Quarter Life Crisis?

[flgurl84]

Subject:DONT READ THIS IF YOU ARE BUSY WITH WORK

SAVE IT FOR WHEN YOU HAVE TIME. JUST GETTING MY FEELINGS OUT.


I DON'T NEED A RESPONSE

Dear Boo,

Well 2013 sure has been a dousey huh?! I feel like I have so much to say to you, but I am so scared to at the same time.


Let me first thank you. Despite the situation we are in, we have both been able to approach each other with respect and kindness. I'm glad that we are able to put our hurts aside and be the caring people I know we are.


That being said, this past 6 months has really opened my eyes. I want you to know a few things:


Those times when I stated (hysterically) that you were my everything, my world, I am nothing without you, I have nothing to live for with out you...those statements are FALSE. I was WRONG. I actually feel really stupid and embarrassed by the things I said. I believe my life holds many good things for me. I used to think you were one of them, but I cannot change you and I don't want to. I also cannot change how you feel. Your feelings about things (life, kids, us, money, having fun, spending time, sex, etc) are real and valid and I'm sorry if I made you feel otherwise.


I can't depend on you to be my "everything" and I don't want you to be. I know that I need relationships with people outside of our marriage and hobbies that only I enjoy. You also need this and I need a better handle on myself to not feel insecure when you do pursue other friendships and hobbies that don't include me.


I do not want to control you. Since I did all the grocery/personal shopping, I really take for granted picking out my own "stuff" since I always do it. Being able to go to Walmart and buy what you want for yourself must feel really good and I never wanted to take that away or control that. You can take care of yourself and you will not wither away if I don't cook you meals or do your laundry. Deep down I knew that and I am actually really proud of the people we are. We are TRUE grown ups Boo! We can take care of ourselves. We do not NEED each other to take care of the other.


One of the big things I would like us to work on (if working on and staying in the marriage is what we want) is being able to discuss the problems we have with each other. As you may know, I DO NOT have a problem with telling you what I think you do wrong, lol. I am sure this summer showed you that. I did a lot of b*tching at you, and basically told you how you did nothing right and everything wrong. There is so much more good that you do, and I let the bad times we are going through overshadow that. I am sorry and that is something that haunts me everyday, that I made the most important person in my life probably feel worthless (I assume). In the past you have tried to tell me things that you would like me to work on or change, and I have taken every criticism you had of me as you being "mean" to me or trying to hurt my feelings. I turned into my mom. I thought I was perfect, my way was the right way and how dare you question me or want me to change. That is the old Monica, and I work on myself everyday to change things about myself that I don't like. I really wish you WOULD tell me things I could change to make things better between us! Tell me what I do wrong or tell me what you would like me to do or when I hurt your feelings. Open up to me. I have been criticizing myself a lot and it feels good to make changes for me. I would like to make changes and grow for us also.



That being said, the only thing that you have told me is you want to be alone. That is what I have been trying to give to you. I know that financial circumstances force us to be under the same roof. I am sorry for my crying over you going to your friend's house. After the last time you went I feel like it finally clicked in my head, and I do not take it personal. I do not understand what you are going through. I am trying to understand. And if being alone is what you need you can definitely have it. But understand this, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You cannot expect me to be your wife, when you are not my husband. I can only assume that you are moving on with your life and it doesn't include me, so that is my plan also. If this is not the case, please tell me!


We have until May 2014 for our major credit cards to be paid off. After May 2014, the only thing we will have is the TV ($50 till 2015) and G8. We will be in a better financial position to figure out living arrangements then, depending on where we both are with this.


I am starting to live my life for me. I am not putting any expectations on you for anything or for the future. I depend on you for nothing but the home and financial right now. I am trying to live my life, as it would be without you. I've made a budget for myself that includes mortgage of a small home, and bills that will only include me, not joint bills. Mom has already told me that she would help me financially if needed and I do plan to go back to waitressing to start putting money away to save for a house for me and Paw. Although it makes me sad to do that, I am a realist and I will not live in this fantasy world that you will snap back to reality and be my husband again. I am making decisions for my life as if that is not going to happen, as if I will be divorced by this time next year, and me and Paw and the Bunnys will be living alone. And I am OK with that. Please know this is not what I WANT. But if you don't want to be married to me anymore, then I HAVE to do this. I will not beg you to stay with me, I have more pride than that, and I do not need to beg ANYONE to be in my life. We don't talk much, so I don't know, but you seem to be living your life for you and your business and your well being. And I do not judge you for that. I cannot make you happy. I can certainly do things that bring happiness into your life. But you cannot expect much from me either. I finally understand what Tony G was saying. Look out for number 1 because no one else is going to. So that is what I am doing.



There are certain things I expect from a relationship.



I cannot live my life without affection. I need more than hugs. Although your hugs are wonderful, I need more. I need kissing, holding hands, and sex. As much as I wish I didn't, I still want them with you. I enjoyed all those things. Holding hands on the way into stores, kissing good night, games of grab ass in the kitchen, dancing in the kitchen, your mouth on certain parts of me I miss with you so much. I don't think you are a bad person because you can't give that to me. It is what it is. But I will not live in a sexless marriage.



I also want a family. Don't get me wrong, my two year baby plan is a hopeless dream, and I am OK with that. I am SO HAPPY we do not have children. The dog is stressed enough by this. I can't imagine having to take care of another life that we created, by myself. But I do believe I was meant to have children. I enjoy children and I have a strong maternal instinct. Do I want to just do it with no plan, no savings, no money? NO WAY. You know me, I need a plan. I believe I have 5-7 more years of fertility left. And if not that's OK. I will not be taking birth control pills anymore. I have pumped by body with hormones for 13 years. I would like to give myself a rest, and plan to get my "stuff" back to a more natural state, prepared for babies.



I also need quality time. Time when me and my significant other are together and there is no cell phones, no work phone calls, just me and him. It doesn't have to be for hours on end or even a planned night. 20min- hour during the week to talk about our days with no cell phones or TV and a day on the weekend for us to have fun and sex, some time that my significant other gives me their undivided attention. I understand that money and finances and the business have put a hold on quality time for us. But I need my man to be able to tell his friends that he has plans with me tonight and no they can't come to the house. This shows me that I am a priority and my feelings matter. My life with my significant other is sacred to me and I need time to be with my man by ourselves.



These three things, I will not give up for anyone. I will make compromises and work towards a common ground, but I will not give up my dreams for someone. I will give them up because I want to give them up. Having children I am still on shaky grounds with, what I am going through right now with my mom and you, I would not wish upon anyone. I do not know if I want to bring life into a world that I can't see much good in right now.



But I will not live without sex. I am a gorgeous women, I am healthy, and I have a lot of affection to give. I will not seek out men just for sex, and I will be OK by myself and handling the sexual drought that I am going through and will probably go through for a long time until I find someone worthy of my body again. But I know that I am a sexual being. I like it, I like experimenting with new things, and I thought that we were on the same wavelength with that.



And I will not be put on the back burner all the time. Sometime I can understand. But if my significant other is so unwilling to make time to spend with me, then they must not like being around me very much.



I'm not expecting you to write me a long email back, or come running to me to talk about us. I just had to get this off my chest. I've been holding it in for a long time. In fact I don't want a reply or to talk unless YOU want to. I know you are working on you, I am just telling you where I am. I don't know if it hurts or helps. If it hurts that was not my intention. I also know you are working. You are always working. Take this email and do what you want with it. I just couldn't hold this in any longer