Sorry went off on a bit of a tangent up there. Choice. Technically yes.
But not really. I want real love, affection and loyalty in a partner. Someone who chose me for me. Not because someone else did not work out. If that is not him then there is no choice for me. Or if there is a choice, I choose me and the possibility that someone will love me that way.
Portia - I know exactly how you feel, if that doesn't sound presumptuous. And your exSO hasn't got over you. Why is he phoning?
They are fricking delusional, in their own little bubble, and it is sad if he is going to a therapist and leading her around by the nose. A good therapist will stop that game, but not all of them are good with borderline personality disorders (which most MLC behaviour effectively is). And if he has any elements of narcissism, these are the most difficult people to engage in therapy, as they will stay, and even charm the therapist, until the therapist starts to question them.
It is hard for you with your dad, and you have enough on your plate right now
I agree with you on needing true remorse (although I got a few 2 x 4s for saying that). And Nero has it bang to rights - no expectations except bad ones.
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I am no one's consolation prize.
You most certainly are not, and it s good to see this. We need it tattooing somewhere (in reverse so we can see it in the mirror) Perhaps not on the forehead though!
You are the prize and no doubt about it. You deserve a wonderful life w/someone to share it with. Some who adore and love you for who you are. I do hope that one day this type of man will cross your path and live out your lives together. You are definitely no one's consolation prize.
Bea, These mlcers have a very difficult time showing remorse. They would rather sweep the entire incident under the carpet and forget about it. They don't realize or understand how much destruction and hurt that they left while marching through mlc. Always remember, if they do a nice deed, you can most likely expect that there is an ulterior motive and they want something. It's been proven over and over again that this is the way that most of them operate when in crisis.
Maybe we need to have some T-shirts printed up and sell them on this site. I'm sure Michelle would make a hefty profit on them. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for responding - and your kind comments.
Bea, never presumptuous. Sadly, I know how common my story is and how many people can relate.
This hurt will pass, as the rest did. The hurts do, I have learned.
What holds me back from saying to him that I do not want him in my life and please do not contact me ever again? The past is gone. I loved our relationship and I miss it.
That conversation last night was awkward and demoralizing. And pointless. Still, I cannot seem to be able to tell him to bugger off and leave me be - forever and ever. Why? I am getting along fine without him. Nero pegged it - for someone who used to make me feel happy and good, now only hurts me and makes me feel bad.
Bea, I don't know if he is still hung up on me. He's lonely - the GF is gone, the sister (whom he was close to) is gone and he figured that I would be there. He has only felt my loss because HE has lost. Fantasyland turned out to be a fantasy. But he is still neck deep in his lies. 2 x 4 or not, I will need remorse and an acknowledgement regarding how much pain he caused me. If he cannot do that, there is no salvaging this.
Truth is this whole thing seems pointless.
I did not have any expectations of an apology or anything for this first conversation, but neither did I expect to hear in technicolour how little he thought of me when he was happy with GF. I have never been in therapy, but does he talk to his therapist about this? What would she say? Or is he lying to her, too?
I guess we all have set back days and this will be one for me.
With any luck, I won't hear from him for a long time. Maybe not at all.
Well Portia, if my experience is anything to go by, they keep on and on. My xh ran fast and hard, and in the middle period (sound like the Egyptian dynasties!) I went for months at a time with no contact, but is now constantly emailing me. Not because he appears to like me. I have had at least 8 emails since Thursday when I told him that I wanted no more emails. No response from me, but that doesn't stop them . . .
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Nero pegged it - for someone who used to make me feel happy and good, now only hurts me and makes me feel bad.
Yes, that is exactly it. They seem at pains to let us know how little they think of us, and yet, and yet, they do not leave us alone.
My xh claimed he went to therapy, but then he told one of my sons that 'all they wanted to do was talk about his childhood and he couldn't see what that had to do with anything!'
Onwards and upwards. One day this wil all be a bad dream.
I did not have any expectations of an apology or anything for this first conversation, but neither did I expect to hear in technicolour how little he thought of me when he was happy with GF. I have never been in therapy, but does he talk to his therapist about this? What would she say? Or is he lying to her, too?
I dunno. What would he say to you that you two have in common? OW for starters. And if, in his own f'd up way he is trying to put all of it on the table, that would be one part of it. It would be like looking at an ice-cube and not knowing it's really part of the iceburg for you though.
I agree - you are nobody's consolation prize. Not in the least. But you will likely hear from him for a while. They have unfinished business of some sort in many cases. Seems it's up to you to make him go away for good. That won't happen until you are ready to make it happen. I totally get that you miss what you had. It makes it harder to let it go, but it works out better when you do.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Portia I can only imagine the wave of emotions you are going through. I think you did amazingly well. I would have been so nervous.
This being nice for an ulterior motive does make me wonder ... Why? They do what they want anyway so why try and be nice in the first place. I'm sure you have a lot of processing to do following the conversation. Keep posting.
Busting
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I suppose one other thing I should mention - it's not like it's impossible he wants to figure out how to reconnect with you, Portia. Time will tell for that.
I don't think he thinks of you as the consolation prize. If that were the case, he wouldn't come back at all after this amount of time. Who would do that? That's way too much work for anyone at this point. No, if I were the one that did all those things, I'd keep going once the OW was out of the pic. Why? Because I'm not going to go through all that pain and embarrassment for a "consolation" prize. Hell to the no, girl!
As I said, he'll be around quite a bit I'm sure. At least for a while. And as he does this, I suspect your feelings will be all over the map - kind of like at BD.
Thinking this through a bit more since the previous post, I'm rethinking what he's doing. Even if it comes across as a d*ck move, I think it's a genuine attempt to make a connection.
In time, you'll figure out what you're willing to do or not. Because at the end of it all, it really is your choice. And I'm guessing if you can't see a reason to do it, you'll figure out a reason to walk away. It really is up to him to try and make you believe in him and it's up to you to figure out if you're going to and how all of that is going to look.
Make sense?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I am finding that my recovery time is quicker and quicker. Yesterday was not such a great day, but today was OK. Still stupid busy, of course, but this time of year always is! Is it only me that cannot believe it is only a month until Christmas? Yikes!
Bea,
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They seem at pains to let us know how little they think of us, and yet, and yet, they do not leave us alone.
That is the strange thing, Skippy doesn't even seem to realize what he is saying might hurt me. He just rattled off (and again when I asked him to repeat it!) that he moved twice, the first time in July. Never connected with the fact that may have hurt my feelings.
Of course I am still wondering if he recalls that he has hurt me at all, but that is left to the experts.
I was curious about the therapy but didn't press. I didn't actually want to accidently fall into an OR talk. I could not have handled it. In fact, I think I was trying so hard to stay neutral, I may have overdid it. For example, he did send some compliments my way but I never reacted.
Busting, thank you! I don't know that I did great but I got through it without losing my cookies which I think is a plus. But as we talk, the shadow is there, we both can feel it. He alluded to it but I would not bite. For my sake way more than his, though.
AJ,
A man's perspective is always good! Even on my best days, I was never, ever good at recognizing when someone was interested in me. Drove my friends up the wall when I would be so shocked that some guy asked me out and they would say, we could tell. Up to the point where said guy asked me out, I had no clue. Still don't.
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I don't think he thinks of you as the consolation prize. If that were the case, he wouldn't come back at all after this amount of time. Who would do that? That's way too much work for anyone at this point. No, if I were the one that did all those things, I'd keep going once the OW was out of the pic. Why? Because I'm not going to go through all that pain and embarrassment for a "consolation" prize. Hell to the no, girl!
Does this still apply when they are in MLC? I wondered why the effort after all this time, but I assumed it was MLC cycling. Because, I thought that too - why come "back"? Why after eight months make contact only to fill in the time?
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As I said, he'll be around quite a bit I'm sure. At least for a while. And as he does this, I suspect your feelings will be all over the map - kind of like at BD.
I soooo got a taste of that! Lucky I recover faster than I used to. Don't have the time to indulge in the sulks! I do wonder if he will call again or be in touch. I wasn't awful but not overly encouraging either. As you said, time will tell.
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Even if it comes across as a d*ck move, I think it's a genuine attempt to make a connection.
I'd like to think so even if I am not sure what my decision would be yet.
