WORKING TOWARD CONNECTING WORKING ON ME

[beatrice]

I think that financial issues can be one of the reasons that MLCers delay divorcing or not, but it is not the only one. If it is MLC their brains are like Swiss cheese and they are driven by their emotions and fears, as well as their pocket books.

In some cases they delay divorcing because they do not actually want to marry the OW, and there is pressure coming from her. In others they are genuinely undecided what they want . . . . MLC is not unidimensional with the MLCer being driven by cool financial considerations, though I agree it can be part of it.

[Ambivalent]

. MLCers tend to forget that life does go on and they have this crazy thought that we should remain right where they left us pre-crisis.

This is something I get, if he wants to return, wifey is where he left her, all tucked in nicely in the nest.

In many instances, as long as you don't rock the boat, they will continue on their merry way and live life in a perfect fantasy. We are then stuck in limbo for months and even years wondering what is up w/them.

So this seems to be my H. for now...operative word "seems".

With ^^^^^'s what are usually the outcomes? Do they continue living with their head in the sand, are they guided, do they have epiphanies?

My husband's pattern has been to run or status quo.

For example: When dating , it was almost four years. I explained that I would not move into the townhome without being married first.

When I was preggers with the first child, he moved us back to the east coast and into his mother's home. If I didn't say something we could have been there much longer. It was almost nine months !

So if I don't "rock the boat" I could be here indefinitely? Or do I guide him along. Now according to MWD, this is about saving a marriage. And according to Hero's S. there are time tables for different actions.

What have you seen? Personally, I'm getting to the IDGAC stage, perhaps that's the dropping the rope. I'm tired of working working working and feeling these creepy crawly feelings.

I just want to get through the holidays and then go very dark. I think it will be better for me. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this. I am so torn and yes AMBIVALENT.
I kind of need reassurances, and hope. That's why I'm having such difficulty reading all the negative stuff in this forum.

For someone in crisis, he seems just like himself. I keep reading how different they are or become. The only thing different is the leaving, and distancing. He isn't dressing radically, or doing dangerous things. I admit , he is acting out somewhat, but nothing like I've been reading.

I also wonder if due to his self awareness , he doesn't want to be obvious. Or throw his actions in my face, ie Viagra, seeing other people, fake piercing. At this point I'm starting not to care...

I haven't gotten to the " it's my turn "
stage yet. I'm just starting to cycle back to the anger. Probably because when he was done hunting , he didn't bother to let me know he wouldn't need the SUV.

It isn't a seething anger just an irritated. If a girlfriend did this I wouldn't be happy either. It comes across rude and being taken for granted.

[job]

Ambivalent,
There is no set timelines when it comes to MLC. They will get through it, when they get through it. There are no set timelines when to have talks w/them because each and every person is different. You know your h better than anyone and that is where YOU will determine when it's the right time to chat him about things. We can only advise you of what we see from your postings. Again, don't focus on timelines. They are only maps to help you along the way, but each situation is different, therefore timelines would not work for all of the readers.

Sorry, but I hate to burst your bubble...wanting to keep you right where he left you doesn't always have a thing to do w/returning. It doesn't matter if he returns or not, they like to know you are right where they left you as a safety net and/or for emotional support. I've been at this 14 years and been divorced 11 and my xh still thought I was right where he left me...but he's been very much surprised that I haven't. Life doesn't stand still nor should we.

The outcomes may vary, depending upon the people involved when it comes to rocking the boat. Some will remain in limbo a very long time and then become frustrated and angry and the lbs will then file for a divorce. Others, well...some will eventually return, but it's a long road to walk and remain in limbo and living on the edge of anxiety not knowing what will happen if they opt to rock it a bit. Those that do rock the boat will sometimes hear "I want a divorce" because the MLCer doesn't want to have to deal w/the fallout of their decisions and that statement is very much a defense mechanism to get you to get you off their backs.

Your h may appear to be normal around you, however, you do not know what he's like when he's not around you. He could be the life of the party or a bouncer for all you know. They wear different masks in different situations. Don't assume anything when it comes to what your h is doing or how he's behaving in his separated life. Some don't go the extreme route of acting out in a radical manner. Those that don't act out are more inclined to just want some space and time to experiment just a bit. Some just work and go home and sit in a dark room, others will take on a hobby and obsess about it, some even become workaholics and then you have those that want to climb Mt. Everest or sail around the world. Each crisis is different as the person experiencing it.

To be perfectly honest, your h may be really at the beginning of his full blown mlc and is just starting to take off and that could be why he's kind of mellow right now, but that's my opinion of what I've read of your situation. You do not know what he will become if he continues down the path of MLC and his situation w/money becomes tighter. You need to see and understand that anything is possible w/the MLCer. Life in the world of MLC is not a pretty picture for either party.

As for throwing things in your face about his actions, i.e., Viagra, seeing other people, etc. Why would he? He isn't stupid by an means and he knows that if he did that, you would have grounds for divorce and could take him to the cleaners. No, mlcers are very sneaky and cunning when it comes to their "secret" activities and only when you have proof and you confront them will they tell you the truth, if you are lucky. They are very good at skirting around the truth and will only tell you what they think you want to hear. They are extremely well versed in gaslighting.

You are going to have a lot of days where you get tired of working and feeling those creepy crawly feelings. You are going to have days when you are up and then down, you are going to experience anger, pain, disappointment and hurt as well as panic and anxiety. But, the more you feel these emotions and allow them to wash over you and then let them go, the quicker you'll bounce back. The more you detach and stop focusing on him, his behavior and what he is or isn't doing, the better. The more you focus on yourself, your studies, job searches and your family, the better you will feel. Yes, it's not what you want at this stage of your life...but we all have to learn to deal w/the cards that we've been dealt with. No one wanted to be on this ride, but if we have to ride the coaster of MLC, you might as well buckle up and when you've had enough, YOU will know when to get off that coaster. YOU are the only one that has the power and control over what YOU want to do about your situation and your life.

Ambivalent, I'm sensing a lot of frustration w/your postings about reading the negatives here. No one can predict what the outcome will be for any of the posters. No one can tell you that the crisis will be a smooth sailing ride or if it will be a rocky one from hades. The ride is generated by the person in crisis, but YOU, the lbs, have the power to determine when you've had enough and YOU can get off that ride at any time by detaching, turning the focus back on to you and just leaving the MLCer out in the cold, cruel world to either learn to fly or drop to the ground. I'm sorry that we aren't painting a rosy picture of many positives here, but people are trying to be honest about their situations and they are painting the good, the bad and the ugly to try to find some answers to their situations, i.e., to learn how to cope and move forward w/their lives. You have choices here too. You can read the postings and determine which ones that will help you and those that don't...then don't read them. The same applies to the advice that is offered here...you take from it what you need and the rest remain on the shelf. You always have choices in life...it's what you decide to do w/those choices that counts in how you want to deal w/your situation.

If my advice is too negative, I will be more than happy to cease posting to you. I remain here after my own experience w/MLC to try to help others navigate the coaster ride and learn how to become survivors and success stories. Success stories are made each and every day here and I have been very proud of each and every poster because they all have had to navigate the MLC coaster and yet, they come here to continue sharing, no matter how difficult their lives are each and every day. Success is being able to take back your life and learn how to live it to the fullest each and every day.

[tigerlily78]

Probably doesn't know that I'm around, since he's without a ring. There are no events for the next two months, so no reason for her to call his cell phone twice within a half an hour , last Saturday. Most photo's of her are without makeup, tends to look a bit mannish. Curious , very curious.

Haha. Mannish. I saw a pic of the OW in my sitch where she looked like a total drag queen. It does make one curious, doesn't it? I think we need to just keep reminding ourselves that the OW isn't the OW because she is so darn special, it is usually just because they were the right person in the right place at the right time with the right balance of their own psychological problems. :P

[tigerlily78]

Why do they do this? Do some of them actually believe that they can go out and play, while in the back of their minds they plan to come back? Kind of like taking a time out?

Why do they feel they have to make the spouse feel like they aren't coming back?

Why not immediately file? I've noticed a pattern with some WAS'. The ones who are really done, file within a month or so. What is up with these guys, is it really let me find something better? If not I can always go back?

I think in most cases they don't know what they want. What they are really DOING is running away from their unresolved issues, right? They run and run and try all these new distractions and make all these crazy changes in HOPES that the changes will make the problems disappear, but it is almost like in the back of their heads they already know that you aren't as much a part of their problems as they have offloaded on to you... and of course as we DB, we are working to make it even more obvious that we aren't the source of the problems and so they do feel drawn back to us, to the comfort and familiarity... they really don't seem to be able to wrap their heads around the impact of their deception and affairs on other people. Everything is about them and what they want and need, sometimes they want us and sometimes they don't and sometimes they just don't even know.

[job]

Ambivalent and Lily,
The MLCer isn't always looking for the beauty queen or king when they are seeking out affair partners. They generally look for someone that is a step down or two. What the affair partner provides is an escape from reality and strokes their egos. They do not question what the MLCer is doing at first and they provide all of the attention and admiration they can to keep them on their leash.

However, there are a few MLCers who will seek out those that are a few steps above them, but the bottom line is the morals are still the same, i.e., cheating w/married people, providing them the avenues for "exit affairs" into a world of fantasy.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Job,

To be perfectly honest, your h may be really at the beginning of his full blown mlc and is just starting to take off and that could be why he's kind of mellow right now, but that's my opinion of what I've read of your situation

I don't know if this may be. For Spring of 2012 he blurted out he was not happy. I being me, oblivious, didn't know how to react.

I figured he needed to make himself happy. Finances were tight and I believe at that time the job he had was with a huge company known for a high stress tech environment.

Back then is when I decided I needed to figure out what as a job I could do. Within days I figured it out and started looking for schools. Because of daughter's college I would have to wait 'til fall.

In Fall he wasn't ready, then all of a sudden in Jan, he said he could swing the finances. I remember sitting in the deans office with the contract, and him making me sign it!

I thought it odd, for I didn't have an income, this was a contract he expected me to sign. Looking back, I remember feeling apprehensive, that something didn't feel right.

Two months later, I was delivered the bomb! In hind sight, because I was so focused on school and stressed out about doing well, I had no clue what was going on.

Looking back I also remember another odd moment. It was around March, when I was walking to the bathroom, nude, he blurted out ..." I'm still attracted to you..."

Weird, for it was out of the blue and as I was going to get in the shower. It was almost as if he was trying to convince himself of something. Now, over the past several , he tells me how great I look, " but he's NOT attracted to me..." It seems just the opposite. Go figure?

His mood swings of 2012 and staying out longer and longer with poker were all 2012 behaviors.

In May through July of 2013, he was angry, and I was just validating him, hearing his complaints etc. When I started pulling away and acting " as if " we were fine, " as if " I'm a good sport, he responded with more comfort around me. In August I found this site.

He pretty much told me he was melancholy and lonely, in late August and Sept. and needed to get out of the fraternity environment of his friends house, where he was crashing. That is when another friend gave him the use of the condo in your state.
He was sitting in the condo, brooding and thinking about us. Then out of the blue, he started "getting out" and behavior started changing a bit.

Oct. was the busy replay month...the meet up profile, the 300.00 receipt, Viagra, magnetic earring, going to several clubs with live bands... the casino near by.

He's also doing his other hobbies, poker, bowling, and now hunting. He is liking his new job and working at it.

So I'm not sure where you consider the beginning . For I would say he's been going through this since my daughter first went of to college. She is now a Junior. Both of us noticed his grumpiness back in mid to late 2011.

His background is , his father deserted his mother when he was a teen. He was the only one who got to tell him off. Mother taught all kids to hate him. He considered himself the black sheep of the family. This Jan/Feb when his father died, not one of his children went to the funeral.

In the same quarter , his friend from high school who he roomed with while we were dating, committed suicide. Then he got fired , and stopped paying the mortgage a few months later.

Not pretty, I know! To be frank, if all that hadn't occurred I believe he would not have run away. I believe he would have continued to brood and eventually get into counseling.

He snapped, I know. The stress he's been under has been enormous, and yet to my amazement he is still functioning. I on the other hand tend to shut down. Depression is brutal.

I went under close to my daughter's first year ( empty nesting ). I was reaching out to him, yet we were having difficulty re-connecting. Knowing why now...Ha!

I am getting through the emotional cycles much quicker now. I don't know if it's the increase in my Z. or that I'm getting my feelings out when I'm feeling them.

I do know I tend to mind read something horrible. OCD contributes a great deal to this. It is awful with which to deal. I believe because he's looking others are accommodating him. I assume women want him because of his charming personality. Then I try and think like a 30-40 something , and he looks like he is at least in his early sixties. He probably sees himself looking old too. More than a year ago he commented on his picture, and how old he looked.

I'm laying low right now, I won't talk to him until Thanksgiving, and then I'll lay low and go dim. I will need to discuss Christmas presents for our girls and a budget for the extended family. Not sure how to do this. I would prefer face to face so we may write things down on paper.

I really don't know how I'm going to feel day by day. Prior to all of this, I would get up early and have a smile on my face. I was content, still trying to figure things out, but focused on school and getting a job. I wanted to contribute to our future, our lives together. Now I'm so distracted I cannot focus at all. I'm barely absorbing any material and if so , just short term memory.

I wish I had the ability to compartmentalize as my H. does. It would be so useful .

[job]

Ambivalent,
It takes a while for them to go into the full blown crisis and from what you posted, he had been leading up to it for over a year. Generally, the leading up period is 12-18 months, so, by my estimation, he's in early/mid replay. I do hope that he continues to be a calmer MLCer versus an angry monster type.

It is difficult to focus and remember things when you are shell shocked. In time, you will be able to focus once again. Just be kind to yourself and don't make too many demands on yourself. Take each day as it comes and minute by minute. Keeping things in "small" steps is far better than trying to accomplish large tasks right now.

Try to enjoy your upcoming holiday w/your family. Most of all, try to be yourself and leave the MLC shadow at the door.

Take care of yourself.

[Ambivalent]

Funny, he even said..." the past three years... " when describing his state in a conversation with me.

I guess it took him longer to actually act on his thoughts of seeking. He admits to feeling that things are a ball of confusing thoughts and hopes the IC will help him sort it out.

I was a topic of his conversation with his IC. I don't know if he went to IC this past week. Since he blew a tire and had to replace it, now his window won't roll up! That'll be more money he doesn't have to spend.

Just wonderin' Job, why you thought I should offer for him to come to Thanksgiving ? Was it for me, my kids, him? If he's in replay , won't this just make it more difficult for him?

Or because his family has always meant a lot to him, it will give him comfort? Just curious where you are coming from on my homework assignment I completed ;]

[Ambivalent]

Wooohoo, down another lb...38 lbs. My goal is 40 by Christmas!

Clean

Dogs

Gymn

eat

Dance class!