Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[bustingout]

It's not the first time H has asked us to move. He asked a year ago as well. That was at the same time he decided to move himself ( back then it was under the pretence of a temporary work move).

I will think about it and talk to him about it again eventually. The thing is I don't trust him. And I let him know that. It was in some text messages over the weekend. I was frustrated after he spoke to me the whole 'I want you to get on board with this' comment. Why should I???

In a 180 for me I told him in a text ( I know that's not the best form to communicate- ) that I don't trust him or his motives. That me and the kids would no longer accomadate his lifestyle at the expense of our own lives and happiness. I told him that I was suspicious of his recent 'niceness'. He said 'are you afraid?' And laughed and I said 'no' and lol back and then he said 'maybe it's the calm before the storm' and I said I am not afraid of storms anymore.

Then I told him that as far as I was concerned our M is over. I don't want to go back to it. I said I am saying this because I do not want to be subjected to his poor treatment of me anymore and his assumptions that just because I am one and nice that I am pursuing him.

I added that that I do believe anything is possible. I added that I like Him but not the Dr Jekyll persona he has become towards me and the kids and I want very little to do with him while he continues to be with that woman and chooses to not be a part of our lives. I assured him that I am not angry or judging him. I respect he has made his own decisions yet I need to continue protecting me and the kids from the consequences of his decisions.

He didn't comment on anything I said except for the calm before the storm bit. We remained friendly to each other afterwards. Even had a drink together.

This morning I woke up and thought I wish I could let H know I am here to support him and I was contemplating texting that to him.

Then he came over ( he wasn't planning on it) and two things happened. He made a comment about some financial matters and I must have pulled a bit of a 'whatever' face because he said ' no really it's true' and explained in detail how he was telling the truth. Is he trying to show me I can trust him?

Then in the car on the way to school, he drove us ( I work at the school my kids to to), the song 'stand by me' came on the radio and he turned it up and sang the whole thing word for word. I though to myself is he projecting something deep down? And how weird that I woke up wanting to tell him I am here to support him and then that song came on. I almost wanted to burst out 'I am and will stand by you! '

Sometimes I feel so sad for him. Not in a pitiful way but in a way of I just want to see him happy. I want him to find his way. I want to help.