[SemperFi00]

Guilt can be good, if it's in response to knowing that in some way we've hurt another person and we want to make amends for that. In this case it seems a little misplaced...why do you think you should be able to fix your W?

I don't think it is necessarily guilt around not being able to fix my W - more guilt about letting things get to this point. Although maybe that's just semantics because if this is her issue I guess I couldn't have prevented it from happening any more than I can "fix her" now that it has.

Part of it also I think is related to how I was raised and just good old fashioned Catholic guilt. Something like "judge the measure of a man through the countenance of his spouse" and the belief that a man is supposed to provide for his spouse and family.

Maybe it's also not guilt about trying to fix her but rather that I haven't found the right way to say or show her that staying together deserves more effort that what we have given it so far?????

She can do A because of B. She's an unhappy (depressed??) woman and for whatever reason, she's unable to get change that. Kids aren't better off in a depressed intact family. This is one of those situations where perhaps the most loving thing you could do is say, "I see how difficult this is for you, let's end it well for the kids and for us." (when/if she files)

Thanks for this perspective labug. I think that she is maybe depressed - on a low dose (20 mg) I think of an SSRI. One of the generics for Prozac. Don't understand all the ins/outs of depression but for the life of me I can't think of what she has to not be happy about. Great life ecomonically, relatively healthy, 3 healthy, well behaved children, etc......

I think she may be looking for some excitement or to feel alive versus just feeling like she is going through the motions...

Can't understand it but from what she has described I can certainly state that I would not want to be going through it.... what ever "it" is

What is the self-inflicted misery and who do you feel she's blaming? I remember you writing she said is was her, not you.

Not sure - seems at times like she doesn't want to be happy or doesn't feel like she deserves. Or something similar to that....

Maybe other contributing factors could be the fact that she is likely going thru menopause (PCP mentioned 3-4 years ago something about peri-), her F was an alcoholic who at best was emotionally distant, her parent went through D when she was younger and W didn't have much of a R w/F for several years, older two boys are 17 and 15 and need her less so not feeling as important..... All things that she has mentioned directly and indirectly at different points.

Right now, I think at some level she is blaming our R for how she feels and that is why she is saying she wants to leave. At the same time though she says that she is not sure that leaving is really going to make her happy but that if she could spend 50% of her time with kids and be happier that would be an improvement.

Have more thoughts and things I would like to journal about but this may be getting long now so going to take a break......

Thanks for the continued interest and support