The Road Not Taken

[JFun51]

Strange observations. W has been sleeping with her back turned to me since BD. I laughed when I read "Midlife for Dummies" a while back because she had perfected the art of sleeping on 6 inches of bed next to her nightstand and phone. For the last 2 nights, she has turned toward me to sleep. I know it seems trivial, but it's funny how we notice every little thing when we are on this side if the roller coaster. I've had to resist reaching out and touching her. I've wanted to run my fingers through her hair or just hold her hand. Just wanna tell her I'm here and everything will be OK.

She has been talking to me about what she's looking at on her phone as well. It's almost like she wants to reassure me she's not cheating. I have let that one go. I gave up on stopping that weeks ago. She's gotten so into watching sports with us now it's like she's trying to reconnect. I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it's nice. She even helped S10 with an art project tonight and spent 2 hours just devoted to him. Maybe finding little pieces of herself?

Tomorrow holds more challenges. I heard Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" tonight. It's what most of us Standers are doing. One day at a time, living life to become better.

[indigo1]

Sounds like a little good progress for you JF. It's nice to hear that things seem to be getting better for you. Another song to check out if you have never heard it. Chris Young's The Man I Want To Be. I got a lot of strength from listening to this song. I cant tell you how many times I've played it.

[JFun51]

That's a fantastic song. The one that brought me to my knees the first time I heard it was "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton. Appropriate for both sides of this mess.

[indigo1]

for sure

[AJM]

She has been talking to me about what she's looking at on her phone as well. It's almost like she wants to reassure me she's not cheating. I have let that one go. I gave up on stopping that weeks ago. She's gotten so into watching sports with us now it's like she's trying to reconnect.

Keep your expectations at zero my friend. The trying to connect you feel? Likely very real, but it's not impossible that it'll be temporary. Kind of like a new year's diet - best of intentions but fizzles about the month of January

By keeping your expectations at zero, I think you'll be able to handle the ups and downs. I do believe she wants to reconnect, J. I also believe she may not know how. This is all new ground for you both. One thing I do know - the changes you've made for you? Good on ya!

Enjoy the good times, my friend. Life is truly short on this spinning rock.


AJ

[TSquared2]

What AJ said ^^^^.

I can tell you from experience, the touch and goes come in cycles, the reconnect attempts do as well. My W spun through the stages over and over, Maytag has a competitor ...lol.

My guess is that you are getting a touch and go right now.

Doesn't change what you need to do though, right?

[JFun51]

Doesn't change a thing about me T2. Busied myself today with work around the house. I think I've found a really cool Christmas 5k to run in December. Night run through decorated neighborhood with lights and carolers along the way. If nothing else, me and S12 will run. He loves it.

BTW, this push/pull stuff is hard in the brain. Found myself dreaming weird things last night. Gotta keep my plate full of other stuff. Need to go dig some more weeds...

-Working on my feelings of superiority/entitlement. Bought stuff for our Angels off the tree at church. Planned with my sons the large items to purchase.
-Working on brightening other people's day. Went out of my way to compliment girl at McD's this morning. Made her smile.
-Working on my physical well being. Workout planned for tonight. No run today, pouring rain here.

[JFun51]

This evening was full of fun.

I spent part of the day today making payments on bills that have piled up over the last few months. Still sorting out the financial disaster of W staying in bed for over 2 months and doing absolutely nothing. Got some control spew and venom from W today. All started as we were getting ready to go out to S10's BBall game. W asked if I had any cash, I said no because I gave S12 $20 lunch money when I took him to school this morning. W then begins to tear me apart in front of S12 for "taking control" of everything. Tells me that I have to tell her everything so that she knows whats going on. S12 caught a stray bullet as she lit into him for not telling her he needed lunch money so she could write a check. He simply said he forgot.

This discussion continued when we arrived at the gym and were able to sit alone. W finally admitted that it wasn't the $20 as even she realized it was a ridiculous thing to have flown off the handle about. She tells me that she doesn't care what I do, that I can have everything and take over all of it. I assured her that I wasn't trying to take control, I was just trying to be helpful and relieve stress while making sure we didn't get the house foreclosed on or the van repossessed.

W then tells me that I've got to talk to S12 because apparently they had it out on the way to the van while I was locking up the house. She says, "Every time I say something to you like that, he gets mad at me. You have to do something about that." As we discussed this, I assured her I would make sure S12 was reminded to respect her at all times. She tells me to tell him, "Whatever is between you and me is our business, not his." I told her that I understood, and tried to validate her feelings of frustration with S12. I did try to get her to understand that if we want it to not affect S12, we should limit any more confrontation in front of him.

It's hard for W to grasp that S12 just watched his mother b!tch out his father for giving him $20 lunch money when he took him to school.

W is such a type A personality that she cannot let go control of anything. I knew that me taking the initiative to pay bills that she has avoided would eventually create this. It doesn't matter. I am now having the mortgage and the car payment drafted straight from our account. I also tried to explain to her that it was an attempt to lesson the burden of paying bills and just make life easier. She even admitted that we got behind because she stayed in bed for 2 months. (her words, not mine) She even said that this "depression" or whatever that she was in made her not herself. She doesn't understand how it all ties together.

It's like watching the front loading washing machine with a rainbow of colored clothes in it. Her thoughts are all over the place. She just cannot see how any of this is connected. Her feelings towards me, her rejection of responsibility, her remaking herself, her troubles with our son, her infatuation with social media/texting, her sudden desire to feel sexual with other men, her coloring her hair, her weight loss, her "segregation" in the house, her reconnection with her mother, her batch of new friends that are all D or on 2nd husbands or contemplating D, etc, etc, etc. Throw into the mix that she cannot understand the changes I am making and wants to reject them all. She cannot process my responses to anything that she says or does anymore. DBing on my part is just causing her mind to spin even more.

Bless her heart. She cannot see the big picture. Tonight was more evidence that her brain is really short circuiting. When we got home, I went downstairs to work out and she immediately retreated to her bed with phone in hand. I fully anticipate withdrawal into full on recluse mode over the next 24 hours. Its like she's looking at a mosaic and cannot even see the beauty of the art because she is trying to see what each individual piece is.

On another note, we have been hosting all our inlaws for Thanksgiving over the last few years. My mother has to work, so she's out. Her mother has suggested going out, which is fine. W said she doesn't want to cook anyway (surprise, surprise). Odd thing is that I have asked her for over a week if she's talked to her Dad to find out what he is doing. She hasn't even called him. This is the same man that made the observation about how much happier I looked and acted. W has basically cut off communication with him over the last month. They used to talk almost daily before all this stuff began.

[AJM]

It's like watching the front loading washing machine with a rainbow of colored clothes in it.

Its like she's looking at a mosaic and cannot even see the beauty of the art because she is trying to see what each individual piece is.

This reinforces that it's not about you. Two months in bed, looking at her life as if it shattered and she's putting the pieces back together, etc. It's good to note those things, but realize this is her battle. It's why you making changes for you is soooo important. If you make them for her or to "get her back" however admirable, you'll fail. Keep that in mind as choices come up. I think you already know this, but it can't hurt to remind you, right?

W has basically cut off communication with him over the last month. They used to talk almost daily before all this stuff began.

Par for the course. Cutting ties with family or friends they used to spend a lot of time with is par for the course. She'll reconnect later, so no worries.

Keep at it. You're doing great and making a lot of positive changes for yourself. Your FIL echoes that by saying you look happier. You likely are in a much better place now. Be thankful

It's a tough road for her, J. Be mindful of that. She's done some things she'll hate herself for later. She is doing things and doesn't understand why. Be sure she's trying to figure it out. She may blame you and run or she may figure it out. Either way, keep doing what you are doing. It's good for you and the kids and in a round about way, for her and your family as a whole.


Peace,
AJ

[JFun51]

Thanks AJ. It's funny how she chose to spew about me "taking control" of house payment, car payment, & finances because it had not been getting done. W certainly didn't go nuts about me "taking control" of the laundry, the dishes, the floors, the bathrooms, tucking kids in at night, etc. Wonder why this one thing set her off? No logic, I know. No speculation, I know. Just funny.

As of right now, W has not moved for 2 hours. I tucked the boys into bed and she didn't move. She is texting/messaging her butt off tonight.

Also, I'm p!ssed because I found out tonight that both S10 and S12 will have a bball game on the night of the cool Christmas themed 5k I had found earlier today. Svcks.