I asked H if he would like to discuss winter break schedule today or tomorrow. He said tomorrow. This is going to fall under the planning ahead that he hated so much but it is necessary as I have to work and can't cover 14 days by myself.
For the 2nd time in a week I found H crying in car over something on his phone. I did better this time and did not attempt to comfort as I knew efforts would be rejected.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I don't get why he is always sitting in his car with his phone. There are 2 rooms in the house dedicated his including the basement which is very private.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Still having a hard time wrapping my head around this. A few months ago H is calling and texting mid day to tell me he loves me and misses me and "now I am just somebody that he used to know. " someone he won't even say good morning to. How does that happen?
Yes, it is surprising but basically WASs aren't truthful, and I don't say that in an accusatory way, it's just the...well, truth. They weren't showing us their true feelings...and then one day they did. This is a concern of mine right now but I've decided to move forward with confidence because I now know that I will be OK.
Yay, for the AlAnon mtg! Lots of large cities have big meetings on Thanksgiving, Christmas, an NY because of the stress that the holidays bring. Meetings are held in 2-3 different locations going all day long, along with food.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't get why he is always sitting in his car with his phone. There are 2 rooms in the house dedicated his including the basement which is very private.
He's in the car because he wants to be left alone. Don't try to go to him or comfort him, just let him be. Whatever is going on with him he's handling it in his own way. If he does reach out to you, then listen and validate.
My s just said "I miss daddy when daddy is in the basement." It broke my heart. I came home to find S walking out of the house looking for his dad. 10 min later H comes up from the basement.
I can't take the hostility. I did not contact him at all today. He called at 6 to see whrn I would be home because he needed to pick up something for his work party tomorrow. I offered to get it because I had some errands to run and was already going to grocery store.
I was running late and called to talk to S. H was practically spitting through the phone asking why I needed to talk to him if I was going to be home soon. I don't care what DB says about holding my tongue but no one is going to tell me I can't talk to my child. I kept it civil and all about S and hung up as soon as I was done talking to S.
When I got home he came up from basement, grabbed his party stuff and headed to his car. S is behind me calling for his dad and asking where he is going. I mentioned before that s has some major anxiety issues. I couldn't just have him walk out and not know what to tell s.
I suggested that if he wants to go wait till after s went to bed. That made him mad. 20 min later he came to tell me he was going out. I said ok. He left then came back to tell me he liked a craft project I did and then left again. I feel like I am living in a mental ward
I will not call. If he doesn't come home it won't be a big deal because S is used to not seeing him in the morning.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Hi JG, I read through your thread. I'm usually not on the boards anymore because it helps me maintain my serenity. Reading others posts brings back all those ugly emotions that I continue to work on.
So you're getting mentally ready for your first Al Anon mtg? Good for you! My suggestion is... go to 30 meetings in 30 days. You may not realize it but what you are going through is going to be one of the most difficult times in your life. You need support and although we are all here on the board, you need live people to talk to and a shoulder to cry on.
Also, detaching is a choice. I didn't get that and it took me such a long time to understand it. Detaching doesn't mean I don't love H anymore. It means I can't control what's going on so allow your Higher Power to take over.
Also, whatever nasty words come out of H just stay listen and validate. Say, Hmmm you might be right. (PERIOD!)
From what you've said, I gather managing with your son's behavior has been a challenge for you as a parent and your marriage. I have shared similar challenges with my son's medical condition. It made me believe I could be Supermom but in the process forgot I was a partner in a marriage. I made the parenting decisions and when H didn't agree I put my foot down at all cost. I was also great at getting the last word. H isn't an alcoholic. H n I are children of alcoholics so we practice the same destructive patterns as an alcoholic marriage. Co-dependency, Perfectionism, Obsessing, Taking control, Arguing as if someone needs to win, Silent treatment, etc...
I learned a lot about myself because of DBing but I took it a step farther when I attended regular Al Anon mtgs. I am not the same person and when I do practice old behavior I work my program.
Take care of JG!! Put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to save your marriage. (priorities: you, your children, your H/marriage)
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
My therapist says I am focusing on the wrong thing. That I can't separate the A from his alcoholism. To me the alcoholism is a disease (I finally admit this) that he cannot control and I cannot help him with until he is ready. His drinking is not a reflection of me.
The A on the other hand was a choice. He chose to give himself to someone else rather than be with me and work on rebuilding our family. Every day he continues to make that choice. The sick thing is that I keep telling myself that she is a bad person because anyone who would break up a family has to be. Why would H want to be with a bad person. Well H is willing to break up our family and I still want to be with him. What does that say about me.
Anyway I am still working on the things that I contributed to M problems. The biggest is my need to control everything. To know what is going to happen 10 steps ahead and to focus on the what ifs.
I like your therapist. I suggest Al Anon, H isn't the only one who needs support in this.
You will notice that most of us tend to have control issues and until you truly realize that the only person you will ever be able to control is you, you will be running in circles.
But that's okay, we all did. And that's what we are here for.
What does H's willingness to break up the family say about you? Not one single thing. The only person who gets to weigh in on that is you and what it say about you is that you are willing to do the hard work.
I At the same time I am resigned to fact that my M is over. I still hold out hope we can start something better but I know that if that does happen it won't be anytime soon.
I am glad it's over, because by your own admission it wasn't working anyway, was it?
You have a chance now for something new. From today.
H spent the whole night away for the first time. I am surprisingly ok at the moment. I mean, I already knew what be was doing. .. Maybe if he realizes that I really "get this is over" then things will get better. He won't feel like he hasv to pick a fight and storm out.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
