Wife says she wants to leave

[Accuray]

She wishes that i was more assertive. (She feels like she is the stronger individual in the relationship and doesn't want to be that person. She wants to be taken care of)

Well that's interesting. Did you used to be more assertive when you were dating and became more passive? This is actually a fairly tricky issue to navigate because in the end, you need to be true to yourself and who YOU want to be. If you want to be more assertive, then pursue it. The worst thing you can do is temporarily put on an assertive act for your W, and then not be consistent. That will torpedo you fast.

In the course of my wanderings I've read a few books that touch on your W's complaint. Some, but not all women, want you to be "The Captain" in the relationship, and they want to be the "First Officer". That's much different from saying they want to be a deck hand, they are just looking for you to take the lead because it makes them feel safe.

There are subtle things you can do to improve this dynamic. One is not to ask open ended questions, but instead make a suggestion and seek confirmation.

For example, replace "Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?" with "I was thinking we'd go to that Indian place for dinner tonight, does that sound okay with you?"

In the second case, you're leading, but if she doesn't agree, you can have a discussion and go where she wants if you don't care that much. In the first case, you're dumping the decision in her lap.

The subtlety is to replace "what should I/we do?" with "Here's what I/we are going to do, what do you think?"

The "what do you think" is key, because you don't want to steamroll, remember, she's your first mate.

So with that as context, let's look at this:

I asked her this morning. "W, you mentioned last night that you felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don't want an answer now, or expect one, but is their anything that I can do on my end to help eleviate some of that weight?" and I asked her to think about it, told her to have a nice morning, and left for work.

You gave her homework rather than leading.

i.e. rephrase that to say "W, you mentioned last night that you felt you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. Starting today, we're going to change that. I am going to start [paying the bills, arranging childcare, whatever], how does that sound to you?"

See how the intention is the same, but in the second case you're coming across as more assertive?

Acc