The Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Betsey, I'm glad you are still reading my posts as I always appreciate your insight.

I do think your xh and my h are very similar in telling others what they want to hear just to keep people happy. He always wants people to think highly of them so he tells them what they want to hear. This is why he is so good at 'lying'.

I may not have forgiven myself all the way yet, and I don't think I can until he can forgive me and himself as well. It feels like a cloud hanging over my head that he can't understand that people just eff up sometimes, even people that you put on pedestals. He always said I was his queen and he did have me on a pedestal when we got married and for about 17 years of our marriage. He was always reliant on me to 'make him happy'. He admits this too. Thus, the finding other people to make him happy. And I know I may never get this forgiveness from him, unless he can deal with his deeper issues.

I don't want to be with someone who will tell me what I want to hear just so there aren't any waves. I want someone who is mature/stable enough to handle the cr@p life throws at you and able to help both of us through it. That's why this hurts so much. Because when I got married it was because I believed he and I could handle any life event that came our way. I still believe IN this, but not so sure I believe he can do this...at least right now I KNOW he can't.

I helped him through so many rough times, I want that care given back. And that's...what hurts.

Hi busting, Thanks I am having a better day. I woke up looking terrible, lol, but I felt a great sense of relief and further detachment today.

I am seeing more and more why it is so important to detach and be my happy self. Because he can't remember half the stuff we talk about and I cannot fix him. I even told him this and he agreed with it. I know he is seeing my changes, because I haven't told him anything about what I'm doing and he has said I have become a better person, I have really done some deep soul-searching and I seem generally happy anymore.

Love to you all! I hope all of you have a great day today.