Moved Back from Overseas to Figure This Out...

[labug]

I could tell something was amiss with our interaction, so I went upstairs to feel things out. I said, "What happened just now?" She said, "You made a face when I said I was going out, before you told me to have fun." I said, "I wasn't aware if I did that, but I'm sorry."

She then said, "Why are you sorry?" I said, "I'm sorry for how our interaction made you feel." She said, "It's not how I feel, it's about what you did."

Don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer or for which the only acceptable answer is one that you agree to.

She's giving you clues as to why she wants out, why would you not explore that more within yourself. This isn't about deciding she's wrong and you're right, it's about working on you.

You trusted your instinct that something had gone amiss in the conversation, why do you question hers?

I used to get very defensive when people would say to me, you seem defensive, you sound angry, are you unhappy...Now I welcome those comments because it's an opportunity for a self-check, to figure out what's going on inside me.

From my personal experience, people who communicate in a passive/aggressive manner say one thing but their body language says quite another. I did it a lot and it can become such a part of communication style that you don't always realize what you're doing. (and I'm remembering that I thought your response to a post of mine seemed defensive, which you denied). Perhaps you telegraph things you're not aware of. Your higher brain is sounding very cool, calm and collected but your lower brain is giving the real deal.

Do you have a good friend who would be honest with you? If so, ask what they think of your communication style, or if you sometimes seem to be saying one thing but your body language is saying something very different.

Only do this with someone who will be very honest with you, perhaps someone on your level in your organization. Otherwise it'a a waste of time.