Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[sandi2]

Choose your battles wisely. This one isn't with what it could lead to, once she got through digging up every fault you have ever had! Shake it off and keep going forward.

[sandi2]

Should have read......this one I'd not worth what it could lead to.

[hotwheelsaust]

S4k, I understand the look on your face comment. I have actually copped that for many years. I would reply I am not mad/upset/peeved off, but after so many years of it, I suppose I just gave up. Maybe it is just the way my face looks, who knows.
Many times I would have to reply, but I am happy, not angry,I cannot help how I look. Maybe I just need to smile more? So I try to do that.

[S4tk]

Choose your battles wisely. This one isn't with what it could lead to, once she got through digging up every fault you have ever had! Shake it off and keep going forward.

I should have been able to just tell myself that - but it made all the difference coming from a member of this forum. Thanks!

I just shook it off.

[AnotherStander]

but she said that I am still not understanding her,

Based on what you wrote, I totally agree with her. LISTEN and VALIDATE. That is ALL you should be doing. Instead you made almost the whole conversation about you, your counseling, your thoughts on religion, etc. etc. SHE DOESN'T CARE. When she asks you something about yourself, then make your response EXTREMELY brief and ask her something about herself. Make the conversation about HER not you.

I responded by saying that in our M before I began to look inward, I had been blind to how I do this, but that now at least I see when my fear causes me to respond in certain ways - and that I quickly apologize instead of denying it or leading us into a fight and making her feel crazy. This is a major 180 for me, and I think she saw this.

I think what she saw was you talking about yourself. I imagine she thought "yup, he still doesn't get it." REMEMBER, words mean nothing to the WAS. You can only convince them you've changed through ACTIONS. Consistent actions over a long period of time.

[labug]

I could tell something was amiss with our interaction, so I went upstairs to feel things out. I said, "What happened just now?" She said, "You made a face when I said I was going out, before you told me to have fun." I said, "I wasn't aware if I did that, but I'm sorry."

She then said, "Why are you sorry?" I said, "I'm sorry for how our interaction made you feel." She said, "It's not how I feel, it's about what you did."

Don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer or for which the only acceptable answer is one that you agree to.

She's giving you clues as to why she wants out, why would you not explore that more within yourself. This isn't about deciding she's wrong and you're right, it's about working on you.

You trusted your instinct that something had gone amiss in the conversation, why do you question hers?

I used to get very defensive when people would say to me, you seem defensive, you sound angry, are you unhappy...Now I welcome those comments because it's an opportunity for a self-check, to figure out what's going on inside me.

From my personal experience, people who communicate in a passive/aggressive manner say one thing but their body language says quite another. I did it a lot and it can become such a part of communication style that you don't always realize what you're doing. (and I'm remembering that I thought your response to a post of mine seemed defensive, which you denied). Perhaps you telegraph things you're not aware of. Your higher brain is sounding very cool, calm and collected but your lower brain is giving the real deal.

Do you have a good friend who would be honest with you? If so, ask what they think of your communication style, or if you sometimes seem to be saying one thing but your body language is saying something very different.

Only do this with someone who will be very honest with you, perhaps someone on your level in your organization. Otherwise it'a a waste of time.

[labug]

Asking a friend for feedback may not be helpful if your communication in intimate Rs is very different from your public style.

[S4tk]

This is hard stuff. Awareness, acceptance, change.

[S4tk]

Ok...the last two weeks I have just worked on me, detached, continuing my running and basketball pickup games, taking the kids out, working, going out with a few good friends, reading, etc. etc.

I have stopped pursuing. A few thoughts.

1) She seems to be icier than ever. Is she resentful that I am GALing and not pursuing? Should I just get used to this? It seems that the advice from DB and DR would be to assess again in another week or two and change something if this persists?

2) After just a few weeks of better detaching, I am unfortunately tiring of her iciness and ignoring. It is making me begin to stop caring whether she decides to stay or go. I know that some will chime in that this is a good thing for me (to stop caring) - but it doesn't feel like a good thing. It feels like a divorce of the heart, for lack of better words coming to mind.

[Pudmuddle]

This is a normal(whatever normal means!) part of the process. You stopped pursuing so she is becoming icy because you are not following the crazy plan she has set in her head.

You will see her spin in and out of these moods, happy one minute, down the next, mad the next, happy the next...yes, get used to it. It hurts like heck, but it does get easier after time. Patience is your ally right now. You have not stopped caring, you are grieving for the loss of what you had. It won't be the same, it will need to be newly built. But you have to get through all the awful stuff first, sad to say.

Hang in there S4. Keep on posting your thoughts, it helps get the grief and feelings out.