I've been a lurker on this forum for a while and have finally got up the courage to post. I have read the books and the rules and have been having trouble applying them to my particular situation, so I am hoping that by outlining things here I am going to get some advice as to where I am going wrong, how I can improve - and a few 2X4s if needed.
My DH and I have been together for nearly nine years, married for four. We have two children - 8 year old and 3 year old. After the birth of our youngest, I was very sick with PPD and PTSD. I believe that is where the root of our problems are - I was working, my DH was a student, and I was angry, depressed, anxious - really taking it out on him. He was basically a punching bag for me, developed his own anxiety and depression issues (I believe) as a consequence of this, and generally withdrew from me. It took me about a year to seek treatment, and I can say that only in the past six months have I started to feel fully recovered. DH has stuck by me in practical terms - he's a SAHD to our children, is devoted to the, and works hard around the house, but he's very withdrawn from me.
I have been persuing him and getting upset when he's been distant - that has led to some really ugly fights, to us both threatening to leave each other, to some very hurtful things said. He says he feels helpless, like he has no power in the relationship, like he isn't respected, I don't care about what he needs, that he doesn't get to have choices about how to spend his time, that he's unhappy, and it is my fault. I haven't been good at validating him, and haven't been good at showing the patience and perseverance that he did while I was ill and recovering. I do believe that we're on the brink of leaving - he's certainly told me several times that he is trapped, and only here because he can't afford his own place, that he doesn't want to leave the children, etc.
I have been trying to give him space, be kind, be calm, and not ask him for anything - not pester, not ask that he spend time with me. It is hard for me to make sure he has time for himself - I work full time, am around as much as possible at the weekends, but I also don't want to suggest things for him to do because I don't want to stifle him or make him feel disrespected or controlled.
I have been reading a book called 'Boundaries'. So far the only Boundary I have put in place is to do with our communication. I won't speak to him in a sarcastic or disrespectful way and I won't stay in a conversation where he is speaking that way to me. I calmly say, 'please don't speak to me that way, if you do I will have to leave,' and then I do. This hasn't had much effect so far, though I have managed to control my own tongue much better.
I think we have issues around money - he doesn't make any at the moment, and though I transfer money into his account each month for the household and his personal needs, he doesn't feel like he is in control - I guess he feels dependent. I have said I will work less hours so he can work outside the home if he wants to, but he hasn't had success at finding work and I can't work less until he does. I pay for childcare three days a week so he can have time to himself and he generally uses that time to work on the house or do some leisure activity.
We also have an issue around sex. He tends not to initiate very often - I believe because when I was sick I so often refused, or had anxiety-attack type symptoms, became very angry and unreasonable when he approached me. I can totally understand that. I have been working on initiating with him more, so we do have some sexual contact, but it isn't really that enjoyable for me. Partly I think due to anxiety on my part, my focus on constantly reassuring him that it is okay, I am not going to get anxious again distracting me, and partly to do with the fact that he does very little foreplay or kissing. I think this might be because he is scared - he will do nothing unless I ask for it specifically, and if I don't respond quickly enough, he will stop. This feels very pressured for me, so it's been easier for me just to make sure he has a good time and forget about me. I think he's angry about this - he tells me that there's something wrong with me, that I need to get therapy, that it isn't his job to make me feel good. I think he's scared and frustrated.
The other problem is with his family. We've been struggling for a while - but it came to a head in the summer. He was giving me the silent treatment and I was beside myself. I confided in his mother. She, at the time, seemed sympathetic (we had, up until that point, been reasonably close) but since then has certainly cooled towards me. I have been ignored by his sisters at family events, and apparently his mother has said some fairly unpleasant things about me to DH. I have not indicated that I want to curtail his or our children's time with them, but I don't feel comfortable around them any more and I do feel hurt that DH hasn't defended me or supported me in this.
Another issue is drinking. DH has always been a big drinker - me less so, though over our first years together I gradually started drinking more as so much of the time we spent together revolved around drinking. After the birth of my second child my drinking and his really got out of control - I think we were both self medicating anxiety and depression. While we both drink a little less than we used to, I still drink more than is good for me - mainly to deal with boredom, lonleyness and stress - and I believe that DH drinks too much too. This often makes him really angry - I certainly don't feel unsafe with him (he has never been violent - punched a wall in frustration once during an argument, but nothing else) but today it is about 8pm, he has been drinking since 2pm in the afternoon and has just asked me to put more money in his bank account so he can buy more. I don't want to do that, but I don't want him to feel I am controlling all the money and what he can do either.
Really I need help with making some specific goals and 180s that I can try because I am lost. Things are most peaceful between us when I leave him completely alone and stay out of his way, but I am not sure if that is helping, or not.
