The Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Hi BF, dragon :), bea, and tiger.

Things were going in a good direction, I was going up the rollercoaster so it is only natural here that I start going down...

I was feeling so hopeless, believe it or not, with things at times feels SO normal. I needed to see where we stood at this point and time.

It kind of started when he had mentioned the other night how he thought I was really changing into a better person. So I thought about that all night and then had to ask about it this morning. I said 'So you said that you think I have become a better person, what about you, have YOU become a better person?' He said 'Well I am working through things and I haven't done the deep soul-searching that you have done with all those marriage tapes.' I said well it's not just those but I have done lots of things to help me feel better about myself.

He then asked if I'd hear from his bro on Tgiving, and I said no it was strange that I haven't heard from any of your family on this. He said his bro texted him and it would be at his bro's gf's house and there was a list of things to bring. I said 'oh I didn't get that one.' He said 'I didn't know if you wanted to go.' I said 'Why wouldn't I want to go?' I still love his family and we all get along, even in this time. I then said'So are you going to be there?' He then said he would 'meet us there'. He is going to Floormop's house before that...me, not very happy.

I asked him if knew how embarrassing and humiliating it is to me when I am out somewhere (like at kickboxing or his parents for thanksgiving) and I have people ask me where he is? I told him that's why I stopped going to kickboxing. He said' well you don't have to say where I am'. I said 'That would be a lie then'. He was shocked at this. seriously.

He was also leaving today to go watch football with her and her friends. I said to him' don't you feel fake around them? Knowing that you're married and you have a loving wife and son at home?' he said 'no I don't' quietly . I know I shouldn't have said that but I am tired of him going out. I asked him twice to Please don't go. The last time he tried to be angry, but he is not good at being angry with me, lol, and he said I AM going, but still sounded like a softie saying it, and he hugged me.

I told him that secrecy and lies have no place in a marriage, nor does it have room for a 3rd person. I'm tired of this fake marriage. I then asked him how often he saw her because he is at home most of the time. he said 'here and there'. My thought was well that sounds like a real relationship, not.

I also asked him if he remembered asking me about something (which I can't remember what is is now either) and he said 'no, I can't seem to remember much these days.' I said 'Yeah, you're in that fog.' He agreed.

I said'Well when I asked you to lie to me about all this and you didn't show the moral center or self-esteem in yourself to stand and say no I won't and I won't do this anymore, I knew you were lost.' I know that wasn't the nicest thing to say to him, but it is how I felt.

We talked about the past 6 years ago when we were separated and both seeing other people. He brought up that he was hurt that I had to go back and finish up a relationship with the guy I was seeing, so that was why he started an EA with a girl at his work. I told him 'well you got to finish up your first affair, so why shouldn't I be allowed to finish mine?' He said he never finished it he just walked out on her and didn't contact her again. I said 'do you remember that you wrote her a letter? and then she called and threatened to come over to your house?' 'It sounds to me like you got a chance to finish it.' He said 'No I don't remember that.' I told him the EA he started after breaking up with PA really hurt. I told him it seems like he does all these things in reaction to things I have done, almost making it like revenge. He said Yeah maybe I do. So I said 'well why is it fair for you to do these things and not me?' He said he didn't know.

I told him I never meant to hurt him as bad as I did. I told him the depression this time contributed greatly to the demise of our marriage. He had a hard time understanding my deep depression and thinks I purposely avoided him, rejected sex or doing things with the family. He took it very personal. So today I said I never meant to do any of that personally and it was the disease. After I said I had to make excuses for him when he was not present at kickboxing or family events, he said well I had to make excuses for you when you didn't you were sick all the time. So I injected a truth dart.

I said 'I don't think it's fair of you to compare making an excuse for an illness to making an excuse for an AFFAIR.' I then said 'If I had a physical illness like cancer, would you have done the same thing and run into someone else's arms?' He quietly said 'No. I told him I never meant to hurt him with my actions from the depression, I never meant to reject him sexually and now I realize that is what I did and how hurt he felt. He says 'Well I know that now, I didn't at the time, but I do now.'