Exposure

[25yearsmlc]

I feel h or W has had 0 consequences.

This kind of sums it up for most LBS. We are left to deal with all the consequences while they tend to ride the beautiful wave.

Not so...it sums up how the LBS SEES it but that is not the truth.

First off, who said they are 'riding the "beautiful wave"? Two thoughts race to my mind. I know from experience of my siblings that there is NO "beautiful wave" even if they bother pretending so.

My bil left my sister after 22 years of marriage and 3 kids. My sister was a great wife and it's truly the most one sided marriage ending I ever saw. (I have other siblings who were left or who left, but my older sister really is a gem).

So her h left her with the kids and went off to his new life. Got an earring and a vanity license plate and changed his political views entirely and married OW...

HE described her as "high maintenance" within months of marrying her. HIS words...to this day, he has to work so much harder at keeping that woman NOT angry, that he is living in his own created hell. That does not make my sister happy, but the fact that her ex gets it now, that HE told her he "eff'd up" did mean a lot to her.

His misery is not what matters, but his realization that my sister was a great wife to him, DOES matter. Not many women get to hear those words so I told her to savor them.

What really truly matters is my sister was never bitter. She began dating and sure enough, she found a man who really gets her. Worships the ground she walks on and though they have some of their own issues, she is literally happier now than she even COULD have been with her ex.

I know she'll always feel bad for their kids, but she's happier in her marriage than she would have been with her ex. He just wasn't the guy who could ever really "get her" like her new h does. (Her "new h" has been married to her now for 11 years. Still going strong).

Her ex is still struggling, though he has money. He's not happy. Whereas my older sister is not wealthy but she is happier than she would have been, with her ex. Her ex was selfish and easily irritated. Regardless of any affair he had or did not have, nothing would fix him being selfish and deceitful or irritable. He's still all those things. When he left her, he did her a favor. Took her a few years to realize that but she does.

So the idea tht the WAS has a new great life is inaccurate. AND if it IS accurate, then so be it. Maybe they should go off with OP, if life is so much better out there...I just don't buy that. I think if life really is a lot better with someone else, and they are truly happier over time, with someone else, I'd want to know now- not later. But I just don't buy that and more important, THEIR misery or happiness IS NOT an index for OURS.

My sister is not happy BECAUSE her ex is miserable. She's happy because her new r is good and she likes herself.

Plus, the WAS always always has to look over their shoulder & second guess themselves. Why?

b/c every time the new OP isn't as they hoped, or every time an old song comes on that the OP does not know,
a memory not shared but recalled nonetheless, the WAS will wonder if they made the right choice,

or if they had only given the m another chance

Or NOT chosen this OP to cheat with...they will wonder.

They will second guess their choice every time there is a shared holiday, or a holiday they do NOT have the kids,

and every time the OP's has kids who resent him/her for taking their other parent away, there will be second thoughts.

When they get sick and the OP does not know the favorite soup they love when they're sick, they will wonder about their earlier spouse. That's a small thing but I'm telling you that it adds up.

The favorite music, favorite restaurant, favorite place to vacation, the old friends they have known all your married lives....they lose so much they don't even know they have lost til they run into it...and each time they run into it, they again have second thoughts.

But the LBS who behaves with dignity and honor in the face of betrayal, who grows and changes and learns to be truly content with who they are --they have NO second thoughts. We never had a choice but to behave well from a place of light in our hearts, or a place of darkness in us, acting out of anger.

If you choose to behave with honor and dignity you will never be haunted by doubts about your choices. The WAS always will be.

Every time a good thing happens and they know deep down that YOU would have "gotten it" and you would have known what a big deal it was, but they have to explain it to their new 'love'...they will wonder

Everytime something great happens or they get a break, they can wonder how things would have been in their earlier marriage if only that break had come sooner...

WE cannot give them consequences of their choices, although we can try to punish them. Aside from how we have to live with ourselves...

My DB coach said it best when she told me

'It's not the job of a spouse to 'teach a lesson' to her h, nor is it to show him the consequences of his actions...LIFE does that for them."

SO TRUE.

In Rocks' situation he knows the pain his wife has caused the kids but SHE does not yet know. She will know b/c in time they will tell her.

My h has so much to repair in his r with our children and we are still facing financial damage from choices he made. My d/24 said tonight that she is still "mad at h for leaving so often". It has been over 6 years...

I could make things worse by "speaking my truth" but I'm interested in solutions.

That's what I love about Divorce Busting. It's SOLUTION BASED and not about making our scorecards even. It's about "going from this day forward".

IN fact, losing the scorecard is the first step in truly creating a happier life.

It's in my interests, my children's interests and our marriages' interest to EASE the burdens my h faces, not increase them.

We won't find solutions by measuring our happiness with what we perceive our former spouses' misery or happiness.

Staring at them and bemoaning the unfairness of it all, only makes US sadder and angrier and more bitter. Helps nothing. Detach from what you think they are doing. It's usually not accurate anyhow, and it Worsens our own lives and it's partly self inflicted.

I'd NEVER in a million years dream that my h was or is better off without me or our kids.

HIS loss would be immeasurable (though simpler) and my life would be only missing him. Not to gloss over the financial hassles and the painful upheaval that is temporarily caused by a divorce. It left me reeling just facing it.

But I got better. So did my life.

See,

I'd still know who I am, I'd still have kids who love and respect me and even if I craved more private 'me' time, I'd never trade it for being alone too much.

I'd also know I kept my vows and did my best to be a good partner and parent.

I would argue that its ME going off riding the beautiful wave...