I think the way to do that is to dig in and face the pain. I'm not advocating staying/going. I'm advocating really digging in and seeing why the pain is there (aside from the obvious actions of late; I suspect that's not all there is to that, right?) My supposition is that if you're done with him, you should not be feeling pain, per se. If you're done, there's no need to grieve the relationship etc.
I do get that you don't know if you want to continue. Only you know when it's time to stop and walk away.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
H has been home for the past 3 days. Things here were awkward, but basically okay. He was offering to do little things around the house for me and cook some my favorite dishes, decorate for Christmas, etc. It looked promising.
He has been going to the office and is not comfortable there and tonight he had dinner with his folks.
When he got home he was frustrated with his Dad who gave him a hard time about his brother who works with us. He told me a little about it and I validated.
Then he started in on BIL and what he wanted him to do at the office. For 3 evenings, I have listened to him talk about the responsibilities he wants BIL to do - taking away from my authority at the office. I had finally heard enough and objected to the infringement on my place as partner.
That led to a huge argument. H said he couldn't please anyone and went to his room (guestroom). I followed to try to smooth things over and we ended up fighting more. I left the room, but went back a few minutes later to stand my ground and told him I was not going to let him make me out to be the bad guy. That is a total 180 for me - usually I retreat into my shell and just shut up. I went back to his room a few minutes later to apologize for my outburst.
He had his bags packed and was dressed to leave. He said he wasn't coming into the office tomorrow. I told him that I understood and that also understood if he wanted to go to a hotel and I would understand if he booked a flight back to India tomorrow.
He ranted a little more and then said he would be in the office and that he wasn't changing is plans for India, but he needed space right now. He started talking about how he had no life here and that he had ruined it. Then he began to rant about me telling his family, etc about our problems. He said, quite angrily, that he was done.
He has said several time that he wants me in his life, so several days ago I asked him to explain what role he wanted me to play because I was trying to determine if it was in my best interest to end the marriage. I never got any reply to that question and didn't expect one.
Anyway, when he said he was done - as he was walking out of the room - I said I would find an attorney next week. He stopped dead in his tracks and asked, "So, you want to go there?" I said no but that he said he was done and I assumed he meant with everything, including me and the marriage.
He let that slide and went back to how he had no life here because "everyone" knew what he had done (the PA). I told him that I understood it was difficult, but I wanted to help. He said he appreciated that, got his suitcase and left. I didn't try to stop him.
On one hand, I am proud for standing up for myself and I am encouraged that my remark about getting an attorney seemed to have an affect on him - I don't think he wants to go there. And I also feel good about not trying to stop him from leaving or asking where he would stay. No begging, no crying, just okay, I understand.
But, I am concerned that I may have sent him back into the tunnel. But, I see his pushing to have BIL take on more in regards to running the company here as a control issue with him - through his brother.
I had wanted to be the wife he wanted to come home to and stay with. I blew that big time, I think. Thoughts? Have I done significant damage?
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
H has been here about a week. At first things were uncomfortable and there were a couple of disagreements, but everything has settled down.
He has talked a lot and mainly says he doesn't want to be married and doesn't want to be a "husband" but wants me in his life and needs me to be his friend. I just replied that if we went our separate ways that I couldn't make any promises about how I might feel afterwards.
My question - would it be pursuing to leave a thank you note in his suitcase before he leaves thanking him in some way for "visiting?" and saying I enjoyed having him here?
Thanks much.
2T2T
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I may be smacked here...but he should be the one thanking you for allowing him to visit w/you. You've allowed him to stay at the house and most likely you've done the cooking, laundry, etc. for him.
If you feel the need to do something, send him a text after he arrives back to his home and just say it was nice to see you again and leave it at that. That man doesn't appreciate you and after him saying he still doesn't want to be married...nope...I wouldn't be thanking him at all. Now, if he left you a golden egg under your pillow as a tip...then yes.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to empathize that I know what you are going through. My H also feels the need to keep a foot on home base while spending his nights elsewhere... it is easy to feel taken advantage of in trying to walk the walk of "the wife he would want to come home to."
I packed my H's clothes up for him on Friday and even put them in the car. For some reason he didn't think that was helpful... just goes to show they can be screaming for freedom, but they don't REALLY want it most of the time.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
H hasn't been able to "lock down" our Amazon account because we use it for the business and I need receipts for the tax man. He told me this morning that he was going to buy my Christmas present on Amazon, but realized I would know what he bought. He has his entire life on "lock down", has been hiding things and covering his tracks for months and he can't figure out how to buy a gift without me knowing about it? I'm still chuckling over that one!
On a serious note, from what he has said over the past week, this is his fantasy:
We will get a divorce but won't use attorneys. We'll sort it all out ourselves and then file the paperwork ourselves. After the divorce, we will remain good friends and continue to run the business together. If several years later he realizes that he made a huge mistake leaving me, he knows that he can knock on my door and I will take him back.
That pretty much sums up where he is. Kind of hard to believe he thinks I am so dependent on him and "need" him so much that I would buy into all that.
I know ... LaLa land.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
We will get a divorce but won't use attorneys. We'll sort it all out ourselves and then file the paperwork ourselves. After the divorce, we will remain good friends and continue to run the business together. If several years later he realizes that he made a huge mistake leaving me, he knows that he can knock on my door and I will take him back.
Um...yeah. About that...
You've done this before. You do know how it goes. I guess the question here is, What are you going to do? I assume by now you have your plan figured out and how you'll deal with things. Care to share?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, obviously, none of that is going to happen. Right now I am just concentrating on me and plan to just let him realize over time that I am not going to participate in that plan.
He recently became aware that I have consulted an attorney to get some advice on laws in our state, etc. and I told him I had made no decisions one way or the other. Having to reveal that info to him (he snooped) probably fueled the divorce avenue.
I suspect that if I were the one to start the proceedings, he would see it as me being the one who left him and he becomes the victim!
In reality, he has no idea what he wants. He is all over the place. One minute he is near tears talking about the void he's left in my life, how much he has hurt me, how much he still loves me and how much he wants me in his life. The next minute he is talking about where to move his belongings "when" we divorce. The next he says he knows I'm just being kind and friendly because I want him back.
I just listen and keep remembering that I can't believe anything he says.
I'm just glad I have reached the point where I can step back and remain calm. It's not always easy - I've just been informed I will be by myself for Christmas, New Year's and our Anniversary shortly after that. But, I took it in stride.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I suspect that if I were the one to start the proceedings, he would see it as me being the one who left him and he becomes the victim!
Sweetheart, we've both been at this long enough to know that he'll find a reason somewhere, else make it up, to make himself the victim that "had to leave! Can't you just understand that!!!??" Those quotes are from my own conversations with my ex, but I've heard it many many times across these boards and from people I've met as they traverse the mid life culvert.
I highly suggest he's unstable and that you should take steps to understand your rights and legal avenues with regards to the business and your personal items. Better to be well informed and ready should you need it.
Somehow, I'm guessing you have friends etc that will keep you from being alone on Christmas, New Year's etc.
Just a guess.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
