Look what the cat dragged in! (TL)

[Pudmuddle]

I can remember when I first started this (this time) my H was always thinking that I was 'out to get him' by doing something devious. I remember having to repeat and repeat 'I am not here to hurt you, I am not here to hurt you'. Their minds are so irrational that they think because they are doing awful hurtful things that we are going to go all crazy on their a's. So it really is all part of the script. Try not to let it get to you and remember he is not in his right mind right now.

I know it is extremely hard, tiger, but try to look at him as a roommate right now, that can actually be a saving grace for you. There is no logic that we can put into place for this. I have seen my H in such a fog, and seen how completely forgetful he is about simple everyday things, that I can see how he is really struggling. They appear happy but it is only a facade for them dealing with all the anger and issues they have inside. Remember it is just for now, until things move along, but this may take quite awhile. Get a patience rubber bracelet too. You can only take care of yourself and your son right now, because he has no wits about him.

Today will be a good day for you! You can do this, one minute, hour, day at a time, take it slow.

How is your finger doing?

[Pudmuddle]

That sentence above sounded like your son has no wits about him, lol, which is not what was intended, I meant because your H has no wits about him.

[tigerlily78]

I got what you meant Pud.

Thank you for the reassurance that the distrust is part of the script and not necessarily because of something I have done. It's so easy to second guess yourself and try to analyze the "why."

You are right, I need to just embrace the "good roommate" role as best I can. It just Svcks. Let OW be the source of his stress. :P

Finger is looking a little better today. Still hurts like the dickens when I do the wrong things, but at least the swelling has gone down some.

I was feeling sorry for myself because I skipped doing the dishes last night and that violates one of my 180s. H seemed to be in such a hurry this morning though I doubt he noticed. I asked him as he came through the bedroom if he was going to be around today, he got exasperated and said, "I'm going to work today." At least that is a break in the pattern... he took PTO the last two Mondays and spent them with OW. Today he was clearly running very late to come and get ready for work, didn't take time for a shower. Hope he had one at ow's, otherwise I know that too will make him in a bad mood.

[tigerlily78]

Well, I think my finger looks a little better. H thinks it looks the same. He gave me permission to go get an x-ray if I want to "even though he doesn't think its broken." I said I don't want to waste the money on it, especially since we have an outstanding balance left of $90 to pay for an x-ray our son had. If they put it in a cast it will just be harder for me to do things anyways, I'd rather get by with the splint.

Must be my lucky day, H got tied up dealing with "emergencies" while working from home this afternoon so I got to go grocery shopping WITH the debit card and by MYSELF. :P

He tells me "just get a little bit of stuff, whatever you need for the next few days and Thanksgiving, don't spend a lot money, and do it as quick as you can." (Impossible dream much?)

Well, I went quick but I did spend $185. He seemed exasperated by this when I handed him the receipt and the debit card back. I explained that I can't "quickly" decide which stuff to get and not get and which meals it goes in and what days, since I organize my list by AISLES (this does make me more speedy). I also explained very politely that our last shopping trip was also a very fast trip meant only for a few days, we were out of A LOT of stuff, add Thanksgiving into the mix and it seems like a lot of money to someone who doesn't routinely go shopping for food... but the amount was actually pretty reasonable.

So since he was being kind of a crab about it, I decided after he left tonight that I would use phone banking to see how much he has spent recently on going out with OW. As far as I can tell from Nov 12 through Nov 25th he has spent just shy of $250 on eating out for him and presumably her. GRRRR.

So, I know it is probably better for me to pretend like I don't know this. I am going to just file the information away for now, but really, what a selfish jerk. I kind of bet he doesn't even have a freakin clue how much money he has wasted eating out, because he won't bother to look, it doesn't matter as much as holding up a magnifying lense to everything I do. >:(

I am pretty sure he has taken out at least $60 in cash too on top of that. And I have no way of knowing how much he has spent out of his PayPal account.

Then, after he left tonight and presumably arrived at his destination he calls me to ask if I took out cash at the grocery store. I very calmly and nicely explained that I didn't. (He should have been able to see this on the grocery receipt I handed over to him, but I guess he wasn't thinking about it). So I was actually very reasonable and responsible and skipped buying several things on my list since I know he might not "approve" of those expenses, and then he turns around and feels the need to ask if I took out cash? Oh what a jerky move.

I even bothered to make him some toast as a snack before he left, because I am nice and also don't want him to go spend $8 on a crappy dinner just because he is pressed for time.

Oh I am so annoyed right now. Doesn't OW know how to cook ANYTHING? If I had ever wanted to eat out this much anytime in our R, my H would have had a conniption about it.

[tigerlily78]

I forgot the good news. He will be with son and I for Thanksgiving. I don't know the why of it, could simply be that zipperface has to work. Either way I am happy we will have him here with us.

[Pudmuddle]

I always had these issues with my H regarding how much I spend. The thing is I don't spend much on myself at all, only the necessary cr@p needed each week, groceries, school clothes, etc.

He even said to me the other day that he realizes he has been overly critical in this area and maybe he put too much pressure on me. It's hard to feel independent but always feel like you have to go to someone else to ask for money for things.

Maybe you could think of a way to talk to him about this now before it gets to a boiling point. Money is one of the top stressors in a marriage. He actually wrote out and explained all of the bills we pay each month so I could see where it all goes. We make decent money and it seems we are always tight. That helped a lot when he did this. The funny thing is, I taught him years ago how to balance a checkbook and pay and organize bills. I told him that I would always talk to him before hand about things I needed to buy so it wouldn't be a surprise and I wouldn't feel awful about wanting to spend money on myself.

Or maybe you could ask him to set aside allotted amounts for each specific thing you must do. Just some thoughts. I had some wine with some friends this evening so I kind of feel like I'm just blabbing here, but I think you get what I'm saying. Maybe just fit it to your situation. This may help set up the respect factor with him even and trying to build that up...

[Pudmuddle]

Oh and I'm SO HAPPY for you that he will be there on Thanksgiving!

Awesome.

[tigerlily78]

Those are some good thoughts Puds. The funniest thing about this whole deal is that H cancelled our cable tv and netflix to save money in the days after bombdrop, presumably so he would have more money to fart around with, but this level of spending is exceeding what we are saving in those areas.

My H is usually the one who pays all the bills, does most of it online and he keeps a spreadsheet with our budget and what our actual expenses were month to month on household bills. We did have sort of a set amount each month budgeted for food and gas... I am spending less on groceries now very deliberately, but HE is spending more on gas and eating out. It's so annoying. What happened to H the responsible guy with the budget?!!

My H makes decent money too and we have been tight. We have some debts we are paying that have pretty big monthly payments, so I know that is part of it. And for awhile we were trying to be more Environmentally Responsible and get the more eco-friendly meats and organic produce and dairy, but that stuff is SO expensive, I have basically cut all of it out for now since H determined we needed the money more than the health/ethical benefits. (H was the one who first determined he wanted to get organic, lactose free milk that cost $4.49 a half gallon... I just kept buying it for him!)

I think we are probably a little too early on in the process for me to have a talk with him about the finances without it coming across as "an attack". Nothing I can say that has even the most mild insinuation of error or misjudgment seems to go over these days. For now I think I just need to STFU about it until he is in a better place mentally.

[tigerlily78]

Also, I KNOW I suggested before that he just decide how much he thinks I should need for groceries a week and give it to me in cash to budget, but for some reason that also didn't go over. It got filed in the "I can't trust you" bin. Yes, because clearly as the woman who has been buying his groceries and cooking his meals and caring for him and his son for years, AND as someone who has made it clear I ultimately hope we can work through this and reconnect... I would TOTALLY run off and irresponsibly spend $150 on something that was not food. Yes, that makes perfect sense. :P

[tigerlily78]

Hmm... ok. So new development.

I went in H's den to check on something (to see if a window was open, I felt a draft under the door) and found a baggie on his desk with a corner torn off of it and two pills inside. They were both broken in half. One is a very generic looking white pill that could pass for ibuprofen or anything and I can't make out any of the code markings on it... the other is white and round, markings were easy to read: PLIVA 433 (I looked it up: prescription med for anxiety, depression, addiction, sleeping problems)

There are only these two pills in the bag, but obviously this raises some new concerns. Is OW hooking him up with some of HER prescription meds? Seriously... My mind is spinning.

I suppose this is another thing that I need to just STFU and keep watching for now. That makes me SO uncomfortable.