Exposure

[25yearsmlc]

Thats an interesting response, gabbysmom.

I would say it depends on what you are trying to achieve, and at what cost you are willing to pay to achieve it.

There are those who are willing to keep things quiet and allow their spouse the time and spouse to see if they make the right choice. And if not, the lbs moves on.

And then there are those who have a need be right, even if it destroys the bridges back to the marriage.

and or a need to punish. That "need" is not noble. It also keeps the focus off the LBS and sometimes, NOT always but more often than not, the LBS has their own part to play and own up to. It's just a lot easier to say "he cheated...he is a jerk and that's that" and never look inward.

No single way is better for all people or all situations. But I think there are a few things that we can deduce which is what dbmod is suggesting. Those things are....

Exposing and letting the truth be known as you suggest will at the minimum cause the wayward much shame.

Ah wow, I SO disagree. I ASSUME when you say "exposure" you mean to third parties? Don't assume the wayward spouse will feel shame.

They have already justified the affair. At least most women having affairs have. And men who have affairs with women they care for (as opposed to purely physical or several one night stands), believe they are NOT "wrong" to have the affairs.

AND why is that anyone outside the family's business?

More importantly, while The GOAL of the LBS might well be to shame the WAS into returning, it nearly always backfires. it usually is the goal (b/c the LBS is mad and their ego is wounded) but that hardly makes it right

and I have NEVER seen a man or woman come home and stay home, from shame. I don't believe I can over stress this point.

I say it backfires. Oh sure, IF there is fear of loss of income or prestige or rank or there is some leverage with which you might blackmail the WAS into returning as you suggested if they are "well known in the community",

and IF they return from fear of their LBS airing the dirty laundry, are you saying "it worked"??

B/c to me, that's NOT reconciling or saving the marriage. To me,
That's just blackmail with possibly temporary results.

But what is their r like IN the home then? What goal was really achieved?

No woman (and I assume no man) can enjoy intimacy while feeling shamed. So down the road, how will that really play out? THINK...

In the years I have been here, I have never seen a WAS come home AND stay home, due to shame.

True, I have seen a few people CLAIM their spouses came home "Because" of exposure...but even if true, it's rare. And I don't know that I buy it anyhow.

Ask yourself why MWD and DB are so opposed to exposure....(seriously...ask yourself that).

In part I believe MWD sees the reality that usually it backfires, and it almost never makes the LBS look "righteous" or like a victim.

In fact, from what I've seen, It is often held against the LBS b/c they now publiczed the sins of the parent of their children, or they are "hiding how cold they were" or how critical, or they tell of the affair and then they "break the dinner plate."

("Breaking the dinner plate" is when someone hurts the income of the family in order to punish the wayward spouse...so they scortch and burn...Meaning, For instance, in the Army when an officer gets reported for adultery, it can hurt his career. He won't go to jail b/c of it, but it's not something that advances ones interests.
If the officer (parent) ends up not being promoted, he loses his job b/c it's "up r out" for them.

So a letter of reprimand or career ending notation can mean the officer's active duty career is OVER and that is that.

I've seen a wife find out about an affair, go to the command and inform them of it, and have her h kicked out of the military. It was rare but the aggravating factor was that the woman was in his chain of command and he'd been very indiscreet. Once the commander was informed, he was forced to take public action. So, suddenly her h was given a discharge, and she and her four children had to move off base within 60 days, with no income coming in, and no health insurance either.

I Think she wished maybe she had waited a few days to cool off and THEN plan out what to do.

Her whole family was uprooted and without a place to live, without health care and they could not even stay in their neighborhood...

is that truly a desirable outcome? I have had to ask some wives that question in the past when I was active duty...it hurt to ask and it hurt to see them swallow their pride for their children's sake, but THAT was the right thing to do. THey could still end their marriage or they could still try to save it. But they could not punish their h's for cheating, by publicizing it. Too much "collateral damage"...

To me it's horrible and unfair to the kids. It means the hurt LBS put her anger ahead of the needs and welfare of her children, all to prove WHAT point??

Many people who hear of the affair FROM the LBS will think so little of the LBS for tellng them, and for publicizing a private matter, they'll look vindictive while doing it, and those folks will often litereally blame the LBS. I have seen this more than a dozen times.

Seriously...not too long ago, a LBS wife wrote on our high school class FB page, that her h had cheated with "OW"classmate, and that other women ought to "keep your h's close" so that the evil OW would not "steal" another h. I thought that was just so sad and desparate sounding of her...

Since I was the admin for the FB page, only I could delete the message. Four people, 3 women and 1 man, asked me to "delete the message from Bruce's wife, b/c it's inappropriate"...and one person said it was "pathetic". THAT is how the LBS was viewed...

And not one of those 4 people expressed sorrow for her, and they each seemed turned off by it. Sad, but true. I was very struck by this experience.

As for the 2-3 around here who claim theyir spouses returned "because" of exposure, I'm not sure I buy that. But I know None of them sounded "reconciled" to me, nor did their marriages "restored" in my eyes.

Starsky speaks of his wife returning to him and seems to say it's becasue of the exposure. But I think that's missing the mark. I think he's glossing over changes he made in HIMSELF that maybe helped bring them closer.

Because when you really think about it, How could exposing an affair "make" all the problems causing it, all better?

What is "Fixed" by exposing the affair, if something other than random wanton selfishness, created it?

Making someone come home with their tail between their legs may sound appealing when you are reeling in pain, but that is your pride and anger talking more than compassion.

AND

You forgot one signficant but crucial factor here.

When you claim that "at a minimum the walkaway spouse will feel shame"....I say NO WAY....NOT SO...because

The spouse having the affair, has nearly always JUSTIFIED IT in their hearts/ minds.

to the wayward spouse, They "deserve" to have the affair b/c they are so angry/hurt/bitter/neglected, about how things have been for so long. ITs not their fault. IF it is anyone's fault it's the LBS...

(Granted, there are those rare occasions when the WAS really is having a breakdown of some sort. But in those cases, all bets are off.)

I'm operating under the assumption that both spouses are functionally sane and rational.

Generally, When a woman has an affair, it's much more likely to be emotionally appealing rather than purely sexual. That's why many men feel more threatened by it, than a woman might feel about her h's affair. I'm not saying it's right but I do understand it. The vast majority of women having an affair, won't do this if they/she thinks she's being a "whore".

She'll have an affair b/c she believes her needs are not met in the marriage.
So exposing her for it, is far more likely to anger her than shame her.

In fact, when exposure happens She might feel the exposer h is the bad guy.

After all, You'd be the one who "made her" have an affair

or "let her",

and now you want to shame her for it? I think some women would file for the sheer vindication they'd feel.

HOWEVER SM, you're such an extreme example of the Opposite, it's hard for me to assess what will work with your wife.

But I know that you ignoring it has not worked. I think your way has not worked. I mean, you wouldn't still be in the same situation if it had worked. Can we agree on that?


OTOH, did you say that you have already exposed, and it did nothing to change things, correct?

So your wife has justified her behavior. Isn't that obvious?

If her family knows of this choice and they have not done or said anything to her about it that shows their disapproval, then I assume they also see her affair as justified, correct?

To me, THAT ought to concern YOU the most,

b/c it means there's something going on in your marriage that makes other people NOT care if your w has an affair.


Since at the time of actively cheating they are already proving they are very detached from their spouse, and probably don't respect their spouse or the marriage, it is probably safe to deduce that the exposure would be the nail in the coffin more often than not.

Yes^^, but not b/c of their "shame" ---but because of their anger and justification in their minds.

For the LBS to point out their affair as if it reflects poorly on the wayward spouse, kind of misses the point the affair is meant to be making.

Allowing some time to pass increases the chance that the person would have second thoughts, and if not then the marriage was over anyway. No extra harm done to the mother oOr the father of your children, and therefore no more harm done to the children.

This is just my opinion, and I think DB principles make sense and offer a good chance of a correction in the marriage.

Exposure does work in some instances. I think it depends on the character of the spouse in question and their social circle. In my case, a lot of ny wifes family and friends know what happened and don't seem to particularly mind so had I done the exposure myself, I would have probably looked like a whining fool.

I agree that it would not help you, if they already know.

Regardless of whether they support it or see nothing wrong with it, or hate that she is doing it, YOU bringing it up won't matter will it?

Might make it worse b/c thten it's out...it's more public that she is cheating AND you know it...

and so, what are they to make of that?


Perhaps if your spouse is a prominent person in the community, or is overly religious etc. Then exposure to people of influence may bring good results.


may bring "good results"?? "Good results"? LIke what?

What's good about blackmailing your spouse? Jesus...if there is leverage, be careful what you wish for or you can end up in the same situation as the officer's wife who was out on the streets with her kids.

You overlook how a "prominent" person might react to being blackmailed. they might say "Oh? I will justify this affair by DIVORCING you now, so it's over." The "wayward" spouse has pride too. And they have justified doing something they once opposed. There is a reason for that.

Figure it out.


But generally speaking i think exposure, if it worked, would result in a reconcilluation based on shame not second thoughts.

No such thing as "reconciliation based on shame". You may think this is semantics. But I value words and their usage a lot.

Look up the word "reconciliation" and think of the terms "restored marriage" and show me ANY marriage that is restored or reconciled, based on SHAME...



And I would bet on a repeat offense down the line, only next time they will plan it better so as to look like there was an exit from the marriage FIRST then there was an OP.

Just my two cents

SM,

what's your plan? How long can you go on without a change or move on her end?