H isn't feeling well these days which is why he isn't taking his lunch, as I asked him this morning. I think the resentment is more that I ASSume he's in a hurry to call OW, thus the reason he leaves so early in the morning and FORGOT to take the lunch or take the garbage out. That by not taking his lunch I'm ASSuming he's giving up on trying, ASSuming he's pulling away again, ASSUming he's not coming home, but going to OW's after work. It's me ASSuming the worst.
H brought dinner home last night. Which is a first for my H. He was so proud of himself and it was very good. Lasagne he bought at a deli. I also know he found this deli because of OW..or am ASSuming they purchased dinners from that same deli.
So am assuming and focusing on OW instead of where I should be focussing!
I do enjoy making H's lunch, making dinner for him, it all has a whole new meaning to me..acts of service for my H for no other reason than to show I care about his needs. I didn't make them at all before the bomb and this was a complaint with H. That I never made lunches for him, now it's not a problem at all.
BTW, who cares how your H found out about the deli - the fact that he thought about and picked up a meal for you guys so you didn't have to think about and cook one is great! Besides, maybe he and the guys went there for lunch back before you made them - LOL!
Just enjoy the positives and ignore the negatives. It works for me! (most of the time)
Have a great evening!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Quote: BTW, who cares how your H found out about the deli - the fact that he thought about and picked up a meal for you guys so you didn't have to think about and cook one is great! Besides, maybe he and the guys went there for lunch back before you made them - LOL!
Just enjoy the positives and ignore the negatives. It works for me! (most of the time)
Update---H was kind of an A** last night. It comes with stopping off after work for some drinks!
S and I were out running around till about 7:30, stopped at McD's on the way home. H showed up shortly after. When he found out that S was eating McD's he had a fit. Asked me why I didn't cook him something instead. I pointed at that H took him there, but H said only once in awhile. H started throwing stuff into the sink, including a glass which broke and S was witness. Threw some other stuff, I asked him what was wrong and he mentioned McD's..wtf..I said no it's not McD's! I'm leaving until you go to bed! At that point H went into the bathroom, I went into the living room and was sitting with our S. H came out of the bathroom and mentioned that the drain in the sink was slow draining and it was becuase of my hair and did I ever clean it. I said yes when I clean the bathroom in a very calm voice. H made a stupid face mimicking me at which point I turned away. I did not let my H push my buttons which H was desparately trying to do and I am very proud of myself. Because I was getting pissed at H!! But, separated me from him, at it was H not me! It was H's problem. I had also picked up our taxes and H asked why I did that as he was going to do that. H never told me that he was going to pick them up and pay for them, which he claimed he did. I told him I was over there and picked them up. H just has this way of poking and poking until he gets blood.
H did calm down for the rest of the night. H ended up in our bed with S, kept telling S he could sleep with me!! H was being an all around A** off and on. Once H was finally in bed with S I puttered around for a bit and H kept insisting I come to bed. Eventuall S went to his own bed and H stayed in our bed and we .
H made the comment "how long have I been downstairs and you haven't come down ther?" I responded that I did last week and H pushed me away" and then said to H "you know where I am too" to which he responded "and you see where I am tonight." The thing is I knew he would put this back on me even though it was his decision to move into the other bedroom. This is how H operates..puts the blame on me. What do you do in situations like this? When it's very obvious H wants to be in another bedrom, yet comes back and says I should come to him. I think it should be the otherway around.
I know that H has issues, his drinking, his treatment of me after these episodes. But, last night I noticed H was trying to be civil, he wasn't perfect nor may never be, but H was trying. In the past I got sucked into his drama and it was just ugly all around. Detaching from him is a definitely an eye opener! I do hope that I don't detach too much, because in the past I wouldn't bring up the night before--maybe just wanted to avoid the situation all together. But there are a few issues that I would like to discuss with H. His McDonald's issue with son and the cleanliness of our house. I've noticing he likes the kitchen clean and the bathroom. It could also be a control thing and no matter how clean it is H will still find fault...with something!
H has been coming home the last week, H has been doing acts of service for me. For the most part H has been very civil, thoughtful and nice. I know this is hard for him as he used to drama and for me not to respond in the old ways is probably throwing H off.
At one point last night I was questioning my staying with H, with S being a witness to the throwing in the kitchen and how many times does he need to see this. S did know his dad was at the bar, we had to drive by there on the way back from taxes and H was upset that I told S and S told H he knew where he was. I won't do that anymore, I just don't like that word coming out of my S's mouth either.
I see such a shift in the dynamic of your R. You have changed the game. It's like you used to be playing baseball and now Cathy is on the basketball court. H is still running around on the baseball field wondering how to keep playing the same game. It just isn't as much fun by himself, so gradually he also moves over to the basketball court.
This is all a part of the withdrawal and believe it or not the fits that the throw help to clear their heads so that they can think. Just continue with what you are doing.
Being firm with your stand and not letting him run all over you, but be loving, compassionate and patient. Reread the withdrawal stage. If you remember, HB mentioned that there were going to be times that you were going to have to set boundaries or do things to pull them through this stage.
So you are actually doing fine and you will reap the benefits for your obedience to the Lord. Just keep going through the valley because you will come out of this. It just takes time for right now. He is not angry at you and that is what you are realizing. You have not detached too far. You have detached far enough that you do not get dragged into his drama.
You have to remember that he is going through alot right now and you are noticing it more and more. He is also noticing you still there and showing him love when you shouldn't be after all that he has done to you. You are also being tested by him because he wants to be sure that these changes are real.
Stand firm and don't stop what you are doing. You are making great progress and you are helping your husband more then you will ever know.
Weekend has been moving right along. H had a doctor appt. after work and didn't show up until what I considered well after the appt. should have been finished. We did go out to dinner with S, H slept downstairs again. H was kind of lagging, hesitating before he went to bed, like he wanted to sleep with me, but didn't want to say that. About 6:30 Sat. morning H did come up to our bed. S got up, gave him breakfast and we .
Got up, took S to the circus. S had a good time, but didn't sit still for a lot of it so of course H thinks S didn't like the circus. I sometimes think H treats S4 like he's 14 or something or well. On the ride home, H was very quiet, didn't say a whole lot so I left him alone. H was like that most of the afternoon. H then complained of ringing in his ears, couldn't figure out why it wouldn't go away which contributed to his mood. H's body is slowly falling apart and he will be 50 this year I think that if H would get it through his head that alcohol is not contributing to his health or emotional problems.
S and I went to a basketball game Saturday night, H opted out, didn't want to go. Even had a ticket for him. I, of course, ASSume he's going to call OW, got to his bar or go to OW's, can't help it the thoughts just go through my mind. They have been going "through" my mind, meaning in one side and out the other, I have been trying not to place any meaning to them other than just thoughts that will continue to be there until H opens up to me. H did call while at the game, wanted us to bring some food home for him, but in the meantime managed to find something to eat.
S fell asleep in the car, H and I watched a movie together. I looked at recipes, watched the movie with H on one side of the couch and me on the other. I fell asleep on the couch. H woke me up we both got ready for bed. H told me I could sleep downstairs, I said I didn't want to. I don't like sleeping down there for one thing and H was the one who decided to sleep down there.
So then the fun begins. S has been up since about 1 am, with the flu, both ends. Today he looks so dehydrated and he's very listless also. I didn't wake H up last night to tell him about S either. I thought I'd let him sleep I was handling the situation. H did ask me why I didn't wake him and I just said "why?"
H has been in a "mood" today, trying to push buttons. Trying to blame the "flu" on the way I feed our S. I told H S had a hotdog at the basketball game. My dad worked for Oscar Mayer and we had hotdogs all the time which I told H. H said "no you didn't" he does this just to button push. I said how do you know, you didn't live with us? H said no I didn't and I don't now either! On average he's been making a comment like at least once weekly I do not respond! H did go get sprite for S and when he came back, he seemed to be in a different mood. One of being sorry for being the way he was before he left. H then had to get his prescription I asked if he stop and get coffee and he said yes he could do that.
H is at Menards, son is in bathtub cause his butt hurts. I'm going to get him out, so will be back later hopefully with more "remarks and comments" from H. It's going to be an up and down kind of day!!
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