Raine, you will not get a 2 x 4 from me, although there was a longish period (too long!!) when I would have done almost anything to be in your situation. Now, many years on, and more healed, I can see that this longing was somewhat unhealthy.
There is a huge difference between trying to restore your marriage, and realising that you have been married to a damaged and damaging human being, and wondering where to go from that point.
You are being amazingly honest, and true to yourself. You are not addicted to your h, (in that you want him back at any price).
Relationships take a lot of work between two committed people: if one of them breaks trust in a very very major way, there are shock waves. This isn't simply about forgiveness it is about trauma, and the healing from that.
It took me years to get over the betrayal. Not because I think I was particularly unforgiving, but because it shook me to the core, and caused me to question everything about my entire adult life.
In the longer term this probably did me good, but at the time the pain was so intense that I sailed through major surgery practically not noticing it. It was nothing compared with the psychological pain.
Some of my pain is still capped over, and I wouldn't want to go there again. To have it re-opened, yes, I can see how difficult it must be for you.
Please continue to post. It is helpful to see that 'reconciliation' is not easy. Many who long for it fail to see how hard it is, even though posters like Heart's Blessing fully acknowledge it.
Those of us who never had the chance may think you are in the Elysian fields, except that, as I have said, many years on, I can see just how hard it would have been.
Job has said that ultimately that the choice is up to the LBS: take care of yourself. You are doing something very very hard.
