I haven't spoke to w by phone in 48 hours. Weird. But I'm ok. She can reach out to me if she wants to talk. I need to prepare an Act as if gameplay. She texted me an hour ago. "I hope you're having a good weekend." I'm stalling my response. I feel like by not responding I am punishing her in some way. Hey, maybe withdrawing will bring her to me. One can only hope. I have to say that although things didn't go my way, knowing her true intentions is better than the roller coaster I was on in limbo. I'm sure these feelings will pass and I will have bad days and good days. Now I need to figure out how to detach. I'm done inquiring about her well being, her day, etc. I think I will respond to her text....."weekend is good. Let me know if sd can Skype tomorrow. "
Thank you AnotherStrander. I appreciate your insight. This whole situation is exhausting. My waw is 2200 miles away. I can only imagine how I would be reacting if we still lived together. For those of you who are dealing with those type of situations, your courage and devotion is amazing. I don't which sitch is worse.
If she reaches out to you be cordial and convey that you are fine and happy. Your W has come to see you with a black cloud over your head, and that has to clear before she sees you as someone she can be in a relationship with again. Ironically, the distance may be to your benefit in terms of helping that cloud clear more quickly. I would continue to not pursue her, let her reach out first, but when she does be friendly.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
W texted me yesterday.... "Are you getting a lawyer?" I responded with "I'm at work, we can talk later"
She called last night. Small talk followed by Divorce talk. I told her I was surprised that she wanted to get this done right away. She said she thought that since she told me how she feels, that I would want the same. I told her that she knows how I feel about her, and if that is what she wants, I wouldn't stand in the way. I asked her to really think about. It's only been a few months since we separated. We talked about separation of assets and we are on the same page.
She asked me if it was bothering me that she has been texting and calling. She said she doesn't want to stop communication with me. I told her that I loved speaking with her and texting. I did ask her why she is so interested in me now that she told me that she doesn't want to R. She said I made a comment last week when she let me know that her heart wasn't in it and she couldn't see herself loving me again. I said.... I didn't want to hang up because I didn't know when we would speak again. So, she wants to make sure that I know she wants to have a relationship but a friendship.
I will see a lawyer. Just to make sure I know how this process works and what to expect.
I don't know what my next move is.... I guess GAL. When she reaches out to me, I will be kind and happy to hear from her. Should I ever reach out to her? Or just let her be the one to always initiate contact? And when she does, should I be short or engaging. I want her to miss me, us, our good times. She knows I want a better marriage. Not the one she left. But her heart tells her to move on.
I told her I was surprised that she wanted to get this done right away. She said she thought that since she told me how she feels, that I would want the same. I told her that she knows how I feel about her, and if that is what she wants, I wouldn't stand in the way. I asked her to really think about. It's only been a few months since we separated. We talked about separation of assets and we are on the same page.
She asked me if it was bothering me that she has been texting and calling. She said she doesn't want to stop communication with me. I told her that I loved speaking with her and texting. I did ask her why she is so interested in me now that she told me that she doesn't want to R. She said I made a comment last week when she let me know that her heart wasn't in it and she couldn't see herself loving me again. I said.... I didn't want to hang up because I didn't know when we would speak again. So, she wants to make sure that I know she wants to have a relationship but a friendship.
I will see a lawyer. Just to make sure I know how this process works and what to expect.
Any thoughts ?
Definitely see lawyer.
About the bolded sentences, pursuing, don't you think? I know it's hard not to do it but every time she has to make things clear to you, it solidifies them in her mind and reminds her of why why wants to be away from you.
Read again Acc's post a few up.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you labug. Those bold words do sound like pursuing. A friend of mine spoke to his lawyer friend. His advice was that he thinks I should file for a dissolution since we agree on the division of assets. Now that wouldn't be pursuing! But does that help or hurt my true goal of R?
I agree with Accuray. Distance may be better. Let her lead.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I need help! My IC thinks it's a good idea to go to my W. After reading The email W sent me, He thinks I should get on a plane and show her through actions how much I love her and want our marriage to work. After the counseling session I decided to text her and told her I wanted to speak her. We haven't spoken since Thanskgiving, and that was for 30'seconds. The rest of the time I spoke to SD. So after a week of basically being dark, except for her texts inquiring about refinancing her vehicle, I decided to let her know that I know about her EA, PA, whatever you want to call it. I told her that I felt that I pushed her to him with my neglect and lies. That she probably felt our marriage was hopeless. She didn't deny. She didn't apologize. At one point I noticed my tone had changed from calm to anger. I told her I was hurt because of all of her lies since she's been gone. I told her I felt like the minute she left she had already made up her mind thay our marriage was over and she was starting over with him. I was able to collect myself and speak to her rationally. She told me that she hadn't made up her mind until after her weekend visit, where I smothered her with my neediness, and being clingy. She said she felt awkward. I told her that for the last 3 + months I have known about him and how jealous and angry it made me feel. I admitted to her that my motivation to buy the pick up artist information was all about me trying to figure out how I was going to be ok without her. I explained to her that the argument over her cell phone when she was here visiting, was all triggered from my knowledge of her communication with him while she was with me. I made sure she knew this was all my fault and I didn't tell her to make her feel guilty or argue with her. I still don't know why I told her. I said to her that I wanted to be completely honest with her. That I want to tell her everything.
I know, everyone on here is shaking their saying "Nooooo, he didn't do that!" Well, I did, and I can't take it back! But then we spoke for another hour. She cried. I listened to her rehash how hard she tried to make our marriage work. As we end our phone call, she says now what? When can I call you again? I said whenever you want to. She said I will call you later. One hour later she calls. Relationship talk is over. Now we are being our usual selves. Laughing and joking. Talking to each other like we used to. Again at the end she asks when can I call you. I said whenever you want to. She say ok.... Later tonight. She doesn't call, but she did text me that evening. We text for about an hour before going to bed. The first text I get this morning is from her. I was at work today, and our text convo was basically all day up until 4pm.
She text me tonight about 1030 pm. I did not respond until 130am. I asked her if she was still awake. No response.
I am so confused! Why does she want to communicate so much now that we have talked about OM?
Why does my mind tell me to stop pursuing and telling her how I feel, and my heart tells me to get on the next plane before I lose her forever?
The decisions you make regarding what to do next, and what not to do next, are pivitol.
I strongly suggest you speak with a DB Telephone Coach who will guide you and help you figure out what would be the absolutely best thing to do. DB Coaches have been helping people make important decisions to save their marriages for many years.
Give us a call at 303-444-7004 to get help right away.
Oh boy, well I apologize in advance but you seriously need some 2x4's
Originally Posted By: Not Over
He thinks I should get on a plane and show her through actions how much I love her and want our marriage to work.
Good grief, that isn't pursuit, it's pursuit on steroids!! I have never once heard of pursuit working to change the mind of a WAS. What you have to keep in mind is that the things that worked before BD (like pursuit) will not work now.
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After the counseling session I decided to text her and told her I wanted to speak her.
= pursuit
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I decided to let her know that I know about her EA, PA, whatever you want to call it.
= pressure
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I told her that I felt that I pushed her to him with my neglect and lies.
What? Why did you give her a free pass on an affair!!??
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I told her I was hurt because of all of her lies since she's been gone.
She doesn't care about your feelings! YOU need to care about HER feelings! The convos should all be her talking and you listening, not the other way around!
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She told me that she hadn't made up her mind until after her weekend visit, where I smothered her with my neediness, and being clingy.
If you have any doubts that pursuing won't work, then read the above again. She is flat-out telling you it doesn't work and that it's just pushing her farther away.
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I told her that for the last 3 + months I have known about him and how jealous and angry it made me feel.
Quit dumping your feelings on her, don't talk, listen.
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I listened to her rehash how hard she tried to make our marriage work.
So when she does get a rare opportunity to talk, you just dismiss it as rehashing? Think about that.
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I am so confused! Why does she want to communicate so much now that we have talked about OM?
Don't read anything into it. It's pretty clear she's done for now, so accept that. Give her time and space. I think you're communicating with her too frequently even if she's initiating. It's not going to help at this point. Stay friendly with her, but try to keep things short and to the point. Get out and GAL. Try to be a little mysterious.
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Why does my mind tell me to stop pursuing and telling her how I feel, and my heart tells me to get on the next plane before I lose her forever?
DB'ing is counterintuitive. But it's what works. What you described in your post is all you doing what your heart is telling you to, and it's not helping. Read DR over and over again. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules several times a day until the intent is burned into your mind. Live those rules!!
