Hoping for Reconciliation after being Separated...

[lovethehub]

It is true, I do worry that history will repeat itself. We got to this place largely because we were not able to communicate to each other our core needs and our resentments started building until we were enemies. I would ask him if everything was ok and he would tell me it was. I would ask if he loved me and he would say yes. I came to find out after the fact that it wasn't true. He was not telling the truth because he didn't want to deal with it, and he thought he was doing the right thing by "playing along". Truth is, I am scared to death of that happening again.

I know how you feel, I felt the same way and it had happened to me several times in the past where I thought things were getting better and then a few months later H would say 'nothing has changed for me'. However, that was before I did any real work and he would BD me and then a week or so later we would be 'back together'. Since the final BD, looking at myself, our long talks before moving forward, H is more open. Sometimes I can tell he is keeping something in (like before) but now I can nicely say something to him and we will end up talking about it. Our M will never be perfect but it is so much better and when we do have an issue we can talk about it. Sometimes we start to fall into old patterns but it usually doesn't take long for us to recognize it and put a stop to it.

I asked him recently how I would know that he was committed to things because in the past he had told me he was playing along. I wanted to know how I could trust that the changes he was making were real this time. He jokingly said he wouldn't be doing all of this stuff right now if he didn't want this.

Jokingly on the surface but I would have to guess this is true. Considering you aren't living together and he is doing the work to get back together, try to feel confident he really means it - because it is a lot of work to do for nothing if you don't really want it.

I asked him what made him change his mind to want to work on things again. He said that he had come to realize that I wasn't completely to blame for my trust issues with him, that he played a part in it as well, because through counseling he discovered that part of it was that he has not been able to bond with me and form that connection that would make me feel more secure. He shuts himself off from me. Since BD, he told me, he had not been able to get over that trust issue, but counseling has helped him. He also said that he realized that there was more there between us than he previously thought. That he really liked me and missed me.

That's huge! So nice when they have realizations and it sounds like H found a great C which is awesome, too many are the opposite. I didn't like H's counselor (we had orig gone to her together about our D and then our M) but he told me one time that she had encouraged him to stay a few times when he didn't want to.

I feel a little bit awkward about going, but to me this is a big step for us, that he is inviting me.

Try to put your awkward feelings aside and go with confidence and with your head held high! My H's sisters both knew everything that was going on, that I had an A, etc. and I chose to act as I always had.

I am happy for you!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks lovethehub.. things are going well with us! Sounds like you have gone through a similar situation. It's hard but I think we are doing pretty well. I think it is huge, the way he is opening up. Even him telling me that he liked me and missed me. (haven't heard the ILY though.) He seems serious to want to work on things, which is so good, and he is really committed to going to going to counseling. I get the feeling he wants to move quicker but his counselor is telling him to move slowly for now. He is hoping to move home by Christmas.

[chasingpavements]

Kind of backslid on the weekend and now I feel kind of bad. We had a big fight on Friday where we both ended up saying things that we didn't mean and it got ugly. We don't argue that often, so that is probably why when we do it gets awful. We started accusing each other of things. It started with me asking him to take the kids for an hour on Sunday since I would like some relief around the house with the children. He gave me a hard time and I got angry. Then I started saying that I have the burden on me right now, at which point he vehemently disagreed saying that he has been helping a lot and has been supporting our house financially.

I understand that we both are dealing with difficult times. I do feel like I have more of a burden on me right now, and that also it is not great for him to be staying at his brothers. I just end up dealing with the everyday things that he doesn't deal with, like shovelling 2 feet of snow from our driveway this morning! I shouldn't have been so accusatory at him though. I was feeling emotional and we shouldn't have been arguing when we were both tired.

Then he started talking to me in this awful, accusatory tone. I told him I didn't like his tone and didn't want to speak to him when he was using that tone. He then got so angry that I asked him not to talk in a particular tone, that he was just trying to prove a point, and speak his mind. He got mad that I wasn't letting him say what he wanted. I told him we could talk later when we were cooled down, that I didn't like to be spoken to in that way, it felt condescending or like he was talking down to me. I told him it felt awful for me to hear him talking to me that way and my feelings didn't matter to him him. I told him that my feelings of being hurt that way were more important than him proving a point. He got pretty livid. And I got angry that he would wish to speak to me in that way and that it didn't matter to him that it hurt/bothered me. I was SO angry!

I ended up saying that I was sorry for saying some things I didn't mean, and that he HAS been helping so much and I appreciate it. We both agreed that we were tired and shouldn't have been arguing. I suggested that next time we talk in the morning, as we are MUCH calmer in the morning than in the evening.

[chasingpavements]

I know I am not an expert on validating, and that I really need to work on that in order to move forward. I don't really understand, maybe someone can help clarify this for me. I know you are supposed to say things like, "I can see why you would feel that way". Problem is, I don't feel that I DON'T understand why he feels a certain way. And usually I feel the OPPOSITE way as him, and he feels the OPPOSITE way as I do.

Perhaps I need to understand more where he is coming from and why he feels the way he does. I can understand him wanting to make a point, but why would he do it in such a way that he knows bothers me? I think that when our arguments get to that point, that we should stop arguing because by that time no one is listening to the other person and we just start blaming.

I also wish that he would validate my feelings and listen to what I am saying. No matter what I say he will go on the offense and fight back. I just wish he would listen and show some compassion, or reassurance. This is SO hard for both of us!!! For sure it does not come naturally.

I tried to tell him that sometimes I feel as though my feelings don't matter to him or aren't important to him. He started going on the offense right away and I told him that what I was longing for was just for him to reach out to me and say that things will be ok, and that he cares about me. He then stopped arguing and gave me a hug, but didn't say anything.

I know that I need to be better at validating, but what do you do if your partner will not validate or listen to you?? This is my idea... next time if I have something important to bring up I will wait until we are both calm and not rushed. I will then tell him that I have something important to discuss with him and that I would just like for him to listen. Is that a good plan??

I also don't understand, if we both just validate how can we work through any given issue to get the issue resolved? It is all so confusing to me. This is where I think we need the help of a MC. Right now we are both doing IC and he wants to keep doing the IC for now. He doesn't want to be doing both IC and MC at the same time.

I told him that I feel we need MC to work though some of our issues we are having and he agreed, but he is not ready yet. I am worried that our problems will get out of control if we don't get help and if we try to solve the problems on our own. What if we mess things up?

[chasingpavements]

I do know that him opening up to me and even arguing with me is a good sign, as he used to just hold it back. Should I just let him talk to me in that awful condescending tone or did I do the right thing? His tone is hard to describe, but to me it is like nails on a chalkboard and it just rubs me the wrong way. I want to hear what he has to say, just not like that! I told him I have no problem talking about it if we could talk normally.

I am still so upset that we argued.

[bluesgal]

Chasingpavements,

I like this question. My husband is also rude and condescending. Blames me for EVERYTHING. How do you balance acting 'as if' and drawing the line at being treated poorly?

[chasingpavements]

Hi bluesgal (I like the username...)

I was appalled that he wanted to continue talking to me in that way even after I told him how it made me feel
He said it was just his regular voice. I told him if he were to hear his tone he would understand. He said that is how he gets his point across. I was so frustrated!!! Even after I told him it bothered me he insisted that it was ok for him to talk that way.

Next time I am just going to try to postpone/stop the argument in it's tracks when that happens. Unfortunately that is something else I need to work on really bad.. stopping an argument without sounding rude. I need to practice saying, "I think we should continue our talk at a later time..."

Problem is, he has closed himself on the past so I don't really want to limit what he has to say... Perhaps I can tell him, "I really want to hear what you have to say to me, it is very important to me. I would really like to continue our discussion when we are both calmer."

[bluesgal]

Chasingpavements,

Thanks for the compliment! We sound like we have very similar situations.
I agree about continuing to talk at a later time when things are calm.
I struggle with this, too! I just get so emotionally involved in the conversation and so upset that he is treating me so poorly.
It has helped me to detach. Going dark for a few days always seems to help us "start over" with conversations. I need to remember to leave all R talk behind. Stop bringing it up. I seem to bring it up when the kids have questions about our family that I can't answer. I see them hurt and I want them to have the feeling of security with their family.
Good job on working on validating. EVERYONE on these threads emphasizes how important that is.

[labug]

Chasing, do you want to be treated in that way? Do you think that's the way loving people address each other? (If you've read many of my posts, I'm very open about the fact that I was "that" person in my M) That behavior is damaging for any M.

You can't fix him but you can protect yourself. Have you read much about boundaries? This is a perfect place to say, "H, when you talk to me in that tone and with that facial expression it hurts me (or whatever it is you feel). If you continue to talk to me in that way I will leave the room." No talking about it, no arguing, no blaming, no loud voices, you just state the simple fact.

If he continues, leave.

The next time he does it there are no reminders, you just leave.

There's a book called "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It" It might be helpful for you right now.

[chasingpavements]

Labug, no, I don't want to be talked to like that. If it comes to it I may have to set that boundary. It's not like he is really talking down to me, but just gets a know-it-all kind of tone that really irritates me. I am sure that I do the same as well. He was getting mad at me for telling him how to speak!

And we really don't argue that often. When we do we both get on the offensive, I am guilty as well. Once we get to the point where we are both attacking each other, we go around in circles and nothing gets resolved. I'm hoping that we can actually finish our conversation another time, when we are calmer. In the heat of the moment the issues all seemed so important, and then when we had cooled down our problems seem more solvable.

I think my H is getting frustrated because he feels we argue and nothing gets solved. Perhaps if we can sit down and calmly discuss things and try to see each others sides things might get resolved so we can move on and (hopefully) let go of some of our resentments. I am also starting to think we need MC soon, as I am worried we might mess things up on our own! H is not quite ready yet though... ah!

Other than that, things have been going great for us. There is a whole new and exciting dynamic between us.