Exposure

[25yearsmlc]

//do you want to be right, or do you want to hopefully be married again someday?//

Both. I want (make that demand) to be married to someone who understands what is right. If you're current spouse doesn't get this, it may be time for a change in spouses.

Does "Exposure" help them get it faster?
Does secrecy give them time for remorse so they get this on their own?
Will you're spouse ever get it?
Are you willing to endure the emotional pain, and do you have the patience to wait for them to get it?

I don't know. These are tough questions.

They are tough questions Rock. You have faced them and it wasn't easy.



In my personal case, the choices my W made were clear to everyone in our close circle of friends and family. It didn't require "Exposure", people saw what was going on. For a set of friends outside of our close circle, I wrote a FB message outing my W's affair.

You are right, the result was anger, not remorse. My W's heart hardened, she came to view our relationship as adversarial. Her pride kicked in. She viewed following through on her choices and making them work as "Winning" and giving in to family pressure and reconciling as "Losing". The road home was very bumpy.

Absolutely true. Rock, I once almost had an affair. I'm not proud of it, but it's worth mentioning I think.

At the time, I felt almost completely justified. If you had asked me why, I'd have listed the reasons. Lots of neglect b/c my h was in his internship and there was no end in sight. He was Always busy working, always gone or home but so tired he'd fall asleep at the table, and he'd be irritable too! For years....for YEARS this had gone on, and was at least 5 more years from being over.

Rather than me writing here how "right" I was to feel neglected, suffice to say that I did feel that way.

Yet enough of my standards were alarmed that I did seek out counseling and a good chaplain. But i was sorely tempted by a handsome attentive co worker...precisely when my h was his most neglecting/busy/ and most irritable.
Our oldest daughter then was afraid of him b/c she never saw him much.

Anyhow, my h never found out. I sorted things out myself. I had guilt. But I was also very hurt and to be frank, I WAS neglected, as most doctors wives are for a time. (TIP: Marry them AFTER they are done with their training!)

But here's the deal.

If my h had found out about my temptation or if I'd gone ahead and "done it", and he found out then,

and then if he tried to shame me instead of asking what HE could do to improve things...

I'd have felt outraged and indignant and probably cornered. And yes, I think I would have filed for divorce. I'd rather be the one who had the affair and left "for love" than a "sleaze ball who sticks around b/c she knows she did wrong and can't do any better".

Yes it's Strange to see those words in writing now. But I'm telling you that my pride --YES it would have kicked in. See?

I was sad and lonely enough as it was to even think of having an affair. The last thing I'd need or want from my h would be HIS condemnation for my temptation. That would have been the last straw.

Yet there I was, working this out on my own. No exposure except those whom I sought help from. I had two good friends and sisters I spoke to who listened to me, who never condemned me, but who advised me about my mores and how my self image would change if I were to have an affair.

They'd ask, Who would I be if this conduct was part of me and my past? How would I reconcile who I thought I was, with this course of action?

Turns out, It just wasn't in me.


Tactically, exposure forces the person to make a choice and dig in on that choice. You have no control over the choice a person makes. It very well may doom you're marriage. Depending on you're spouse's true heart, that may not be a bad thing.

Just for the record, I regret exposing my W's affair, and if I had to do it over again, I would keep it private. Of course, that is easy to say in hindsight when you are not dealing with the emotions of another man sleeping with you're W.


I'm surprised to read this, but relieved. I think this shows tremendous growth in you Rock. Seriously...most people never get there, or take years to.

I'm sad for you. But I'm impressed.

Instead of exposure, I should have instituted firmer boundary's. I simply should have said that the affair needs to end immediately, or I will file immediately. Yes, this is an ultimatum. But at some point, you need to have enough respect for yourself to set legitimate boundaries. For me, a marriage where you're spouse is actively having an affair is not acceptable.