A DBer's prayer for Thanksgiving week, an old hymn, a prayer to become detached enough to truly be able to say "it is well with my soul" no matter what is going on with our spouses. I'm surely not anywhere near there yet
-----When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, -----When sorrows like sea billows roll; -----Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, -----It is well, it is well, with my soul.
-----It is well, with my soul, -----It is well, it is well, with my soul.
I am having problems detaching, big big problems. I admit it, after 4 years I'm still a DB failure. I am busy and happy, with lots going on, yet am still attached. I understand what is required, that we go happily about our lives, without letting our spouse's words or actions affect us. But I cannot do it. How can a person get so strong that anger and disdain radiating out of the person she loves the most in the world do not bother her? I hate to see my H so depressed, so unhappy.
H continues to be distant and cold, and has really not spoken to me for 10 days. He does not look at me, does not talk to me. Occasionally he seems horribly angry for no apparent reason, like the first few months of MLC. He has gotten like for a day or two this every few weeks since he returned from Moscow, usually in response to the Russian pushing him, but it has never lasted this long. I usually get some spew, and then he goes back to his kitty kitten ways of peaceful co-existence.
I am giving him lots of space, keeping far away from him. He spent a few days at his mom's house last weekend, and then again last night, which is puzzling. Maybe he's getting ready for a move, the next step; I'm not sure.
Well if he goes, I'll be fine. I decided! His loss. The Russian's loss too, when it comes down to it, as I'm sure she does not want to be supporting him.
I have been learning a great song on the flute, a GAL activity which can be done alone or with others! "I will always love you." I was going to use it for my "theme song" for this thread. But I'm not ready to move on (moving forward yes, but not on yet) but fear that maybe H is considering it. Maybe it's H's new theme song.
-----If I should stay -----Well, I would only be in your way -----And so I'll go, and yet I know -----That I'll think of you each step of my way -----And I will always love you -----I will always love you -----Bitter-sweet memories -----That's all I have, and all I'm taking with me -----Good-bye, oh, please don't cry -----'Cause we both know that I'm not -----What you need -----But I will always love you -----I will always love you
So how un-detached is this? Start a new thread and all I do is complain about the man. Here is how I am: busy and happy, have some new friends who mean a lot to me. Lots to do this week. Two wakes to go to, which is very sad during a holiday week. Three hearings coming up the first 2 weeks of December so I have lots of legal writing to do, which I adore. Two dear friends, Nero and AlbaMarie, both gave me great books to read. I'm working two days in the ER, including Thanksgiving night. A busy week. No reason to be attached to that big dope, and no time either. Everything to be grateful for -- a warm house, running water, indoor plumbing, good health, decent vision, a loving family, wonderful friends, two great jobs I love, and this forum. Thanks!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I for one refuse to totally detach. The day I have to do that to survive I'm done with this M. Like you, my spouse and I still live together. Interact everyday. Run the house and care for the pets. I care for her and am not afraid to show it. If she doesn't like it she knows where the door is, I'm not stopping her.
Detach enough to enjoy your life Rosa, as long as you can do that you are NOT a DB failure.
Bust On! (or tell him to move to Russia already. Your choice!)
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
As they say on here, you will know when you are fully done when you no longer worry about your spouse or what they are doing.
You are not done, my friend. And I do not see that as a failure! Please put that kind of thinking aside. Do not beat yourself up for his bad behaviors.
You are not a db failure, you are a remarkably strong woman who knows what she wants. You want to stand for your marriage.
You're right that you will be fine if he leaves. You will miss him dearly but you will be fine. You are still grieving for what was lost and that is ok. Do something to get that grief out.
You're fabulous Linda!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
RL, You will know when you've had enough...but I do not thing you are done yet. The holidays tend to bring us down and maybe that's what is going on now. I'm sorry he's still acting out like a 2 yr old having a temper tantrum. I know it's difficult, but you've got to ignore him.
I'm glad to read that you are taking great pleasure in playing the flute. It is a beautiful instrument and the sound is very pleasant and soothing to the soul.
I like the old hymn that you posted for the DBers. It's very fitting.
Are you planning to host Thanksgiving dinner or will you be going somewhere as a guest? Either way, do not allow that angry Scrooge get you down. You have so much to be thankful for and the beauty of it all...we are very much alive and can find many things to smile about, in spite of what they throw at us.
Take care and please...just leave him to his own company. Actually maybe a mirror would be helpful and that way he can look at the good person that is being reflected back to the opposite self these days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
[quote=RosaLinda]My sweet friend, that is a beautiful hymn. Thank you for sharing.
You and I have gone round and round about detaching, havent we? LOL! I have told you that it doesnt mean you do not care, it doesnt mean you do not love him. It means the opposite of that. It means that you love him so very much. So much so that you are going to allow him to walk his journey.
It does not mean to be nasty. It does not mean to be angry. It means that no matter what happens, let it be well with your soul.
Of course you hate to see him so unhappy and depressed. You love him so. As I have said, lovingly letting him go allows him the opportunity to look within.
The thing is that allowing all of this to bother you, to weigh you down, to cause you sadness, isnt going to change anything but you. It isnt going to help him.
Worrying has no affect on the outcome. But, letting go, moving forward, and detaching can.
You are not a failure in any way, dear Rosa.
I just want you to see that allowing this to affect you to the extent it does is not good for you, nor is it good for the situation.
It is your choice if you want to continue to stay attached completely. I am just not sure it serves you well. It serves no purpose but to upset you and keep you stuck.
Take a leap of faith, my friend. Trust in Him. Believe in you.
I am sorry to hear your H is brooding. I would try to no think about the reason too much... the cycling depression is just part of the deal, it doesn't have to mean anything is changing, just that HE has things going on in his head right now. A lot of the descriptions of MLC stages refer to them getting into overt depression before being able to make it to the awareness stage. It could mean a lot of things, but you just won't know yet, so why worry?
I love that song... "I Will Always Love You". In my early BD days I played that song SO many times. It really does take on a whole new depth of meaning once you have been on this journey we are taking.
Sending positive thoughts your way Rosa. I hope you have the chance to have a nice Thanksgiving celebration, even though you are working on the day of the holiday. We all still have so much to be thankful for. Somedays it is hard to remember it, but we do.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Awwww my friend. I'm sorry he's acting like a child not getting to play with his toys while eating cake. You're not a failure!!!! Please don't talk about yourself like that. You'll know when it's time......love him from afar and live your life with joy. It'll get easier, we'll do it together, and it's all going to be ok.
Buys week. What are your thanksgiving plans?
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
It might just be semantics, but something about that "Detached" word always rubbed me the wrong way. When we said "I do", we became As One. We were, and still are, attached. I will not consider myself detached from my W unless and until we are divorced. Feeling each others pain is part of being attached. This doesn't mean we let it ruin our happiness.
The best way I found to deal with my W's depression is to not take it personally. The experts around here tell us we didn't break them, and we can't fix 'em. When you're living with a MLC'er in depression, it doesn't take long to see this is the truth.
I believe our spouses are doing the best they can, considering where they are at and all that they are dealing with. And it is not about us. If you keep this in mind you can feel H's pain, not take it personally, and still enjoy every day.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
we said "I do", we became As One. We were, and still are, attached. I will not consider myself detached from my W unless and until we are divorced.
I agree. I think that's why I have been advocating D, because I want to be detached and that seem the only way to accomplish this.
It's a bit extreme tho and I wish there was a way to S, not live with each other, and emotionally detach. My H doesn't want to D, but he has managed to detach from me, so he's got it down better than I.
I will always be attached, if I come to realize this maybe I can learn to live with it and move forward without too much more hurt. Don't know how, but it's a nice dream.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
You know that may be my problem too! Although I can tell you with kids it is still difficult even if you don't live together to completely detach. There are constantly things that come up. Most things I handle myself.
FY, for some reason I still find it hard not to take H's antics personally. He can be very hurtful. I have always thought H has done this to get back at me because he thinks I have been so hurtful for 25 years. But the longer it goes on I just don't know. Maybe this is the new H?
So RL I completely feel for you. I know exactly what you're going through except H and I don't live together but he still manages to be that cold, distant uncaring person. I too think that he is moving on. I just get this feeling that he is back with OW and has filed. No proof except for the way he is acting.
The bit about OW though is that D21 has told H that she wants nothing to do with OW and if he does she is out of his life. D21 even said that he cried when they talked about it. That's the part I don't understand.
RL, I forget if your kids know about all of this or not. If so, what are their feelings?
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
