T2 - Hope you had a towel close by! Sorry about that, but the only place I could think about far away from Denver was Kenya! That's how long ago our stuff could have been resolved.
Pud -
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I helped him through so many rough times, I want that care given back. And that's...what hurts.
God, I know. I really do. I want that for you too. Life is unfair and unperfect, isn't it?
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I still believe IN this, but not so sure I believe he can do this...at least right now I KNOW he can't.
Yes, it looks like you're right - at least right this very minute. This is why these talks aren't bad for you, Pud. You're not nasty and neither of you escalate. That's what the DB principles are meant to change, my friend. It's to change the dance so that you can interact differently and possibly enlighten each other that you *can* change. You can only do what you can do. Some of this stuff is up to him. And with some time, focus and the ability to address these issues in a caring, adult manner, you will get the answers you need. If he steps up to the plate, then you've already made up some ground. If not, then you know with all certainty that you have done everything you could possibly do to show that you are committed to him, your marriage and family and the entire process.
While I know that doesn't make all better and a magic pill, it's all you can do. You're human. And if he chooses NOT to forgive you and himself, well, that speaks to his character. It doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that he's got the flaw that won't allow you to move forward together.
Back to psych 101.
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He always wants people to think highly of them so he tells them what they want to hear.
Yes, this is part and parcel of the syndrome, Pud. My XH is the same. He doesn't like being a d!ck. That's why we have a good post-D R. Did I ever tell you why I refer to him here as Mr. Wonderful aka Mr. W.? It's certainly not because I think he is.
Right after he moved out, I saw a man doll at Bed Bath & Beyond. He was called Mr. Wonderful. You pulled a string, and he blathered "flattering" platitudes: "You are so wonderful!", "You light up my life"! Crap like that. Totally insincere. It reminded me of him, at his very worst - spewing those platitudes at me while he had one foot out the door.
I spent a lot of time in counseling. I learned enough about the P/A person to see what it really means: My XH is an emotionally dishonest person. What makes it worse is that he continually makes himself out to be the victim, because everyone just wants something from him and he's just powerless to tell them to F off. Seriously? Like you, I expected him to step up, man up and let us try to do things the right way - a way so that we would both find our R fulfilling and meaningful.
Like you, I was on a pedestal. The moment he saw my character flaws, he knocked me off. Pedestals are like rose colored glasses. Completely useless because you don't allow yourself to see people as they are. And face it, we're all flawed. Some of us are just willing to work with the flaws and try to improve ourselves along the way.
This path isn't in vain, Pud. I pray that you get the miracle you deserve. No matter what the outcome may be, you're doing what YOU need to do to ensure that outcome is possible. So 3 cheers for you. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Hugs to you on this snowy, cold day.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
