I read your thread a couple of days ago, and for some reason I thought about you all day today. I had something all typed up and hit the big 'ol delete button. I so know exactly where you are right now, many of us do.
I want you to think about something for just a minute, things are going to get worse before they get better.....why? Cause your letting your emotions take over, been there done that, 100x over. Your still reacting not proactive. Its still so earl in your sitch, every interaction feels like ripping the Band-Aid off, then your husband pours salt in the wound. Because you give up your power.
I get it, really I do, this early in the sitch you can throw self confidence out the window. Your still trying so hard at times find the why? the how? the when? You may never get those answers.
It will get better, it takes time, sometimes a long time. The more power you give up about yourself, the longer it takes. The sitch feels much more raw, when theres OP involved, but the spouse still lives at home, and the lies are incredible. I know some say its best to have them stay home, but until you have some control over yourself, it can fell like Russian roulette with your emotions. You might pull it off 5 shots out of 6, but wow the 6th one hurts.
I cant sit here and tell you to just forget about it, act as if your moving on. Lets face it, every person on this site has made the same mistakes you are. Its a process, your marriage is over, let it hurt. You cant fake mourning your marriage. Does it mean its over? no one knows that right now, you can keep a little hope that things will work out of course. But there is no fixing the marriage right now, and not anytime soon.
Its funny in a way, our spouses have made some comments, many of which we didn't agree with, some we even wonder where the heck that's even coming from? Then a funny thing happens, we actually start doing the things we couldn't believe they were saying about us in the first place. Most the time we start taking those reactions and bury ourselves in guilt, take on 99% of the blame, and sink into the fix it mode, or the I'm going to be better mode.
Detaching is about taking back your life, not giving up that power, doing things that make you happy. The 37 rules, really are there to help you protect yourself, prevent further damage, and are crucial at being able to find detachment. Its going to take time, your not going to be perfect. No one is.
Your out in the ocean your boat sank, the storm is bad, your drowning. Do you give up and sink? or do you fight for life? Eventually you find something to grab onto, something that can sustain you in the water, you stay afloat. Your out there a while, you start to give up hope. Think of all the things that keep you going? Are you glad when you going to see your kids again? What do you think its like for him not having his mom around? Would she ever come home? Wishing you wouldn't have missed some of the things you did in life. Vacations, that play, hitting a museum, that class? Then all of a sudden, a passing ship comes by and rescues you. Your saved. Now what was that list again? Use it to save yourself now. Cause for now, your in the middle of a stormy ocean.
