Wife says she wants to leave

[AnotherStander]

Accuray has such a way with words! Read that post up above (#2407501) several times, it is absolutely brilliant. That describes what I went through in my sitch (and the mistakes I made) perfectly.

[SM34]

Yes, yes he does!! An truths that no one well tell you, and an understanding of crisis causes and solutions like you've never seen before. A true asset to this community. Heed his words.

I want to expand on some of the advice here as far as the idea that nothing you do will change her mind right now. I'd like to make an important distinction....

Nothing you do while she is in an affair will make her stop. But there are plenty of things you can do to make her continue it!

At the point in your sitch the husband LBS is looking for advice as to 'how to act' and what to say etc...

Rather than give you examples of what to aay and what to do, we need ro establish the effect those actions will have. No sense in having a list of things to say, because you cannot refer to this list during every interaction.

So here it is in summary. Your words and actions shoule show confidence and self worth. Now is the time to gain respect, something that you are lacking from your wife. Weve all been there, and its a bad place.

You gain respect by being loving and understandng of her emotions, yet balancing that wih your own boundaries and needs. No woman wants a pathetic man that when she says jump he says how high.

You take care of your kids and put them in the number one spot. Nothing is more attactive to a woman than a good daddy. Defend and shield them from her negative place with the bravery of a lion.

Also I want to tell you about something my db coach said to me because I think its fitting for all LBS hisbands dealing with an affair. Be kind and thoughtful to her, BUT DONT BE HER FRIEND.

It sounds horrible but it is critical. Women don't feel sexual attactrion to men who are in the friend zone. And you are after sexual attraction.

Your wife is in a very bad funk right now, and that is usually the case with affairing people. Let OM e her friend and her crying shoulder. Let him meet as many needs of hers as possible and nine times out of ten he will fail.

Some people like to show their wife an awsome husband for some time before movinf away so that she has the memories of how good you can be. That can contrast with how OM is. But don't get carried away in jumping through hoops for her and don't forget to have self respect.

We are here for you. Keep us updated, and keep up the positiveness!!

[ccZ28]

Thank you very much for your responses. Accuray, you have once again given me some great information.

Oh and also by caring less, it will be obvious to her. Then what happens is she begins to lose control of the situation and control is very important to a WAS.

Your relationship will go through a correction phase where she begins to see that you are putting youself first and begins to respect you more for it. It levelizes and equalizes the balance of power in the relationship and its destiny. You now have just as much if not more control over whether the marriage ends at this point, than she does (right now she has final say and full control)...

With equal power and equal control, the relationship becomes more normal, more of a relationship between two equals intead of how it is right now with her trying to decide the future of your marriage and you waiting and holding your breath and putting her on a pedestal.

You have heard of the WAS only having second thoughs when the LBS moves on right? Same concept. Its what happens naturally as your level of caring lowers to the sam level as hers.

This right here...

Right now she really has no respect for me, it's totally true. Obviously by her actions, but I can tell by how she looks at me. This is what i need to get back, I need to work on myself, become confident again and hopefuly with a newfound confidence she will want to respect me.

So an update from this weekend.

Friday night I had a lot of time to myself, which was good. (W and D went to a basketball game and then stayed the night with her girlfriend and her son) This gave me some time to get further into DR, and then I relaxed, took some time for me, and stopped thinking about the situation.

Saturday morning, W and D came home. I said my hello's and then went to the gym. About an hour later W called and asked if i wanted to meet them and go tanning. I met them , went tanning, and then watched D while W went. We had lunch and headed for home.

I had plans to go over to my friends house on saturday night (we were all going out to the bar), so when i got home, i took a shower, and got really dressed up and was looking good. W made a comment on my new clothes and how fit i looked (i've dropped 30 pounds.. working on that six pack). I'm pretty sure i caught her attention.

So everything was going really well, went out with friends, went to the cigar bar, then went out and had some drinks. I only called W one time so that i could tell my D good night.

Well, do you know what happens when you lose 30 pounds and drink like you still had those 30 pounds? I feel like I didn't drink that much, but i got completely hammered. I ended up telling one of my friends my whole situation, and then proceeded to pray to the porcelain god all night. During this time of weakness I called my wife and told her that i needed her help and to come and get me. She called my friend to make sure that I was ok, and he said that he was taking care of me. They then talked about our situation for about 20 minutes.


When I woke up in the morning of course I did not remember most of what happened. I drove home, and went back to bed. My W actually let me cuddle with her, which was wierd, I don't know if she felt bad that i was sick, or if she was having a moment of weakness herself (easy to speculate)

When we woke up she started talking to me about the relationship. I just laid there and listened to what she had to say. She said that she doesnt want either of us to struggle. And that moving out would put us both in financial hardship. She asked if it was ok if she "lived downstairs" for a while.

Obviously not the best situation, but I was happy that she had enough clarity, or thought about our financials to come to this agreement. She said she wanted to "take this one day at a time". I validated like a boss. and the rest of the day was pleasant. I had no expectations, and we were able to just be pleasant, and be around without that huge uncomfortable aura.

I know nothing has really changed, and i'm not getting my hopes up. But I do want to give her credit for wanting her space, and time to herself, but at the same time still cares enough about the family not to put us into financial ruin.

I'm feeling positive today. continuing to learn how to fake it until I make it.

[ccZ28]

A few more thoughts.

W told me that she was looking at some concert tickets for the two of us. She wanted to find some things to do together. (both suprised and confused by this.)

W wants to get her own bank account, and have her money direct deposited. (This is good, it is less for me to snoop about , but I just hope that she can control her spending and leave enough money for bills)

W did a lot of cleaning yesterday as well. I was very appreciative and made sure to take stock in each thing she had done so that I could thank her and bring up specifics.

[ccZ28]

Sorry to keep posting. But i'm Killing it with validation.

W emailed me and asked what she should do about our MC tonight. I told her that I had scheduled a sitter, and that i would be attending. She is more than welcome to attend.

She said she felt conflicted, and uncomfortable about going. I validated. Let her know that there was no reason she needed to make a decision right now, that she could take the day and feel things out. I said " i know this is really hard for you, and that it makes you uncomfortable".

She replied with...

Thank you CC!
"You have been so great. You have been so patient, and understanding with me."

Whether she decides to come to MC or not tonight is another thing. But i'm chalking this up as a win.

[ccZ28]

Journaling,

W Decided to go to MC last night.

A few things came out that I thought were interesing.

She wishes that i was more assertive. (She feels like she is the stronger individual in the relationship and doesn't want to be that person. She wants to be taken care of)

I feel a big part of this is our jobs. She currently makes more money, yet she hates her job. Maybe she feels like if I were to be more ambitious and find a better paying job, she wouldn't feel stuck where she is.

My W also mentioned "nothing he is doing is changing me". To which the MC said, "Nothing he does WILL change you. You have to make the choice to want to change." ( I don't believe my wife has thought about the situation in these terms)

It was also interesting to see that my W feels like she has given up certain things, for my happyness, and forgot about things that I have given up for her. When some of the things that I have sacrificed for her came up she seemed to soften a little.

I don't know if these talks changed anything. My guess is that they did not. But I hope that there is some part of her that recieved some of the message.

I asked her this morning. "W, you mentioned last night that you felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don't want an answer now, or expect one, but is their anything that I can do on my end to help eleviate some of that weight?" and I asked her to think about it, told her to have a nice morning, and left for work.

[Accuray]

She wishes that i was more assertive. (She feels like she is the stronger individual in the relationship and doesn't want to be that person. She wants to be taken care of)

Well that's interesting. Did you used to be more assertive when you were dating and became more passive? This is actually a fairly tricky issue to navigate because in the end, you need to be true to yourself and who YOU want to be. If you want to be more assertive, then pursue it. The worst thing you can do is temporarily put on an assertive act for your W, and then not be consistent. That will torpedo you fast.

In the course of my wanderings I've read a few books that touch on your W's complaint. Some, but not all women, want you to be "The Captain" in the relationship, and they want to be the "First Officer". That's much different from saying they want to be a deck hand, they are just looking for you to take the lead because it makes them feel safe.

There are subtle things you can do to improve this dynamic. One is not to ask open ended questions, but instead make a suggestion and seek confirmation.

For example, replace "Where do you want to go to dinner tonight?" with "I was thinking we'd go to that Indian place for dinner tonight, does that sound okay with you?"

In the second case, you're leading, but if she doesn't agree, you can have a discussion and go where she wants if you don't care that much. In the first case, you're dumping the decision in her lap.

The subtlety is to replace "what should I/we do?" with "Here's what I/we are going to do, what do you think?"

The "what do you think" is key, because you don't want to steamroll, remember, she's your first mate.

So with that as context, let's look at this:

I asked her this morning. "W, you mentioned last night that you felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don't want an answer now, or expect one, but is their anything that I can do on my end to help eleviate some of that weight?" and I asked her to think about it, told her to have a nice morning, and left for work.

You gave her homework rather than leading.

i.e. rephrase that to say "W, you mentioned last night that you felt you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. Starting today, we're going to change that. I am going to start [paying the bills, arranging childcare, whatever], how does that sound to you?"

See how the intention is the same, but in the second case you're coming across as more assertive?

Acc

[ccZ28]

Thanks for the tips Acc.

I guess I didn't realize that I had stopped being the captain in the relationship. I pay the bills, I take care of the house, and all matters pertaining to fixing/yardwork/projects, etc.

But when I begin to think about some of the things she has mentioned, I can see that most of the time i just tried to make her happy. I let her make a lot of the decisions on things, and kind of went along for the ride. I need to step up and be the man. I need to be the leader.

Another tricky area that i'm trying to navigate, or would like advice on how to navigate is upcoming holidays, and gift giving.


One of her complaints is that I didn't give enough importance to "special" events.

For example. She recieved a letter from college that said she had made the deans list. I found it and set it out on the counter so that she would see it for herself. I thought she would be excited to tell me about it. Instead she didnt find the letter for a few weeks. By that time I had forgotten about it. She then blamed me for not recognizing this as an important event and not making a bigger deal out of it.

I tried explaining that I had wanted her to find the letter and come to me. I bet you know how well that worked out.

another example. Her birthday. I had built her a brand new $1000.00 computer for her birthday. She needed one for school, and i told her i would build her one that would last a long time. She was very greatful, i told her that this was going to be her birthday gift, because we don't have a lot of extra money to be throwing around. She agreed and we both bought eachother very small gifts for our birthdays. But now, she says... you didn't take my birthday seriously. You could have shown me it was a lot more important to you...


I have read on here where i should NOT buy her a gift (christmas) and should NOT make a big deal. But i feel like it would be the same old thing for me. I feel like i need to show her that these events ARE important to me.

Any suggestions?

I'm trying to stay away from the day to day battles, but some of this information she is giving me seems valuable, in at least knowing how I have made her feel unimportant.

[AnotherStander]

I guess I didn't realize that I had stopped being the captain in the relationship. I pay the bills, I take care of the house, and all matters pertaining to fixing/yardwork/projects, etc.

"Captain" behavior is alpha. All those things you mention above are beta. Alpha qualities are what attract women to us to begin with. Beta qualities may make them feel comfortable in staying, but the passion comes from alpha stuff.

I let her make a lot of the decisions on things, and kind of went along for the ride. I need to step up and be the man. I need to be the leader.

Yeah, when you back down from making decisions your W will step into the captain role. But she doesn't WANT to be captain, she feels like she HAS to be captain because you're not. That builds resentment.

I have read on here where i should NOT buy her a gift (christmas) and should NOT make a big deal. But i feel like it would be the same old thing for me. I feel like i need to show her that these events ARE important to me.

Unfortunately what may have worked when you were still together but perhaps just having some difficulties will no longer work once you have a full-blown WAW on your hands. If you buy her an expensive gift now she'll see it as a bribe to get her back rather than as a heartfelt expression of love.

[ccZ28]

What would you consider "alpha" qualities? Is their a good resource for getting back on track?

Is this part of having self confidence? Making decisions, being assertive?


I did not necessarily mean an "expensive" gift. But do you think something meaningful might work?