I'm off today, S is still sick. Funny I was scheduled to have today off, but my boss decided we had too much going on and could I please reconsider taking today off. I agreed to come into work. My boss does this all the time to me, yet she comes and goes and she pleases. In fact, she's out of town today and tomorrow, she's golfing , it's supposedly work related, but with her you never know. She's a control freak, micro-manager and obsessive about the neatness of her world, we at work refer to her as "Monica!" I have detached from her drama, also.
S’s little face is gaunt; his eyes were sunk into his face yesterday with dark circles. He's feeling a little better today. S has never been this sick and to be honest I like the energetic, spirited, and sassy little boy! I am so thankful he is a healthy little boy.
Last night H wanted to know if he should sleep upstairs with us. S was going to sleep with me. I said you could if you want to but keep in mind S is going to be moving all over. I then thought about it and suggested H sleep with S and I sleep in S’s bed, but H ended up sleeping down stairs. Not too long after H went to bed he was back upstairs to see if he had heard footsteps. I said no we hadn’t got up. I think H felt left out the night before and didn’t want to miss something.
I provided the major care to our S yesterday. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed not focusing on me, I enjoyed keeping myself busy and making sure my S was as comfortable as possible. I like being needed, “doing” for those close to me.
Now my H isn't 4, but there are similarities between my two boys. Sometimes they don't want to be touched or hugged. They are demanding...can you get me some ketchup, can you get me that, etc, etc., etc. The little things they both do that irritate me--mess up my hair!. It’s interesting how much more attention I’m paying to my H and his world, the way he acts, the different personalities. And H does have different personalities! They have been there for years. It’s like I’m seeing them all for the first time. I must admit I AM seeing the mature personality a lot more in these last few months.
Yesterday wasn’t a bad day, there were those moments. But for the most part it was a good day, I'm getting better at detaching from H's drama. It is trying on my patience at times, where I just want to scream or shout back, but I'm seeing how it works TO detach and feeling better about it. That it's working will keep me on the course. Someone suggested a "biting the tongue" technique that I might need to try on some days or the screaming in the car technique to blow off steam.
I was out running a few errands, H had been out earlier and picked up an item that he wanted returned because he bought the wrong one. I said I could pick up the right item. Well I left and forgot the item, but figured I’d call H when I got to the store. So H calls me and says why did you forget these, how are you going to know what to get. I told him I was going to call him when I got to the store. (me in my mind: that’s what cell phones are for after all ) H said “They need to be returned!” I calmly said I know, I can do that another day. They only cost $3 and it was kind of ridiculous that he was insistent that they be returned TODAY! So he calmed down and gave me the item numbers and I bought them. Go figure!
S4 is getting over the flu. Supposedly this strain lasts quite awhile and has taken it’s toll on S4’s body. S is getting better, is being very demanding, but then always has been. He’s temporarily forgotten the word please. Just got back from the doctor, he threw up so much that he ruptured some blood vessels in his eyes!
Things have been good with H. A lot of our focus has been on S this week. I’ve been home and H does call home a lot. I’ve been taking care of some of his hunting business, i.e., requesting applications from Colorado, Montana and New Mexico. H is kind of like my boss, wants things done right away. Even though there really isn’t any hurry.
H does spend a lot of his time researching the net for places to hunt in Canada. My H’s mind is hunting/fishing focused and maybe this IS his way of dealing with his life problems. I do remember suggesting counseling and H responded no I’ll just hunt and fish. I see it more of an addiction or compulsiveness with spending money on hunting. This is an addiction and escape for my H. I wouldn’t mind it so much but each year he spends more and more $$ on his trips.
If H gets home later than usual from work, I do not question H on his whereabouts. I ASSume he’s just working late or might be stopping off to talk to OW. I have heard nothing about OW nor do I know if H is still talking with OW. I do know that he’s been sleeping here, in our bedroom in the lower level. Do I let him continue to sleep down there, is he waiting for an invitation from me to sleep up here again?
I do catch H a lot just standing and thinking. When I ask questions sometimes he doesn’t hear me or chooses to ignore me. There is no answer. I acknowledge him when he comes home from work and I’m here. I say goodnight to him at night..most times he doesn’t respond back.
When he’s button pushing and doesn’t get the response he’s hoping for, me reacting back, his voice takes on a tone of defeat. He doesn’t admit defeat, it’s just the tone of it. Maybe it’s that a lot of H’s anger is gone. We are relating to each other better. I am letting H see a side of me that he hasn’t before, also.
H likes to get on me about my parenting skills. The other night I was doing something for S, I don’t remember what it was. H said “not to do it” in a rather loud voice. I replied back “I know, you’re right, but it’s just that I feel so bad for our S. I wouldn’t have done this in the past, I would have just stood my ground, wanted to be right—the booby prize—and that would be all. Now I’m seeing it’s no so much about being right, because that’s all you get—to be right. There are times when H says stuff and in my mind I’m thinking you are so wrong, but not say anything, maybe it’s validating.
Not much else to report and I don't if that's good or bad.
I did ask H about his fast food issue with son. Well it was McD’s that he’s more against, KFC and Wendy’s are okay with him. Which is fine with me to. I’m just so McD brainwashed. So the issue wasn’t so much fast food like I ASSumed it was but McD’s.
Your husband is in big time withdrawal. Keep doing the things that you are doing because it is helping him to get through it.
He is going to take his anger out on you because he is going through withdrawal/OW withdrawal at the same time. That is the reason for him being in the lower bedroom. All I can suggest is once in a while do invite him up. If he says no, then leave it alone for a while and then ask again.
It helps whether you think it does or not for him to know that the door is open for him to return, but there is no pressure from you. That you are okay, but yet you are still there.
You are handling things well and this is going to take some time for him to get through. This is much harder on him then you will realize at this time. There is so much going on in his head and that is why you don't get responses. Not because he is trying to ignore you, but because he is so wrapped up in his thoughts.
Let him be to get through this. You can not make it go any faster then what it is. Everything is being brought up that he did by the Lord. I mean everything. No holds barred. He is seeing everything that he did and that is alot to deal with.
I remember going through mine, I didn't want to speak to anyone or be around anyone. I wanted to hide in my room and just think and cry. I had to face things that I didn't want to face and it did not give me a good feeling. I snapped at people for the dumbest things as well. It took me a good 3 months to get through the hard stuff before I started coming out of it.
There is no telling how long it is going to take your husband because there was OW involved. It is very hard to face the real you and all that you did. He is not ready to go to speak to a counselor either. He has to deal with this on his own and in his own way. If hunting/fishing is what he has to do, he will do it. It gives him more alone time where no one is there looking at him or watching him. It is him by himself looking at himself with no destractions.
I would not want to be in your husband's shoes right now and my heart goes out to him for everything that he has to deal with. Keep lifting him up in prayer asking the Lord to give him the strength and the courage to face himself and give him the guidance to make it through.
Quote: H has been in a "mood" today, trying to push buttons ... Yesterday wasn’t a bad day, there were those moments. But for the most part it was a good day, I'm getting better at detaching from H's drama. It is trying on my patience at times, where I just want to scream or shout back, but I'm seeing how it works TO detach and feeling better about it. That it's working will keep me on the course. Someone suggested a "biting the tongue" technique that I might need to try on some days or the screaming in the car technique to blow off steam ... When he’s button pushing and doesn’t get the response he’s hoping for, me reacting back, his voice takes on a tone of defeat. He doesn’t admit defeat, it’s just the tone of it.
I'm wondering whenever he start his button-pushing, if a blanket response like: "I feel like you're trying to help me out by pointing out what you believe is wrong, but I would really appreciate your help more, if you would suggest solutions on how it can be better?"
That kind of response might help get him to think about ways to break the cycle and try to approach you differently.
Quote: My H’s mind is hunting/fishing focused and maybe this IS his way of dealing with his life problems. I do remember suggesting counseling and H responded no I’ll just hunt and fish. I see it more of an addiction or compulsiveness with spending money on hunting. This is an addiction and escape for my H. I wouldn’t mind it so much but each year he spends more and more $$ on his trips.
I can understand where your H is coming from on this. When I was trouble about my personal life a few years back, I tend to spend more time in the solitude of the outdoors with no one around.
Don't fret that you are having thoughts about OW. Its gonna happen and I like how you put it that it just goes right thru from one side and out the other. That's exactly the right thing to do! What doesn't work, is allowing those thoughts to get stuck in the middle.
Quote: H likes to get on me about my parenting skills.
That may be for now, but the more H sees you tend to S4 like you have done during this bout of flu, the less he will jab you on your parenting and the more he will see you as a mother full of TLC.
Just a general impression: It seems to me that your H is very fixated on being in control (even of your actions/timing) and being RIGHT about everything.
He slams your parenting skills, cleaning skills etc...I wonder if this is a well-learned cover for his own feelings of insecurity?
Talk about denial...can he honestly think that one McD's meal is a crisis? That such a meal is more harmful to your S than his own displays of anger and disrespect? His cheating, his comments about "not living here" his absenses, his late nights....
Same with his snide remarks about the sink etc...It's like he's making himself feel better by shooting darts at you.
You're doing well by NOT responding as you might have in the past.
Quote: I'm wondering whenever he start his button-pushing, if a blanket response like: "I feel like you're trying to help me out by pointing out what you believe is wrong, but I would really appreciate your help more, if you would suggest solutions on how it can be better?"
That kind of response might help get him to think about ways to break the cycle and try to approach you differently.
I guess now is the time to starting trying these suggestions. I'm so worried about overreacting to this kind of stuff or not reacting all. Rather than to say to H, what do you suggest I do?
I, too, find a peacefulness when I'm alone in the woods. No work to do, no one else to worry about or deal with, just me, the birds, and the squirrels and the occasional deer!
Yeah the man sure knows how to play the role of an *ss doesn't he?
I told him this morning I was going to a hockey game tonight with a gf and his response was "you can't make plans" Yes he is a control person, but I WILL NOT be controlled. For everything he thinks he can control he can't. He knows better, that if he doesn't want to parent our son when I have plans, then I'll get my sister, my mom, my SIL..a sitter...I'm not sitting at home.
At this time, my H is not interested in doing anything with me, which is fine. Doesn't mean I'm going to sit home either.
So the man isn't working today. He calls me, wants to find a feed dealer to buy some corn form. Can't find any names for him. Says he's going to GM and then to lunch. We hang up. I then decide to ask him to lunch. There's a great place that serves a fish fry at noon. I call him back, he's sounding very "quiet" today and ask him if he'd like to have lunch with me!! He says where and then says it's way down town from you and I say so. He then says "no" in a very quiet voice.
Why won't he do anything with me?! This is the frustrating part, I don't take it personally, but it would be nice to do something together once in awhile!
Maybe in time, for now I'm continuing to do my thing and H is doing his thing.
H did stop off after work last night for a "few" and was in fine form when he got here. Nothing mean, he was actually not too bad. He was most attentive to our S and they went to sleep together. H slept upstairs last night, also.
I posted to you on Laurie's thread this morning. Great stuff!!!!
You are doing such a great job at not letting H get to you or taking things personally.
I don't know why your H won't do things with you...his anger is gone it seems but I wouldn't rule out depression. As Laurie says, he just needs to ride it out and get through this stage. I'm sure you'll have your H "back" before you know it...you deserve it!
How's the little guy?
Hope you have a good weekend. Have fun with your gf and I hope the little one is better.
Thanks for stopping by. Little guy is recovering, he's still really tired. Sat with me most of the night and watched TV.
H did say to me last night "when are you going to dump a guy like me anyway?" or something along that line. I said I'm not.
Detaching sometimes is hard. On the nights he is out and about, I really enjoy the time to myself. I can just kick back and not be so on guard and read my books. At times it's like I have two children, the same age!
agreed to come into work. My boss does this all the time to me, yet she comes and goes and she pleases. In fact, she's out of town today and tomorrow, she's golfing , it's supposedly work related, but with her you never know. She's a control freak, micro-manager and obsessive about the neatness of her world, we at work refer to her as "Monica!" I have detached from her drama, also. 
What doesn't work, is allowing those thoughts to get stuck in the middle. 