H went back on ad's which I thought would be a good thing. But, we're to the point of NO communication. I feel like he is intentionally not responding to anything.
I don't know. I think I may have reached my limit. It has been at least 4 years for me and maybe I just can't do it anymore.
The good news is a bunch of girls got together last night to plan a girls week. I think that is just what I need.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
complicated, Please step back. Your h most likely feels like you are pursuing him big time. Yes, you have a home and 3 D's, but he feels like you are trying to track him down. If you could step back and case the calls and text messages for a bit, he'll contact you. He's gone underground again and doesn't want to be chased and made to face his responsibilities.
About his father, his health condition is taking some of the focus off what what your h need to be focusing on...himself. However, I don't think it will prolong the crisis. MLCers tend to compartmentalize people, issues and situations in their lives and I would guess that he's doing some of that w/his father. I'm sure he's not happy having to look "mortality" in the face every day and could very well be scared to death that this might happen to him. We just don't know what could be running through his mind right now.
I'm sorry if my answer isn't what you want to hear, but you do need to dial back your texts and phone calls for just a little bit. Try to handle things on your own or ask someone to assist you for a bit.
BTW, you will know when you've had enough and are ready to call it quits. From reading your postings...I don't think you are there yet.
Getting out for a girl's night out will do wonders for your pma. Do it and enjoy yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for your response job. I have so much respect for you and your opinion regarding mlc. I think in my situation I am having a difficult time stepping back and seeing it from the correct perspective. For some reason I can see other's situation better than my own. I guess I'm too close.
I know you're right. I know I need to step back. I don't know if it's the holidays or why I have these spells where I fall off the wagon?
I do go out with my girl friends a couple of times a week. We are actually planning a girls week for next spring. Most of us are turning 50 next year so instead of getting depressed about it we are going to celebrate. We're taking some youngsters along to help us celebrate. By youngsters I mean a couple of years younger than us.
I think what I miss is the feeling of being loved. And two of the Ds snapped at me tonight for no reason and I think I am really sensitive right now.
I think if I really dig deep maybe I'm not done. Maybe I am just hitting a rough patch. Who knows.
Thanks for posting. I need the support right now. Of course I do realize if I make it past this it's just as hard or harder. I just don't know if I'll make it past this.
If I don't get back on I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to spending some time with my family. I also can't wait to start getting out the Christmas decorations. That usually puts me in a good mood. I hope it puts me in a good mood this year. I could use it.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Originally Posted By: complicated (from Rosa's thread)
FY, for some reason I still find it hard not to take H's antics personally. He can be very hurtful. I have always thought H has done this to get back at me because he thinks I have been so hurtful for 25 years. But the longer it goes on I just don't know. Maybe this is the new H?
Yes, he is hurting you greatly. But you do believe he is in a major life crises, dealing with issues that had nothing to do with you or what you did and didn't do, right? If so, then you understand that he is not out to hurt you. He is lost and searching desperately for answers, and people in crises often search for relief in the wrong places.
I understand we all can only handle our spouses rejection for so long, and it is possible that they may remain stuck. No one will fault you if you choose to give up now or later.
But D is a painful process too. So we find a way to continue on. The hope is you find a way to enjoy every day no matter what you choose, and I believe you will.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I do know that D is a painful process. I have a feeling that H has filed or is in the process. I don't know why, maybe just a gut feeling. Since he is not answering calls or texts I guess I think the worse. That is also why I think he is back with OW.
I know before everyone hits me with a 2x4. I guess there is a part of me that wonders if he is really in mlc and he isn't just done with me because I agree that I played a part in our marital problems. I know that I should have been better in some areas. I have made the necessary changes to be a better person. The kids have acknowledged this.
For some reason I just wonder if my h is going to be one of them that D and go on and live happily ever after with OW. Just call it women's intuition. Haha.
This is the first time he has cut me off this bad and treated me like I didn't exist. Luckily I do things with my kids and friends. But, it still is not the same as having that closeness with H. I really miss that terribly. It has been so long too.
So a part of me believes he is in a crisis but another part of me thinks he's not and he just hates me. Like I said I did do things that contributed to our marital breakdown as did he. So is it unresolved issues or is it just our own marital problems. He fits a lot of the questions we ask ourselves to see if mlc is the problem but sometimes I just don't know.
I am looking forward to a good Thanksgiving with family and I hope all of you have the same.
As always thanks for your comments. They are always appreciated and taken seriously. I need it!
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I did. I always love getting together with the whole family and we always seem to talk about funny things in the past.
I went to see in-laws this afternoon. When I got there H was there. Said Hi to everyone and sat down and talked to mil and fil. Later I went back and talked to H and asked him why he won't answer me and he was all mad. Said he had emailed me which I never got and didn't appreciate I barged in on him. I told him I was there to see his parents.
He ended up leaving as I was getting up to leave. MIL said "you are always welcome here whenever you want." She was very upset at what transpired. Once again she said that she doesn't know what happened to him that he was not brought up that way. yada yada.
The biggest thing she said to me was this and it made me cry. She said just continue to act with dignity because eventually the kids will see this and it means a lot. She said you will be glad in the end that you did the right thing. She told me I don't know how you do it and I don't know how long you will be able to hold on but you are acting with dignity and everyone will see how you have been through this whole ordeal. She too said only you know how long you can last.
I told her that I thought divorce was the easy way out instead of facing your problems. She agreed. I told her again that I contributed to our problems and she said everyone plays a part.
I told her I missed the family. They always treated me so well as I did them. She just stressed to me again that they want me to know that I am welcome whenever I want and they love seeing me. I offered to help whenever they needed it as they are up there in age.
Then I went to my family Thanksgiving and told them I had seen in laws. My whole family was glad to see that I go see them. I even brought the dark meat home for them because mil isn't cooking much. SIL is having Thanksgiving for their family tomorrow. H didn't invite me but that's ok. I'm taking D16 out of town for a concert so we'll have some bonding! ha ha.
Thanks for stopping in. Hope everyone had as good of a Thanksgiving as I did. Now comes the rush of the holidays.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
complicated, I'm glad to read that you went to visit w/your in-laws. They really do care about you and love you dearly. Your h is one mixed up, miserable and angry man right now and doesn't know which end is up. Please, if you enjoy visiting your in-laws, do not allow him to dictate what you can or can't do when it comes to staying in contact w/them. Family is very important.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job. I visit them every Friday but missed last week because I went to d19's game out of town. Fil has Alzheimer's so I want to make sure I am there for them.
H heard his mom tell me " you come whenever you want" so he knows how she feels. She has said things to him in the past.
He told me he thought he was going to file in January. We'll see how that goes. I know he's upset living at his parents for 1 1/2 years now and he feels displaced. I told him that's not my fault. I was thinking of telling him I may be willing to move out a couple of months and let him stay with the kids a while. Maybe that can help him see what he's missing. I haven't decided. He has also been unhappy so I thought that may help. He says I'm selfish so that would show that I'm not. He says since I wouldn't move out I always have to have my way and I'm selfish.
Anyone have any thoughts?
I guess I had better get back outside with d. I brought her to a concert. She's really excited so I'm glad I did this for her. I just hope she doesn't forget I did this for her tomorrow. Haha
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
My thoughts? I'd say don't move out. If he's unhappy etc, your moving out won't help that in the least. It won't make him miss them either, most likely.
He chose his path, he needs to walk it.
Selfish? Selfish people don't think like you were thinking. They don't think of others or look for ways to solve problems.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
