Seperation VS Divorce

[MrBond]

Yes he should be responsible. He also shouldn't be rude enough to just make himself at home when he's made it clear he didn't want a home.

[peaceSJ]

I was so upset this morning. Last night H supposed to pick up kids from school, but he let me to do it because he needs to work overtime. He came back home this morning just when we were about to leave home. He then walked the kids to school. After he came back, I told him I am going to throw a thanksgiving party at home otherwise the kids will feel bored since their dad will not be with them. But I wanted him to have a good excuse about his absense so our friends and their kids will not gossip about this situation since they don't know anything yet. Suddenly he was so angry and claimed I shouldn't invite people to our house if I don't want them to know the truth.
Then we started to argue about the timeshare of taking care of kids. I told him I'm glad to see kids every day but he is too irresponsible if he cannot take care of the kids as he promised and he is selfish that he just leave the kids at home on holidays for two weeks.
I know I shouldn't say that, but he also made me very angry
He even threat me that after he come back from his leaving, he will take the kids to his new apartment, which is 20-30 minutes drive from the school.
I just cannot stop thinking that he is such selfish and irresponsible. I don't know how to deal it better

[peaceSJ]

H is leaving for two weeks to meet the OW. No body knows where he is. He even didn't tell us when to leave in advance. In such case, I know I couldn't stop him anyway, but any suggestions/inputs about how to deal such irresponsible behaviors? Especially, how to tell him that He needs to be responsible to his kids if he still wants them.

thanks in advance.

[mustardseed]

you can't tell him anything right now. Anything you say will backfire and validate his feelings and actions. You need to start setting boundaries and detaching. Don't make what he does your business, but also don't allow for the open door policy anymore. Mr. Bond is so right.

[mustardseed]

Also, don't make excuses for him. No one needs an explanation as to why he is not there. It seems you are trying to control him by using guilt and shame. It won't work. It will backfire. It is time for you to accept that you cannot control him or his choices. If you want your marriage to work, the first thing you need to do is stop being his enemy, which means that you can no longer engage him in a way that makes him feel defensive, or feed into the things he says and does that makes you feel defensive. Disengage.

You only have control over you. The rest you have to leave to whatever higher power you subscribe to.

[peaceSJ]

Thank you, Mustardseed. You give me a very good point, which I almost forgot from DB book I read.
I'm confused about not controling him and setting boundries. Right now he comes and leaves as much as he wants; he claimed that's his house as well and he has the right. He also wants to devide the timeshare of taking care of kids, i.e. 40-60, or 50-50... I don't know it is a good way to set boundries. But It is really hard for me to see my kids only 4 days a week, and let them sleep in an apartment which is far from their school and friends.
If I want my kids to stay in our house every day, what kind of boundries work for both of us?

thank you!

[lovethehub]

Peace,

How old are your children?

[peaceSJ]

They're 5 and 7 years old. My H is not very good at housework and taking care of kids. If I leave the kids to him, he'll let them eat fast food and watch Ipad a lot. He rarely prepared breakfast and dinner for them. He may not check their homework very carefully, and may not spend enough time reading books and helping homework for them. That's my big concern because right now I did most of these work.

[peaceSJ]

Hi, I hope everyone here had a great thanksgiving. I did

Without H at home, everthing was very peaceful. I baked turkey and invited some friends to come over. I also took the kids to parks and birthday parties. They had good time. My older kid even said "let's have much more fun without daddy."
But they still miss their dad very much. Husband didn't even give them a call untill Monday night which was one week later after he left. And he only talked to my older son for two minutes. I guess H didn't want the kids to keep asking him where he is. But the kids beleived that dad is on business trip.

I still don't understand how come H would like to stay with the OW during this very important holiday times rather than with his two lovely kids. But I do feel I enjoy the peaceful time without him.