Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...

[Pudmuddle]

Still trying to get up that great Big Hill...of hope.

Time to start a new thread.

The Big Hill

Here's to a big can of whoop@ss HOPE!

[Pudmuddle]

Thank you T and Betsey for the great posts. Somehow I missed some of the ones in between and now the post is locked. I will need to read and reread these and chew on them for a bit.

B, your mr wonderful story is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

And I thought my tear well was gone, but seems to have replenished itself.

[Feenix]

WOW! I just spend some time catching up on your weekend!!! What a roller coaster ride!

I'm just blown away with all the raw emotions....from your good "date" with your H to your very honest conversation with him.

I don't have any wisdom to impart...but others have told you some good stuff.

And, yes, Pudmuddle....you have to find a way to forgive yourself and your H NO MATTER if he ever forgives your or himself.

HUGS!

[Ambivalent]

Pud,

I am going to offer something I saw. Please take this the way intended, with sincerity .

I noticed when you had "the" conversation, that both of you wanted to be heard. It seemed neither of you validated each other.

It also seemed as if you believe that because you suffer from what I suffer, depression, that your affair had a better excuse than his! Now perhaps if you let him know that there was NO excuse for what you did, perhaps you will forgive yourself.

Whether he does or not, you can't control. However, validating goes a long way in these types of conversations.

How 'bout ..." I can see how you may have needed to connect, or release or run to less stress. "

Also, perhaps the next time you have a need, such as support when suffering, let him know exactly what it is you need. Be specific. This speaks to his planet ( Mars ) and his need to fix things.

I need a hug, I need your manly body on top of me...heh heh heh! >;}...This way he is set up to win! He will know what you need and he can fix something. You get what you need and he knows how to fix what needs fixing!

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Ambiv, No worries, I'm always gracious to people who offer their point of view.

I think you misunderstood where the depression happened. My depression never happened because of any EA's or PA's I had. I had those over 7 years ago. The depression that happened part of last year and this year is because of other life events I had happen, (his downward spiral of anger and being critical of us all the time and my father's death) not an excuse for any affair I had. I have not had any affairs this time around because after having been through that pain I would never want to do that to anyone ever again. I felt he was trying to justify my thinking of making excuses for his affair(s) to other people by saying he was always making excuses for my depression when I was in the depths of despair. There seems to be no comparison for a disease versus a bad choice, in my mind. It's an illness like anything else, just not as obvious because is not a seriously named physical illness. Although it is slowly gaining more recognition.

You may be right about the validation part, both of us are still hurt by things and so I know the feelings come out way before the validation.

Thanks for picking this up.

[RosaLinda]

Pud, thanks for your honesty in addressing your depression. MLC has given me many moments of grief, feeling so sad, but it was situational. I cannot imagine feeling like that all the tilme, it must have been awful. I have so much respect for you for having addressed this issue in your life. AlbaMarie gave me a great book you might be interested in, regarding living with a depressed spouse. Depression Fallout by Ann Shefield. I've only read the first chapter so far, but it seems really helpful.

Amba! "I need a hug, I need your manly body on top of me...heh heh heh! >;}...This way he is set up to win! He will know what you need and he can fix something. You get what you need and he knows how to fix what needs fixing!"

Wow, hot stuff! That sounds like a win - win situation !

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Linda. I've always had seasonal depression, SAD syndrome, that comes on in the fall when the sun goes away. It usually was only mild depression in those cases. Then when life events just got to be too overwhelming it turned into more situational and clinical depression. Crying all the time, for no reason and then feeling so dark, I don't even want to describe that. It was awful. I think someone else has mentioned that book, so I'll have to look into it. thanks.

I know Ambi has some HEAT going on over there! It made me kind of go "wow did the room just get really warm?" LOL

[uRworthy]

Hey Pud, just a few things, if I may. I know you want him to understand about your depression. As someone who used to suffer from a deep depression, I know your pain. It is near impossible for anyone to really grasp what it feels like unless they have gone through it.

So, you had this talk. And truthfully, I think you want him to understand a great many things and the thing is, he just cant right now.

However, you said what you wanted to say. He heard it. I dont think you need to say them again anytime in the near future.
Let him sit with it all and process what he can.

And Pud, you really do need to forgive yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools at the time. And to hold onto it stops you from moving forward.

(((hugs)))

[Ab Fab]

Pud, I have suffered with SAD for many years. However there are two things that have helped.

Getting outside in the middle of the day, particularly the cold bright days, helps - I walk the dog then and exercise is beneficial with SAD.

I purchased a special SAD lamp- simulates day light. If you sit beside/infront of it for about 1 hour a day it can really help. If you are out at work, some people take them to work with them and have them on their desk. I find it best when I sit and eat breakfast. Helps to wake me up and get going, although any time up to early afternoon is good. Don't use it too late though as it can upset your sleep routine. Not cheap, but I have had mine about 10 years and it is still going strong with 1st bulb.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks uR. Yes, I know, I need to stay still for a bit. I want him to think better of me and that may never happen and I have to realize that. I know I have to SHOW him that I am a better person first. I know talking, talking, talking at him won't sink in unless it is done at the right time and in the right way.

Aa, I do all of the above. I get out with my dog often, or at work if the sun is out I go for a brisk walk. I need to find another form of exercise as it is getting too dang cold here. I also have a SAD lamp, but haven't used it in a while. Sitting at breakfast would be a great way to use it.

Another thing I do is take extra vitamin D as that is sunshine in a bottle. Thanks for the tips, I appreciate it.