Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Not feeling too good today. Feels like 3 steps forward and two back. I just miss him soooo much. Went for a run on the beach and it was such a beautiful day - perfect for going out in the water with our surfboards - I just wanted to do that with him today.I want to do so many things with him. I hate this detaching sh!t. I don't want to detach but I know I have to in order to save myself. Feels like I make progress and then I fall apart. Is this the rollercoaster? Just want to hole up.

Talked with my neighbor the other night who sees H when he comes around. Says H's not doing good - tries like hell to put on the show but there is an element of angst about him. H told my neighbor he didn't realize how much he lost in this whole thing. Not sure what he means by that - probably means many things on many levels, not just our marriage. I wish he was lamenting not having our relationship and was at a crossroads in deciding whether to come back and give it a try.If wishes were horses . . . Unfortunately, I think his pride will keep him from ever coming back.

Gawd,I hate this.