Hi Bug, I just finally found your thread, and wanted to say what an inspiration you are! Such great wisdom from you and others on this thread. We have a lot of similarities in our situations, so I pay particular attention to your insight when I see your posts.
I love that you are dating your H. I hope things continue to go well.
I am soooooo in my own way right now . . . must work on that. Great to see the reminders here.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Just stopping by to say hi. I went for a walk on the strand today to watch the sunset and thought about you.
I am so happy things are continuing to improve and move forward - with you... (and also with your H).
(((((bug))))
PS - I see this that you brought the party with you over here - I see a lot of names I know. It's good to see so many still posting! (I posted today in Newcomers, but hardly recognized any name. There should be a section for "not-so-newcomers" lol...)
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
And k_g, as you know, it took me a while to get to where I am and it takes awareness every minute of every day.
H and I had a talk yesterday afternoon. He came up and fixed something, he's always fixing something. It amazes me because there was a point when he said, quite emphatically, that he didn't want to do "another effin' thing to that house!"
He wants to come home. I don't think we're quite there yet. He's OK with that.
We talked about what we each needed in the R. Mine of course was: I want you to plan something for us to do, nothing says love to me more than you thinking about what I would enjoy and planning it. I said my fear is that we will fall back into the same old pattern. His response: I'm not really good at that. I said: What does you're "not really good" at that mean? H: You sound like a psychiatrist. (in the past, about right here is when I would have gone off the rails) M: I just want to know what part of it is difficult.
So, it turns out that he doesn't like to go to the movies. (I love it) The people in movie theaters (talking, cell phones, etc) irritate him. OK. We can work around that. Then we go into listing things that we could do. We decided to continue to think and talk about it.
There is some block there for him.
He did share that he knows we're better at talking about things, and that he's comfortable bringing up difficult subjects because I am in control of my emotions and he is, too. He said these exact words "People can change."
Later I sent him and email, just to say "I want this to work out. I don't want either of us to be as unhappy as we were 3 years ago."
He responded: We are two different people. We just have to balance, "middle ground".
I have had the best times of my life with you,... I want more.
My fear is that I will fall short.
I never want to disappoint anyone especially the people I love, but oft times do.
His "stuff' is surfacing.
Progress is being made.
Slow and steady.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I forgot one piece, I also told him that a fear was that he wouldn't let me know when things are bothering him, and that his resentment would grow and then kablooey! That's when he said that wouldn't happen, we're getting better at discussing things, he's not as fearful of my reactions and "People can change."
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
That is also a fear of mine, that H will close himself off and not let me know when things are bothering him. My H kept quiet for so long until things got awful then dropped the bomb. It sounds like you are getting better at keeping those lines of communication open -which is key. How can you work on things if you don't know if a problem exists? That is what I worry about. Keep at it, and let him know you are there to listen! You are doing a great job.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
It is going well and I know, after all the work of the last 3 years of so, that his stuff is his to figure out. I can't fix it. I said pretty much the same thing to my IC yesterday.
I can just love him through it, and tend to my own stuff.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Wow, great stuff here Bug! Glad to see things are continuing to progress.
As for planning dates, maybe the two of you can write down a bunch of things you would like to do together, throw them in a jar and then H can pick one on his months. You will still be surprised (to a certain extent) by what he plans and it will take the pressure off of him until he gets used to doing it.
Quote:
My fear is that I will fall short.
This may also be a fear of your H's, esp when it comes to planning the time he knows you need.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
