Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[chasingpavements]

I know I am not an expert on validating, and that I really need to work on that in order to move forward. I don't really understand, maybe someone can help clarify this for me. I know you are supposed to say things like, "I can see why you would feel that way". Problem is, I don't feel that I DON'T understand why he feels a certain way. And usually I feel the OPPOSITE way as him, and he feels the OPPOSITE way as I do.

Perhaps I need to understand more where he is coming from and why he feels the way he does. I can understand him wanting to make a point, but why would he do it in such a way that he knows bothers me? I think that when our arguments get to that point, that we should stop arguing because by that time no one is listening to the other person and we just start blaming.

I also wish that he would validate my feelings and listen to what I am saying. No matter what I say he will go on the offense and fight back. I just wish he would listen and show some compassion, or reassurance. This is SO hard for both of us!!! For sure it does not come naturally.

I tried to tell him that sometimes I feel as though my feelings don't matter to him or aren't important to him. He started going on the offense right away and I told him that what I was longing for was just for him to reach out to me and say that things will be ok, and that he cares about me. He then stopped arguing and gave me a hug, but didn't say anything.

I know that I need to be better at validating, but what do you do if your partner will not validate or listen to you?? This is my idea... next time if I have something important to bring up I will wait until we are both calm and not rushed. I will then tell him that I have something important to discuss with him and that I would just like for him to listen. Is that a good plan??

I also don't understand, if we both just validate how can we work through any given issue to get the issue resolved? It is all so confusing to me. This is where I think we need the help of a MC. Right now we are both doing IC and he wants to keep doing the IC for now. He doesn't want to be doing both IC and MC at the same time.

I told him that I feel we need MC to work though some of our issues we are having and he agreed, but he is not ready yet. I am worried that our problems will get out of control if we don't get help and if we try to solve the problems on our own. What if we mess things up?