It took me some time for me to come up with the title. I’ve been listening to a lot of Pink Floyd on XM radio recently. This song just resonates with me at this time.
“Where were you when I was burned and broken While the days slipped by from my window watching Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless Because the things you say and the things you do surround me While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words Dying to believe in what you heard I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted Outside the rain fell dark and slow While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime I took a heavenly ride through our silence I knew the moment had arrived For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence I knew the waiting had begun And I headed straight..into the shining sun “
I don’t know if it is holidays, but I’ve been feeling sad and a bit anxious these days. I don’t know why I feel anxious, maybe because my H is going to finish his work and come to the vacation home for the winter. I’ve been dreading this time… I would prefer him to stay where he works forever. I took his car for a wash yesterday (it needed a wash after my last trip to Mexico), because I’m going to drive to the vacation home for Thanksgiving. I felt uncomfortable in his car. This was something new, I didn’t have this feeling before when I was driving his car. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel like I don’t want to let anything related to H into my life anymore. I feel like I need to leave H in the past and I’m actually starting to be excited about the new possibilities in my life, like I want to head “strait into the shining sun”.
It feels strange. It is like I want to move on, but I’m still holding this last thread of the rope in my hand and hesitating to let it go completely.
I’m going to the vacation home and I will spend the Thanksgiving with my friends. I’m not as excited this time as I was before when I was going there. I don’t know why. Maybe because I will not spend it with my family. My sister has to work on Thursday, so they are doing the dinner on Friday, and it is not even a traditional TG dinner. Plus my Mom is there and I’m constantly on guard with her around, waiting for her to say something that would upset me. My son and his GF are going to her family dinner. They normally stop by at everybody’s, but it is not the same as having the whole family together. My BIL (H’s brother) texted me the other day asking what my and my family plans were for TG. He wanted to invite us to his house. I kind feel uneasy about it, especially with my Mom around, so I declined. I decided that the best thing for me would be to spend some time with my friends. But now, I feel weird about it too. I will be there by myself, everybody else is there as a couple of family. I feel sad, but I figured it would be better over there than at home completely by myself.
I’ve been catching myself thinking about meeting somebody new and wonderful. I want to leave all the hurt and resentment and anger in the past. I do want to come back to life full of possibilities and joy.
Happy Thanksgiving to everybody.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
