Me 13 months on, affair finally confirmed.

[TryingToDo180]

Happy anniversary HWA 24 years? you beat my record of 21 years, lol. I'm just trying to lighten the mood, hope it didn't upset you
How was the party?

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, you can lighten the mood all you want. Actually no mood today anyway.
The party was great, got into a few bourbons, but kept myself bright and bushy tailed. No sitch talk. Nothing to come back and bite me.....ha...ha.
It really was a great time, first for a long time.
Felt really good, MWD put something up on her Facebook page this morning and I was one of the first to comment. She actually commented back to me. Nice.

[hotwheelsaust]

I just went and checked out the infidelity part of the forum and found something I wrote way back in January. Just going over my thoughts back then and how true they were.

I have my own thread about my sitch, but what about the W who is most likely having an emotional affair with another woman? The other woman is probably a lesbian (previous rumours from the workforce about another relationship that went sour), and is possibly grooming my W towards a physical affair. IE, taking advantage of my W emotional state and depression according to the marriage counselor I managed to get her to once only, leading up to the separation
Please note I am not against lesbians or any other group of people.
To add to my above comment: the wife also moved out of our house and has moved in with this woman.

And to think the family thought I was being stupid and worrying about things that were not true.

[TryingToDo180]

Glad the party went well and you got a few bourbons down you Bet the family are feeling pretty silly now for not believing you or maybe they just didn't want to believe you. It must be quite hard to come to terms with your daughter suddenly deciding she's gay after being married for so long.
I still think something doesn't add up here. How can someone be married as long as she has and then suddenly decide that she prefers women to men. Normally they will do this in the early years of the marriage, not 24 years later! Maybe she swings both ways or is experimenting at the mo. After all if she's going through a MLC (?) and is suddenly a teenager again in her head, isn't that what teenagers do, experiment? Just my 2 cents worth

[hotwheelsaust]

I just had a cleaner from our school tell me about the OW and the teacher (female) she was involved with years ago. She emphasised how controlling, domineering and demanding she (OW) was. To the point the teacher had to change schools. If just makes me mindread all over again. I feel my W was taken advantage of at her lowest point in our marriage and has been preened for moving into a PA.
I know it doesn't make any diffference and it is simply the W's journey. It is just hard when we the LBS seem to have the knowledge and commonsense of what could really be happening. How hard it is to move on, but also deal with the love and care of your W. Especially when they may find themselves in trouble down the track.
It would have to be similar to someone on drugs, you have to just watch them do the wrong thing, hurt the people who care about them, but knowing you cannot do anything to help them.
Too many people have mentioned the OW as being this horrible person and what she has done to other female teachers for me to misinterpret what is happening.
I just have to stay in the wings and be there for the W, if she ever needs me.
Otherwise still a good day. Had a lovely chat to my friend on my wedding anniversary. She is going through a lot of issues with anxiety and having a severely disabled child. So it was good to help her. Each day gets closer and closer for me to leave here, it is such a good feeling. I changed my address with a few more companies yesterday, only a few to go.
Oddly, my S21 rang last night. He sounded very strange on the phone, to the point I had to ask him if he was ok or needed to talk about something (mindreading, thought he was going to talk about the affair).
He rang to invite me to his girlfriends 21st, but this is next February. So that was the odd thing, way, way in advance with the invite, plus ringing me, rather than me ringing him.
Anyway, my friend suggested he might have known it was the anniversary and he was just trying to be supportive in a way. Possibly the case.

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, sorry should have replied to your message. I agree and have always thought this way: something does not add up. Maybe it is the OW being so controlling that has the W feeling like a little puppy dog at the moment, and then bang, all hell breaks loose.

[TryingToDo180]

HWA, maybe you're right about your son. Maybe he initially rang to invite you to the party and then remembered it was your anniversary. He might know something, but he might not want to talk about it on the phone. You'll just have to wait to see him to find out. It was nice of him to call though

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, the bottom line is: it was nice of him to call. Simple as that. No mindreading into anything about the call. He sounded weird, so I asked if he was ok, he replied he was fine.
Remember he has a girlfriend, so she probably remembered the date for him.

[hotwheelsaust]

Had a good coach session yesterday. Very positive. We decided that writing a letter/email for when I leave the country was not a good idea. It was based on "would she care"? At this stage we both agreed, that no, she wouldn't care. It was suggested that I keep the door open by connecting with her once every two or three months, or on special occassions (Merry Christmas etc). That one made me think: because at this stage, where I am, I don't want to connect with her. So will see how that one goes.
It was confirmed or agreed to, that the affair with a same sex partner doesn't change the way you would handle the sitch, compared to different sex affair. In other words, it is an affair, and is treated the same way.
Some of the other things:
* I don't tell the boys about the affair (wasn't planning to, but needed to ask), but importantly, be prepared for them to tell me.
* Don't tell W that I know (again had to ask, but wasn't going to do it).
* Don't change strategies (dark), but connect occasionally.
* No letter upon leaving. How would W view this letter? How would she care or view my leaving? Probably glad I am going....my view.
* Continue to let go of the rope.
* Be a role model for my sons.

These sessions really help. It puts you on the right path, or helps you stay on the path.
I basically need to continue doing what I am doing. No forcing the splitting of assets, no demanding a divorce and staying dark. Let the W make all the moves. Continue to not talk about W to sons, unless they initiate any discussion.

[TryingToDo180]

I'm really pleased that the coaching session went well They have given you some good advice there and confirmed what you already said you would do