And I just keep going...

[keep_going]

It’s been a long time since my last post. I am not a Newcomer and I hardly recognize any names here anymore.
Yet I have been around – reading mostly, commenting here and there but not much. Yet tonight I felt the need to write in, to journal, to share…

So be forewarned - this will be a long one...

My H is still a WAH and still doesn’t want to reconcile.
He filed for D on 9/12, but has yet to submit financials or send me a proposal. I have not pursued it further because
a) I still don’t want a D
b) I don’t have a lot of money saved for the L, so I will wait for his proposal and then react to it.
c) All the financial damage that he could have inflicted has become a reality, so there’s not much more for me to protect at this point.

I went back to work in May – against my L and my CPA’s (H’s brother) advice. At that time H completely cut me out financially and I didn’t want to make it harder on my kids. I am so, so grateful that I am healthy and found a job right away that enables me pay the bills. I figure once H moves forward with the D, we’ll negotiate and I'll make sure the settlement is fair. For now, I can take care of myself.

He finally found a job, after being unemployed for over 10 months. I don’t know how much he makes, but it sounds like a lot less than me because during an argument he told me he was being nice to me by not asking for alimony from me…

Once you detach, you start seeing things as they really are. I am still very much aware of my faults in our M. I never denied that. Yet, at bomb drop, as many LBS, I took all the blame – internally and publicly. I can see now that it’s not so. For instance, while I used to think H was careful and protective of our finances, I now realize he is just cheap and selfish re. money. Ironically my father is exactly the same way – amazing how we do repeat family patterns – lol…

Emotionally I am doing much better than where I was at BD. Work is busy and stressful and it gives me a daily challenge and opportunity to improve myself, to try to not overreact, to try to not give it too much importance, headspace, and to try to find a balance in my life. It also lets me see the dis-function in certain dynamics with co-workers – not always easy, but I can see my faults more clearly and where I still need to improve. Yes, there’s still A LOT of work to do within myself…

My kids are growing – fast… I’d lie if I said they are not struggling emotionally, but I didn’t expect any different. Life is busy and challenging, but I know now that I am a perfectly capable mother trying my best to show them love everyday and focusing on making my limited time with them the best it can be.

I still need to work on my patience… It’s not always easy dealing with 3 kids under 6, a 60-hr. / week job and everything life throws at you. I am physically and mentally exhausted many times, and yes, I can always do better, but I keep trying.

I think the big improvement for me is my awareness… When I act in a way that is not ideal, I immediately try to fix it, where as before, I was simply clueless. Yes, still a long way to go before I can say I have become the woman I want to be, but I am ok with it. You can call me a slow learner, I don’t mind – lol…

As for my R with H, I am pretty detached - finally… I don’t pursue, I have given him all the space he wants, our lives are pretty much completely separate after 3 years. I really don’t know anything about his daily life and don’t ask. I am focused on my own journey, my own goals and my own challenges.

I think I have finally let go of the anger I felt for H. I should re-phrase that… when I feel anger towards him or the situation, I can let the feelings flow and pass, rather than react to him. This is HUGE for me, and it only took me almost 3 years – lol… you read right, BD for me was 12/23/10…

Our R during this 3-year separation has been extremely tumultuous and explosive. I admit – OW took too much of my headspace and his affair has truly been a deal-breaker in terms of making me move forward in any way with him. We both have been distrustful - him for all the reasons that led him to leave and my continued hostility, and I for his affair and actions since DB. So we’ve harbored anger towards each other.

The first year could have been characterized by his anger, the honeymoon period of his affair, my guilt, my pursuit, my hurt and anger after the discovery of his affair and my complete lack of detachment.

Year two, he was still in fantasy-land, wanting to have a R with OW AND wanting to be friends with me. I would have none of it and his filing for D just added a lot of animosity and hurt on both ends. Nothing improved and we grew farther and farther apart.

He has insisted for at least a year that he wants to successfully co-parent with me. I was just too hurt to have anything to do with him, so I went dark – as much as I could with 3 kids keeping us in constant communication. Having OW front and center not only in H’s life, but also in my kids life was the hardest part. And so it took a LONG time for me to detach.

Until recently…
H has showed some signs of self-awareness and accountability.

In July, he said in an email: “I believe you did feel blindsided by me (which was originally very hard for me to accept as true) and that your pain over that was/is incredibly difficult to deal with."

A week later, he sort-of apologized for hurting me. I didn’t take his half-hearted effort too kindly and asked that if he was to apologize, he needed to be specific. Here is his response:

“I am asking forgiveness for hurting you with my actions. Specifically for so quickly jumping from our relationship to seeing other women. At the time, I believed that I had made it clear to you that I had ended our relationship prior to seeing someone else. I was naive in my belief that you would somehow be ok with this. I started looking for other options way too soon thinking that "I'd already given you too many chances". This was wrong, so I'm asking for your forgiveness as I have done in the past.
I know that you believe I cheated on you. And I don't know how to reconcile that with what I believe and what I experienced, which was the ending of our romantic relationship. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, especially if it would help you heal, but I don't believe that I cheated on you, and I can't add another lie of admitting to this if I don't believe it. I hope you can understand my struggle with the language you are choosing to describe me. That's all I can ask.
I think we can both agree that it was inappropriate for me to start seeing others so soon. I had very little patience at the time and just wanted to move on and feel loved. It was a mistake and I'm sorry it hurt you.”

He then followed-up with:
“It was absolutely inappropriate to chat with OW and talk to her that much while we were still living together. I completely agree with you about that. I am so very sorry I did that.
Since some of my conversations were about our troubled marriages, I realize that it was inappropriate to discuss my marriage with other women, even my friends. At the time, I was looking for advice and support. I did not share feelings with her or anyone that I hadn't shared with you, but that still doesn't make it right.

It was foolish of me to think that it was appropriate in the first place, but at the time I think I was a bit naive about that too. I never considered cheating on you ever. It never occurred to me that confiding with someone of the opposite sex was even bad. It just wasn't in my realm of possibilities to go beyond a conversation. I realize now that it is a slippery slope regardless of intention. I am so sorry that you had to deal with the hurt that came from knowing that I was turning to other women for advice and support, especially knowing that one of those relationships turned into something more. Please forgive me.
I think you're right that I kept it secret from you because I realized the perception of what it would look like and the hurt it would cause you. I am as disappointed and embarrassed in my behavior as I ever have been, but I am trying to forgive myself and earn your trust again.”


This was the first time I heard him sound grounded and take accountability for anything specific since DB.

Then earlier this month he sent me an email after a fight where he said:
“I wish I would have approached this whole split different from the start, but I have done so many stupid things that I thought were right at the time. I do feel very much responsible for the status of our relationship and its ongoing negative effects, and I struggle balancing my own sense of fairness about how this divorce/separation works (which is clearly different from yours) with trying to keep a peaceful and caring relationship with the mother of my children. I am at a loss on how to work out that balance. “

At the end of Sept. he told me he and OW “had not been serious for quite some time.” Yet, just a few days ago a mutual friend mentioned to me that OW commented on a photo H posted of our D6’s birthday and just yesterday, he told me he is out of town next weekend.

So they could or could not be history. They could or could not be back together… Out of my control, so I don’t worry about it. I continue living my life. And despite all of the above, he still doesn’t want anything with me except friendly co-parenting. That he is clear about…

In the last couple of months, after almost three years of a nasty, nasty rollercoaster filled with distrust and anger, something finally clicked.

Perhaps I was just tired, or perhaps time helped or perhaps my efforts in detaching and GAL finally paid off, or perhaps I finally listened to the advice I was given since day 1 on these boards… but I finally felt detached enough to forgive him and try to have a peaceful R with him.

I am not saying it happened overnight, but I think I finally had the self-awareness that I was ok with where I am at and things don’t seem like life and death anymore. And so I did something different… I sent him an email saying I was tired of putting up a wall and that I chose to begin a new R with him, to show kindness and be vulnerable. And so I have been friendlier and have even reached out to him with non kid-related texts.

We have had many friendly interactions and shared about some of the things we used to enjoy – sports, family happenings, cute things the kids do… We celebrated our D6 birthday as a family and I even told him he is welcome to come with us on our Xmas trip. He said he’ll think about it and I fully expect him not to come. I can't wait for the trip - I have not been in my home country for 2 years and cannot wait to see my family. I will have a blast no matter what.

He’ll have the kids for Thanksgiving this year. I don’t know what his plans are and wasn’t expecting an invitation. I didn't get it anyway. I actually really have no expectations that anything will change any time soon. And yet things are slowly improving so we can at least co-parent and be friendly. That’s all he wants and I think that is all I can handle for now.

And so I continue with my own plans and my own life…

I realize I can open my mailbox any day and find a letter from his lawyer asking for financial disclosures or offering some kind of settlement. Will I be hurt disappointed when it happens? I am sure I will. Yet, I realize it won’t be the end of the world. I don’t know how hard or for how long it will hit me, but I know I will come out of it. Like I have done with everything in these last 3 years. It has not been pretty, or linear or smooth, but there has been considerable progress – IN ME. Heck, I have even re-gained all the weight I loss after DB and find myself in need of some serious dieting – lol…

I don't consider myself in limbo... My life is moving, I have plans and I have A LOT of things to work on - within myself and a very, very busy life.

I have no interest in divorcing or dating right now. When I am, I'll take action.
I am not there and that's ok.
And I still love my H, and that's ok too.

But for now, it’s just baby steps continuing with my goal of treating H with the kindness that the father of my children deserves, not because of his actions, but because of how I want to act and who I want to be – despite of who he is or what he does…

And so I keep going… ☺