Day By Day

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Job and Rock.

Thanks for the kind words. Christian? That is something that I've had a really tough time with since this all started. A very tough time with.....

It is sad too because I used to be very religious. I didn't go to church every Sunday, but I have read the Bible from front to back five times and used to have a very close relationship with God. I was so religious in fact that I have a tattoo on my forearm that says: Isaiah 12:2. I always thought that if I did the right thing, was a decent person, was faithful and loyal and if I treated everyone the way that I wanted to be treated, I would have a decent life. My wonderful grandmother always told me to do "what you know to be right in your heart." That is the way that I always tried to live my life. I just feel like I am being punished for something.....

I sometimes wonder too if my life will continue on this path and I will die broke and alone. It's just something that has crossed my mind a lot lately.

I was talking to S23 the other day about things that have nothing to do with sitch and he says something like: "that was around the time that mother left us. I realized then that she didn't just leave me, but she left all of us. The boys are starting to realize it too.

Today is the first "down" day I've had in a while. Maybe it is the holidays. Maybe not. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything: trying to get a job, trying to keep the peace in my small 2 bedroom apartment with my four sons, trying to make ends meet and pay the bills, trying to make the food stamps last until I get next month's.

We will have Thanksgiving with just the basics: Turkey, potatoes, corn and cranberry sauce. We can't afford bread, stuff to make pies or any of the other fancy stuff that people have. Christmas will be tough too. There will be no gifts, but we will have a tree because my mom gave her artificial tree to me because she expects to be dead by then.

I think about all of the bullsh!t that she has left me with or dumped on me and it just really p!sses me off as she goes on and on with her wonderful life. But, I also know that even though she may not realize it yet, she has lost so much more.

I'm really trying and I am slowly getting where I need to be, I'm just in such a hole right now and can't seem to find my way out or catch a break.

I'm not even really interested in women anymore. Sure, I see some that are very attractive, but I wouldn't even know what to say or wouldn't even have the confidence to speak to them. And, I'm the type of guy with my radio experience and training that I've had, that used to be able to talk to anyone about anything. I could walk up to a stranger and have a conversation about anything under the sun. That is who I was.

I am not the same....

Tad