Wow heather .... Thank to for that. You gave me a new perspective on some things. Especially the not being emotionally healthy/affair bit.
I understand the logic of not speculating and mind reading. It has served me well and I mange to stop myself forthe most part. It still creeps in at times and I think if I don't speculate i wont be prepared for what may happen next.
Also- the bringing over his stuff thing. I guess it makes more sense in my head that he is actually probably just emptying out his apartment here - after our talk yesterday he made t pretty clear that he doesn't think we should live here anymore.
When I feel vulnerable, or unsure of what is happening arond me or do not trust someone I am very wary of their actions and intentions. H makes me feel all of those things- especially the lack of trust. I know it can be rebuilt ... I don't feel his recent movement is for trust building. I think it's for his own selfish reasons.
He wants me to 'get on board' with the idea of moving. That upset me (didn't show it) because I want him to 'get on board' with stuff too! I don't want to move to another country..basically following him... Again... And still be seperated. Why am going to move my life and my kids lives not a strange country with no support, friends, family and no H ? And I would feel I would have to so that the kids are not far away from H.
I want to tell him that when we talk about the possible move again.
Heather thank you again... X
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I live in North Africa and my H has moved to the UAE
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, this is big decision to move to another country. Make sure you take some time to really think about it. Who knows what will be better for your kids, to have their Dad living in another country and only visiting them, or to be uprooted and moved to an unfamiliar place. Plus, if the move will not guaranty that H will be in your kids’ lives more and it will still be the same, then what would be the benefit.
I’m kind of curious what his actually motivations for your move. If I understood it correctly, he was not involved with the kids that much. Well, maybe recently he started showing more interest. Also, his comments about the possible rumors make me wonder. I’m pretty sure that the you will get the answers to all these, just don’t rush with a decision.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
It's not the first time H has asked us to move. He asked a year ago as well. That was at the same time he decided to move himself ( back then it was under the pretence of a temporary work move).
I will think about it and talk to him about it again eventually. The thing is I don't trust him. And I let him know that. It was in some text messages over the weekend. I was frustrated after he spoke to me the whole 'I want you to get on board with this' comment. Why should I???
In a 180 for me I told him in a text ( I know that's not the best form to communicate- ) that I don't trust him or his motives. That me and the kids would no longer accomadate his lifestyle at the expense of our own lives and happiness. I told him that I was suspicious of his recent 'niceness'. He said 'are you afraid?' And laughed and I said 'no' and lol back and then he said 'maybe it's the calm before the storm' and I said I am not afraid of storms anymore.
Then I told him that as far as I was concerned our M is over. I don't want to go back to it. I said I am saying this because I do not want to be subjected to his poor treatment of me anymore and his assumptions that just because I am one and nice that I am pursuing him.
I added that that I do believe anything is possible. I added that I like Him but not the Dr Jekyll persona he has become towards me and the kids and I want very little to do with him while he continues to be with that woman and chooses to not be a part of our lives. I assured him that I am not angry or judging him. I respect he has made his own decisions yet I need to continue protecting me and the kids from the consequences of his decisions.
He didn't comment on anything I said except for the calm before the storm bit. We remained friendly to each other afterwards. Even had a drink together.
This morning I woke up and thought I wish I could let H know I am here to support him and I was contemplating texting that to him.
Then he came over ( he wasn't planning on it) and two things happened. He made a comment about some financial matters and I must have pulled a bit of a 'whatever' face because he said ' no really it's true' and explained in detail how he was telling the truth. Is he trying to show me I can trust him?
Then in the car on the way to school, he drove us ( I work at the school my kids to to), the song 'stand by me' came on the radio and he turned it up and sang the whole thing word for word. I though to myself is he projecting something deep down? And how weird that I woke up wanting to tell him I am here to support him and then that song came on. I almost wanted to burst out 'I am and will stand by you! '
Sometimes I feel so sad for him. Not in a pitiful way but in a way of I just want to see him happy. I want him to find his way. I want to help.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Cadet I think you helped me through the first round of ' I want you to move to Dubai' last year lol. Thank you for the perspective. Yes I have a job that I love and a home friends and support network for both me and my kids that we love.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
bustingout, I am on the same page w/Cadet. Unless you absolutely want to start over in a new place, I would remain put for the time being. You have a job that you like, your children are established there w/the schools and you have friends there.
I have to say this just to give you some food for thought...you don't know what will happen if you move to a new area. For one thing, jobs may be difficult to find and there is no guarantee that your h will be any more ready to do the hard work of reconciling. I've seen many LBS pick up and move to a new place because their MLCing spouse wants a change or has opted to take a job in another place. Once there, the LBS and family are stuck living in a place where they don't have a support system and pretty much left on their own. The MLCer then finds another excuse not to fully engage and work on a reconciliation.
Please sit quietly and the answers will come. This is a major decision and one that is going to require a lot of thought.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job. I see the wisdom on waiting on this. I do not have a desire to move especially under these circumstances. My healing has taken me quite some time and I am still in the process. I'm still fragile. I know I need to think of me and the kids first now.
I think I have said my peace for now to H in my texts and will leave it at that for the time being.
The last time I spoke with my coach and told him how I saw things from my perspective he thought there was a shift in H for the better. We both couldn't determine what the reasons were for it. So like you say, i will sit and let the answers come.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I feel like I am going cuckoo with H. He continues to be on the verge of being authenticly nice, yet there is something not quite 'there'. This 'change' in him is throwing me a bit. Nice but not initiating, responding but not offering. I will stay my course. Need to STFU... Even in text messages
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
