Accepting the Confusion - It is what it is Part 5

[Feenix]

Update on Counseling

I met with the Christian counselor on Friday afternoon, I’ll call him “C”. He hasn’t really heard of Divorce Busting but most of his principles really align very well with it.

First, he got a history of my marriage, etc. and an idea of the problems we’ve been having…things I’d like to work on, etc.

Then, we went over Bible verses on marriage and the role of a wife/husband…basically what the bible says about marriage and divorce.

We talked about the need to respect your H, even when you feel like he doesn’t “deserve” respect.

(BIG one for me…y’all know, we talked about respect on my thread already. I really need to work on this!)

We talked about how women generally feel the need to be “loved” while men feel the need to be “respected.”

I have some “homework” to do, that will be kind of challenging for me:

(1) I am supposed to come up with ways that I can show my H respect (even when I don’t feel like it.)

(2) Come up with qualities that I had when I first met H that he liked/loved about me...and/or positive qualities that I used to have but have lost that I’d like to get back.

(3) I’m supposed to come up with responses ahead of time for various situations that I’ve encountered with H so that I already have a neutral response ready when he says/does things that usually trigger anger or sadness in me. (Things like “I’m sorry you feel that way, etc.”)

We talked about the importance of not begging, pleading, etc. and just working on myself.

Also, C really pointed out that we are told to love even our enemies…so we should be loving our spouses, no matter what. That we need to meet our H’s hatefulness and meanness with love.

That we should be focused on doing good, no matter how we’re being treated…that two wrongs don’t make a right. He is of the mindset that you can either be "right" and "get even" for the wrongs done to us or you can be happy by doing what's right, no matter how we're being treated.

Obviously, my counselor thinks there are exceptions (abuse, etc.) but basically, he wants me to focus on being a stronger, healthier, better ME (for me and for my kids!)…and let God deal with H. He kept reminding me that I cannot change H…and that it’s not my job to try to change H.

He is going to contact my H to see if H would be willing to meet with him…so who knows how that conversation will go.

But, the C encouraged me to share everything we talked about with H…and he encouraged me to dig really deep and find something that I really do need to apologize for ….perhaps, something in the past that I did to disrespect H….and really give an honest apology for it to start opening up the convo between us.

So, I went home, told H about session and apologized for disrespecting H, in the past, by running and telling my parents about every single fight or disagreement that we had. And, I apologized for always comparing my H’s lack of “handy man” skills to my dad’s having these skills. I told H that I never realized how hurtful and harmful that was to H.

The crazy thing? H was MUCH nicer the past couple of days after that….smiling more, etc. and just generally, seemed a bit happier.

I see my C again after Thanksgiving.
That homework is going to take some very deep thinking…..

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Ang, I read all of your long-leggety posts and I think you have been doing well, I'm impressed.

I think the reason your H would listen to someone else about marriage issues is because...it was someone else. They will often hear things from other people because it is not associated with what they perceive to be bad... us.

Your C sounds awesome and like he will really help you. The respect thing is VERY important to most men. The book I read 'For Women Only' is great at explaining this from a man's viewpoint and was written by a woman who did lots of surveys of men on these types of issues. I would recommend this when you have a chance. I know you have lots of homework!! I think this is a very positive step for you, just YOU Ang.

You saw the proof of showing respect when your H kind of turned around for a bit. This stuff works!

[Feenix]

I read all of your long-leggety posts

I KNOW.....I always post too much. The past few weekends, I've been away from a computer....so when I get back on Monday, I just have to vent or journal or whatever.

Thank you for reading all my long-winded crap!

A

[Pudmuddle]

No you don't post too much, I was being silly not critical of your posts. I think you post very real, very well written threads out. I've actually decided to start posting this way, so that I can be away from the computer more and not have it attached to my hip. I feel like I need to be on my own to practice this db stuff and let things play out and not be running to the computer all the time. It is an awesome thing to come here and vent it all out to people who REALLY understand.

So I understand!

[tigerlily78]

Angela,

I am glad your counseling went well and it seems like a good fit for you. It would be AWESOME if the C convinced H to come in for some counseling, but I wouldn't get your hopes up just yet. Most of these MLCers will only go when they are really ready, and if he isn't ready and goes he won't get much out of it anyways.

Also, how nice to hear your H say he loves you.

That must have really knocked the wind out of you! I had a similar experience myself recently and I know it almost makes you wonder if you read/heard right. They don't seem to have sufficient grasp that their actions are doing so much to send a different message right now. Hopefully they really mean it under all the other BS.

[Feenix]

Hey, Pud...I wasn't offended or anything. I just know some people probably look at my long posts are think, "geeeezzz, lady...that's too much!" LOL!

tiger: yeah, I am NOT getting my hopes up about H and the counseling thing. He has never been a fan of counseling and I don't expect him to be now, either.

And, the "I love you" thing almost makes me mad, you know? I'm like "do NOT say that to me if you don't mean it!" I didn't tell him that, but that's how I feel. I just patted his arm and gave him a sweet smile and didn't say anything.

I'd rather him not say stuff like that, though, or "fake" it if he isn't feeling it. What's the point in saying "I love you" to someone if you really don't? Ugh.

I'm "in a mood" today...kept thinking about the affair on the way to work...how much effort and time H put into "her"....just makes me want to punch something. LOL. I need a punching bag for Christmas.

Don't worry, though...I'm just venting on her. My goal is to be all sugar and spice to H.

[Pudmuddle]

Your H is like mine in that they tell us what they think we want to hear. Although I have yet to hear him say back ILY. I've never been a big fan of telling someone what they want to hear just to keep them happy. It seems a lot of men do this to avoid the confrontation and keep people happy. They stuff their real feelings down. How awful to live that way, huh?

I keep thinking about the effort that goes into Floormops too. I even had told him that 'if you had put that kind of effort into us...' well you get the idea. We need to not allow insecure women to occupy our headspace. Remember, and I know you know this, she is insecure and dealing with an insecure man,...Let the OWs have that! We don't want that person.

I think a punching bag would be an excellent idea! I used to take kickboxing and it was so nice to punch the bag and imagine someone's face on the bag... >:)

[tigerlily78]

I sent mine a text that said the same thing back when we had the Facebook catasrophe... "Imagine if you had put even half the time and energy and care and concern into our relationship that you are pouring into this one. How different things might have been." No reply, he was busy trying to smooth things over with ow. :P

A seed planted in a barren field. Maybe one day the rain will make that one sprout too.

I can totally relate Angela to your feelings on this. All the time, money, and effort they pour into these new relationships it is so annoying. When my H and I met we were in college, we ate all our meals on a meal plan at school. I think the first year we were together we went out to eat at an actual restaurant maybe three times total. My H has been out to eat with his OW more than that in a single week. And of course the fact that if I had ever wanted to go out to eat that often for any reason (like I broke both arms), my H would have been so pissy about how wasteful it is.

[Feenix]

Yes, Ladies, I did tell my H that, too, recently. Probably isn't DBing, but it needed to be said.

He said he didn't know how we could ever be happy again, and I said, "Well, a good start would be to put as much time and effort into healing OUR relationship as you did into your R with OW." He just nodded his head and I let it go.

Like you said, Tiger, maybe one day that will sink in. Who knows?

[Feenix]

I hate roller coasters.

So, H and I (and kids) had a really good evening. Lots of laughing, joking, fun, etc.

H was actually pretty talkative and smiling, etc.

Then, out of nowhere, in conversation, he said that we needed to come back early from his family's Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow so he can go to "J's" and celebrate Thanksgiving with the "guys". YEAH...WHATEVER!!!!

J is the friend from work that H is always going to his house to watch football games with. So, I had a mental moment and asked him who he is REALLY going to see when he says he with J???

I backslid BADLY! I lost it. Wanted to know who he is really running off to town to see all the time....what is he really doing when he says he is watching football...why would he rather spend Thanksgiving with some guys from work than his own family and kids???? Also, why am I NEVER invited to this guy's house? If there's no OW involved, then why can't I come?

So, I completely ruined a perfectly good evening!

The thing is....I am so TIRED of the LIES! He is obviously NOT just going to hang with the guys...and I am having a really hard time letting it go.

I'd rather just know the TRUTH! He pretends like there is nobody else but he is liar. So, why should I believe him now?

I know I need to just not bring it up anymore and let it go....but it is SO very hard.