hey Melissa needed that the management and controll I feel the stress when someone does it to me..Don't know why I didn't see it earlier with H Today I think I have lost the plot and as I loose the plot I want to hang on tighter and tighter..
So what has gone wrong.. I will try and figure it out.. My imagination #1. I have been giving more space, no emails or texts, except one emergency about electricity-
For some reason the weekend before last I had a much better feeling and also the sense that he was now alone. He stayed in all weekend and offered that when we texted.. said he'd been busy cleaning ...all offered I don't ask questions about what he has been doing anymore.. I thought .. the affair was over.(Expectations !!!) I know wishful thinking.. don't all hit me at once.
I had a good week living in cloud cuckoo land... though he said he would call Friday then texted .. tomorrow.. I sent the times I would be home.
I had kept giving space this week and he also decided not to come home again. But I made no comment and when we talked I asked how he was doing and told him about the things I was doing around the house and he asked.. when did I want him to come down next. I said I had to think about that . I wasn't sure exactly what he was asking, Was it a special event or an invitation with friends..I did need to think. But I was happy he had asked- fool that I am.. I checked some dates and sent them to him, ones when something interesting was on, I also said this ws his home and he could always be here..( wrong ???? I don't know anymore)He chose a date in 2 weeks.
We agreed to talk Sunday.. How happy was I twice in one weekend. Sunday we chatted about the weekend and the rugby when I told him I was visiting friends near him and we planned to visit his town he said we could meet up.. OK Imagine the smile.. then he realised we were driving up when I asked could we park at his place and go in on train..- the crowds are crazy this time of year there.. and he said no because he could have someone visiting
OK imagine the crash... I know just what deserved.. I said I thought it was over.. he said no, what gave me that idea..
He said we needed to talk, not pretend nothing is going on ( I know that but last time he came he said not one word about anything.. and I was giving space and not controlling so did not start the conversation. The previous 3 conversations about the R have ended with him leaving.. not in a rage but just leaving. It is all too stressful he says.. I guess because I validate how he must have felt but do not agree with his conclusion.
So I have no idea where I am. From coaching I was looking for small steps forward towards a more positive relationship- even though he is still seeing someone else. Is that crazy.. I am not doing the exposure thing.. I know that will be the final nail on this marriage coffin. I am also not making final demands- "It is her or me". because I know that answer too.. I am giving space and trying hard not to control, even though it sometines slips in with tone of voice.. but then we do not speak so much.
But I fell off the DB wagon , big time. He keeps saying " He is seeing someone", and then told me a couple of people he works with who also know me know about his cheating .. well 2 people . So I sent an email that said it is called adultery or cheating or infidelity or unfaithfulness, and also gave him the same words in his first language. He always sounds as if I am not too worried about it, it is happening. so I was clear that it is not OK, that it does hurt me and that while I still want to rebuild a marriage with him..I don't even think about it while he is involved with someone else. I reminded him of his view on another friend who walked his same road and how outraged he was...
I know all bad..it gets worse..
I checked the bank account and saw that changes had been made to deposits and term savings I knew nothing about the changes.. I was relatively calm I thought..Email again- said I had noticed the changes, was hurt by the lack of consultation- it is a joint account. he replied that they were minor changes and we should talk tonight. And also on Saturday when I visit.. WT#.
My friends would be happy to leave us alone for a bit.. but do I really want that conversation in the middle of a Christmas Market????? No I don't..
My cherry on this disaster cake is that he will not commit to spending Christmas here or leaving me alone here.. so I asked for a decision and set a date ( coaches advice).
So I have totally mucked it up and have no clue where I am.. stop pursuing for sure. Cancel the trip to his town.. tell him it doesn't suit and just hang out with my friends - which was the originl plan until he suggested we meet up. R talks on the phone.. not really
no more emails.. regret those already .. Sorry you have to read through my mess.. My coach's thought is to keep some mid week contact.. which seems to be OK.
But we have not ever had a conversation where we have said what we want - except for space and care for himself one.. weeks ago and he has not ever even slightly entertained the idea of working at the marriage. He still claims the affair is a coincidence and he would have had enouh of the marriage anyway.. I don't buy it. he starts an affair and that same weekend changes his behaviour- radically..
I appreciate any going forward thoughts I have.. I am beating myself up over expectations. and how happy they made me..at least I had a happy day.. which is really bad because it means he is doing the controlling... and I am not detaching. AHHHH
