I hear everyone's advice for patience. In words and actions, I am just sitting back. Today, there was no contact and I did not initiate anything. Occasionally, the friendly neighbor pops up to listen and empathize. Internally of course, I am yearning to open up, but I know she needs to lead the way.
After some promising comments W made last week, this week she made almost no contact until today. She took off the first few days from work. I emailed her once or twice, but she typically didn’t respond. I called her Wednesday just to see how she was doing and she said she was in a foul mood. I didn’t ask why. There was no contact Thursday. Friday I tried emailing her a joke, to which she responded I must be drunk. When I asked her for an explanation, she said I never tried to be funny before (which is not true). She would later tell me that she spent the entire week watching all the Harry Potter films on TV (in no particular order) and playing video games.
Today she emailed me asking if she could stop by the house, but understood if I wasn’t there. I told her she could visit. After she arrived and started petting the cat, she started talking about us (something new). However, it was just a retread of all her past arguments and examples of past blame. In no particular order: things would go back the way they were if she returned; I blamed her for everything; she can’t give me what I want (children); I didn’t respect her; I made her feel terrible; I made it so she didn’t want to come back to the house; all I wanted her for was sex; she didn’t earn enough money; etc. Since what I have been doing hasn’t been working, I tried sharing how I felt or what I was thinking when those things happened. There were so few breaks in her diatribe, I didn’t get to say much. She referred to it as “our argument,” but there were no heated exchanges or name calling. I didn’t blame or get upset. After an hour or so of this, the conversation went back to her venting about work. She let me know she is going “home” for Christmas and assumed I was doing the same. I told her no, that I made other plans (nothing more). When she finally got up to leave, she indicated she needed more of the clothes she left at the house. After gathering a few sweaters, she made some comment about how she hasn’t picked up all her things because she doesn’t want to do it with me here. She then got in her car to leave, looked at me, and said, “What? We talked about crap.” Crap being our relationship.
She is feeling that way because she is waffling. She is fence sitting. She is at a crossroad and has no idea which way to go.
Regardless of if you felt you had been funny before, she did not... Was a good chance to say something positive in your favor.. "Well, W, I am looking into other sides of me... We could use more humor" or something along those lines. Maybe her comment was an attempt at being funny...
As far as "crap" goes... You could be possibly reading too much into that. I use that word a lot. Crap is stuff. Crap doesn't always mean something fecal in manner.
This is a point where we are all told to not have expectations. Expectations that do not live up to out thoughts lead to disappointment.
This is a little set back. Nothing more.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
She is feeling that way because she is waffling. She is fence sitting. She is at a crossroad and has no idea which way to go.
Regardless of if you felt you had been funny before, she did not... Was a good chance to say something positive in your favor.. "Well, W, I am looking into other sides of me... We could use more humor" or something along those lines. Maybe her comment was an attempt at being funny...
As things drew closer to BD, there was certainly less humor in our R, but I often made her laugh through bad jokes or puns. She is still exhibiting selective memory. I did respond with humor by reminding her how she responded to many of my terrible puns.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
As far as "crap" goes... You could be possibly reading too much into that. I use that word a lot. Crap is stuff. Crap doesn't always mean something fecal in manner.
I don't think she meant it in a fecal manner. But she was minimizing by suggesting we had "talked." It was a lecture. One she has said so often it just seems rehearsed. We have not really talked. Either before BD to address her concerns or since.
Originally Posted By: MrCAS
This is a point where we are all told to not have expectations. Expectations that do not live up to out thoughts lead to disappointment.
This is a little set back. Nothing more.
I hope you are right. Her words often waffle, but her actions seem to all move in one direction. I don't believe she has taken any actions that would suggest backing off from D.
I will certainly ask my TC, but what do I do? I feel like limited contact would just be more of the same. Only listening to her vent about work or about us is more of the same. What do I do to change the dynamic?
Her visit did not sit well with me. I decided to try something different and share some of my thoughts as recommended by my TC. After deciding how to proceed, I called her. I told her I was concerned about her. I told her I felt like she was depressed. I have observed that she has not gotten better since she moved out. That she sits in her apartment all the time watching movies and playing games. When she has a week off from work, she still isn’t happy. I asked her what she looks forward to and she said she looks forward to nothing. She stated that I thought she was crazy. I told her I never said that and that I would appreciate it if she would listen to what I am saying rather than interpret it. I said I didn’t know what to say or do, but I was concerned. She made a sarcastic comment about how she was suppose to believe she would be all better if she moved back in. I told her no, but that I helped offset some of her negativity. That I sometimes made her laugh or forget about work. She said that if she knew how to get better didn’t I think she would do it? I said sometimes it is easier to just keep doing the same thing. I told her to let me know if she thought there was anything I could do. She said she appreciated that. It was a short phone call. Most of the conversation she didn’t say anything. The pessimist in me wonders if she was distracted by TV and not really listening to me. Not sure how DB I was, but I feel I need to change our dynamic. Experiment and monitor results right?
Hi Dragon my friend, I think you needed to change the dynamic too. And, you said some things to her you probably needed to say.
She does sound depressed, I remember feeling like that, that I had no idea how to help myself. It would have been so awesome if my H had done what you did and expressed your concern over it. I miss that he wasn't there for me. I think it was wonderful that you let her know you were there and concerned for her.
We don't always have to be db, there are things that have to be said.
Now that you've said it, let it lie for a few and see what happens.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
