Don't Break Character

[Raine]

The conversation continued...

I asked him when all of this started, how long he had been having emotional affairs/flirtations. He said, always. He has always been flirtatious, but he knows now that is wrong and he is not doing it. He is very conscience of it now. He realizes it is hurtful to me and it’s inappropriate. That it was not just innocent and meaningless like he would tell himself. And he has. He isn’t talking to OW. He isn’t flirting. He will tell me if he does talk to another woman and why. I have not asked him for this. He just does it.

I told him that there is a major lack of communication and that is extremely difficult and that I spin because we don’t talk about things. He said he doesn’t talk to anyone. And I said, yeah, but I’m your wife. And he said, I know and that’s why I talk to you more than I have ever talked to anyone else.
After this talk, I told him that I have things I need to tell him and he is going to have to be honest about everything so I can get to the point of being able to trust him. That was a total “MLC tell on myself” moment for me. I dunno what the heck I’m going to “tell him.”

He hugged me, as I was leaving to go out with friends right after this convo. He told me he is here and he is trying really hard and he is sorry. I was out really late and got in about 2:30am. He had stayed up waiting for me out on the couch.

He is usually really standoffish and distant in the mornings. Yet the next morning he hugged me and kissed me three different times. That has never happened before. There has been a lot of passing affection since that conversation. There was one morning he was back to avoiding me, but other than that, he has been more affectionate than ever.

It was like that convo allowed him to get some weight off his shoulders, and it helped that I had a very calm reaction to it. The next night after that convo, he was super happy. Clingy and wanting me with him, but the happiest I’ve seen him in so long. He was stopping in the middle of the room, watching the kids and smiling at them level of happy.

And later that night he started unpacking his bags in the closet.

Yes, that ^^^ deserved its own paragraph. He moved a bunch of his clothing into the chest of drawers that has been empty in the mbr. The bags are still there, but not much remains in them, and I can actually see them now, where before they were buried under mounds of other stuff. He got about 3/4th the way through them and then went and played some phone games.

I haven’t brought up the conversation and I haven’t been distant. I've been pretty affectionate towards him actually. I’m just going with the flow. He is changing. I’m seeing a very new person emerging. A very good, caring, compassionate, adoring person. He had a conversation with another guy in front of me, and told him about other men he admired and how he wanted to be like them.

He has stopped doing almost all things I would consider replay stuff. The replay things that remain are things he wants me to join him in doing. He was spending about $500 a month on collecting stuff. He stopped doing that as of the first part of October. He hasn’t bought anything for two months now and told me he doesn’t need any more.

I’m realizing he is telling me a lot. He is telling me everything. Who he is talking to, what he is doing, I think probably everything going on with him on a day to day basis. But, I’m not. I’m not telling him everything. I don’t tell him much at all. It’s not like I’m trying not to or anything, I just don’t think to. I have walls up still. My walls are still way up, where before all this, there were no walls.

So, fast forward to yesterday. We had a party at our house last night with 25 people. The party was to celebrate an accomplishment of H’s. We have been prepping for it all week, and then Saturday, H helped all day long. We had a lot of old friends, new friends, and people from H’s work. This was a big acknowledgement that we are back together imo.

We have done these kinds of parties before. They used to be a monthly event, but it got to the point it was too much for me, because it was all on me, and H would be the life of the party. I just stopped doing them, because it was just a lot of work and stress for me and very little appreciation or acknowledgement for it. But, not this time. I did much more this time than I ever have before. I made a bunch of food from scratch, several of H’s favorites and requests. But, so did H. He helped cook and got everything setup.

Everything turned out great and was a lot of fun. People were talking about how much they missed these parties and were so glad we did one again. They loved H. Thought he was so entertaining and love his enthusiasm for life. H wants to get back to having them monthly again. I’m all on board for it. It was the most work I’ve ever put into one, yet I wasn’t stressed out or annoyed at the end of the night. I had a great time. A lot has changed. Not just him. I’ve changed a lot.

H also approached one of my guy friends who is dating another friend of mine, and thanked him for taking care of me and looking out for me when I go out with that group. H told this guy that he appreciated him and feels much better knowing that he is there.

So, on to spiraling Raine...

I’m spinning on that conversation we had. I have been acting like all is normal. I’m fine and happy and don’t appear to be spinning, but I am so spinning. To see him that night was really hard. To see him realizing and acknowledging what he did, that he hurt me and hurt others. It's bad. It is so bad for him. He is devastated. It is like he is waking up from a coma and someone telling him while he was in his coma, he killed someone. And I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.

This isn't getting better for me. It's getting worse. The more I open my heart and feelings toward him, the worse it is. I’m sorry that I’m saying that and that those of you who still have MLCers deep in replay have to read that and think I’m absolutely nuts to feel this way. You would not feel this way if you could be in this same spot. I know. It's absolutely ridiculous I feel this way. I hate that I feel this way.

After all this, I'm still so hurt. I feel sick. Like things pop in my head and I have PTSD. Things pop in my head and I literally need to throw up.

I can't stop thinking about stuff. I didn't think it would hurt this much. And that continues to grow, not improve. I thought I would be more forgiving. I thought it would be easier. I thought I had already dealt with it, already knowing. I feel like if we had gotten D, I have worked through all of that to where I would be okay D. I have not worked through being in a R with someone who broken me.

I thought I would be happy. I now feel like some second choice. That he left for her, wanted her, and it blew up, for reasons he probably blames on me. I don't feel like he ever picked me. I feel like he is incapable of being alone. I'm questioning whether I should have divorced him. Where would I be then?

It made me so sick to realize he was having sex with her right after I got pregnant. He was having sex with her while still having sex with me. And the more truth comes out, the worse it gets, even though it’s not any worse than what I already know. I already know the worse. Why does this new information change so much for me when before it didn't? It would have been better to know everything before we ever started being an "us" again.

That's the thing. It's nothing worse than what I already knew right? It's just new. It's just a new variant on the same stuff I already knew.