I'm finding myself railing at the unfairness and injustice of it all today. H and I made a commitment to each other. We were supposed to be partners, a team, a united front. There are two people in this marriage, and four people in this family. So, how is it that HE gets to make this huge, unilateral decision that affects ALL of us? Why is it that we haven't sat down and talked, REALLY talked, about what happened, and discuss things like normal, sane, rational adults? Why all this avoidance? I know, I know - midlife crisis, blah blah blah, he's not sane and rational, blah blah blah, he can't face things, blah blah blah. I'm just so sick of being in the dark, and I am so sick of his selfish behavior, and inability to be an adult, changing the course of our lives. Bleh.
PW, if it makes you feel any better, I think we all have these days! Our sitchs are a little different (I don't think my H is a mlcer) but the same general idea - he unilaterally decided to turn all our lives upside down, and that isn't "fair."
My C taught me last week something that has helped me. She had me think about what my values are around this separation, around life, around whatever situation is at hand. She told me to accept that living these values will come with some fear/anxiety and bad feelings - it always will, whether we are in crisis or not. That when I have the fear/anxiety or bad feelings, to notice them but not struggle with them. Instead, to place them aside, and refocus on those values that are important to me. So, for example, when I think about the holidays without H, I notice that the fear and bad feelings are there. I don't allow them to take over my life, but I also don't struggle trying to push them away, because that blocks my view just as much. Now, go back to those values I thought about. I am going to make this a great holiday season for my kids, and I am going to cherish the memories we make together. Based on that, I decide what my day is going to look like, and I continue on with that mind set.
I will admit, this is exhausting. It's hard that I can't just BE, without constantly having to refocus my thoughts, but I am hoping that as time goes on, it will become more automatic and hopefully I will have more positive thoughts and fewer negative thoughts.
I know that right now it seems like small solace if, at the end of all this my M does't work out, I can be happy that I am living my life according to the values that are important to me, but I have to believe that I will have a fulfilling life regardless of what happens with my M, and just have faith that's true. What I do know is that it will be worse for me to allow myself to be miserable.
I know you are just having a bad day and just needed to vent, and you are not going to wallow and allow this to derail you. Just thought I'd put that method out there in case it helps. Now that I type it, it seems to obvious, but I know for me, I am so mired in this situation that I don't see the obvious sometimes.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Had a terrific day with S yesterday! We drove up to the mountains and went hiking. It was COLD!! We didn't let that interfere, though. We bundled up, and enjoyed some of the most breathtaking scenery imaginable. S got some great photos - including some close-ups of the icicles on the rocks at Triple Falls. Best of all, he was talking and smiling and laughing the majority of the day! I came home thoroughly exhausted - 10 hours of driving and 3 hours of hiking made for a very pooped pw! - but it was totally worth it.
H called and sent texts throughout the day. I thought that was unusual...until I got home. See, I had asked him if he would come over and see to the dogs while S and I were gone. He said he'd love to, no problem. I asked him during one of the phone calls how the dogs were, etc. He told me they were fine, he'd had to clean up an accident, but no big deal. When I got home, I knew immediately that he hadn't been there. I had placed a small piece of paper on top of the key I'd left under the mat for him - it was still there. Also, no dirty towel from cleaning up dog pee. So, all the contact yesterday was from guilt. Guilt from not doing what he promised, and guilt from lying about it. Dude, just be honest with me! I'm not going to take your head off!
melissag, that is excellent advice. And yes, I was venting, but it will still be a valuable tool in dealing with those bad days.
labug,
Quote:
So what do you want to do?
I would really just like to have an honest, rational discussion with him about his thoughts on the M. What does he feel led to him having A? We never had that discussion. He avoided it, like he has been avoiding everything these past few months. All I got was "I'm confused and I don't know what I want." I suppose that is all he can give right now. And an honest discussion is probably out of the question - see story above. H has issues with telling the truth.
So, what I do right now is just keep on keeping on. Live my life for me and S. Do everything in my power to build a secure and happy life for us.
Funny note, H said something about Dishrag yesterday that was rather ridiculing. I think he was testing me, seeing if I would jump on it and say something bad about her. I didn't take the bait.
You're right, you're not going to get that from him right now and you may never get that. Accepting that allows you to take one step further in the direction of your life.
You can have a good,even grat life with or without H. I know you want him in it but that's not available to you right now, so make your life great.
Focus on YOU.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
