And you didn't blow it. Don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't cause all the problems..and....you are the one trying to fix it.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Have a day planned with very little interaction with H which is what I need after last night. Working all day and then going to movies with ss18. A few weeks ago H said he could see how much I favored other ss15. At the time I thought he was grasping at straws to find things to be mad at more for since he knows I love them both as my own. However I do have very different relationships with each and H comment made me concerned that kids thought that too so I wanted to plan an outing for just the 2 of us.
Last night after the Nicu video H repeated one of his chief complaints about me. That I allowed myself to become "F's mom" and nothing else. I mistook this as an opening for R talk. I said I did change I realize I gave up much of myself but that I wasn't just Mom I was also H's wife (how I get back to being me is one thing I am working in therapy)
He got SO angry and yelled that I was not his wife. This hurt on so many levels. First for what it means for his vision of future (which I hope will change with time) But also for how he saw our M. He was a bad H (he does not admit to this) and I was a bad W.
Can I apply "Believe none of what you hear. " or would that be just continuing to delude myself.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I'm sorry life is so difficult right now. It can get better.
LTH asked and I didn't see an answer, have you gone to AlAnon? It seems that even tho you admit that his drinking is a problem for you, you're ignoring the elephant in the room. The A is not the problem, his drinking is, and of course whatever issues underlie that. But those are his problems,
Your job is to focus on you. AlAnon will help you get there, if you want to get there. You have to want it.
There's a slogan in the program, Don't go to the hardware store for bread. It seems nonsensical until you think about it and know where it comes from-don't go to an alcoholic for love and affection. You're trying to create normalcy out of a totally abnormal and chaotic situation.
I know his words and behavior are painful but it's not all you. He just wants you to think it is so he can continue to be King Baby.
There's lots of help just waiting for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
LABug. I have the number for Alanon programmed in my phone. That is as far as I have gotten. I have been afraid to go to meeting because I didn't want my H to know. I will look at work schedule and see if I can do some creative tweaking to get to a daytime meeting.
In the meantime I will look through some of your posts to see if there are any tips to help
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
You would not be deluding yourself to believe that H is making up stuff that he didnt feel back then. I'm sure he did love you, he did feel you were his wife, and given the anger he has I would say he STILL loves you.
Emotion is a good sign. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy. So if he acts like he hates you, that is a good sign because love and hate are very close emotions. Crazy, but true.
He is trying to convince himself how bad a person you are and how bad a mistake he made in marrying you. Its all lies. He is projecting, and he is re writing history into something it wasn't.
In fact, the LBS does this too during the early days in theur sitch and I suspect you are doing it too. You've listened to him complain about you so much that you have started to rewrite history too....common lbs issue.
He has convinced you that you were a terrible wife. You are a horrible person. You said it yourself!!. But I would put a bet that if we asked some of the people that know you, that we would get a very different response.
Don't fall for it. Yes you might have done some things wrong, and now is a good time to examine those. But I bet you were not a 'horrible' wife...
It will become clearer to you as time goes on how much this is about his problems and how little it is about you and what you have 'done'. .
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
Sm34 thank you for your kind words I really needed them just now. H and I just had another scene. I am so bad at DB.
I found out from my son that while I was at work today they went to Mc Donald and he met Dad's friend ( AKA the OW). I lost it and told him to not drag S into what ever he is doing. Hr said I was crazy and on and on and then he mentioned the D word. Do I did every possible anti DB thing I could do. Cry, plead, ask him why he said a month ago he wanted to work on things but never followed through. ..ughhh. So now I am basically just waiting for him to decide when he wants to leave.
My s has pretty severe anxiety issues. Shuffling back and forth will be traumatic. I suggested H move into basement and we work out some arrangements with s but he gets to stay at one house. I have no idea what is going to happen.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Julie, you are only human. You are going to have these difficult emotions. And a lot of them. A lot of the time. But if you truly want to DB, you have to be strong and work hard at it. Acting on your emotions almost never helps. I know it is very difficult to overcome the instinct to be mad and vent at your H, but it just makes things worse. All you are doing is feeding into his misperceptions of you. In the book, MWD says no matter how crappy you feel, at this point you cannot show it and you cannot act on it. And she is so right. Every time you are going to say or do something, first think about whether that thing is going to help or hurt your cause. If the answer is hurt, you then must exercise self control and keep it inside for the moment. Don't let your temporary urge to freak out take over - you know that in the long run it will only make things worse.
Don't worry about one exchange. Dust yourself off and go back to DBing! Read the rules again. Read DR again. Commit yourself to following the rules no matter what you feel like.
You can do it!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I read your thread a couple of days ago, and for some reason I thought about you all day today. I had something all typed up and hit the big 'ol delete button. I so know exactly where you are right now, many of us do.
I want you to think about something for just a minute, things are going to get worse before they get better.....why? Cause your letting your emotions take over, been there done that, 100x over. Your still reacting not proactive. Its still so earl in your sitch, every interaction feels like ripping the Band-Aid off, then your husband pours salt in the wound. Because you give up your power.
I get it, really I do, this early in the sitch you can throw self confidence out the window. Your still trying so hard at times find the why? the how? the when? You may never get those answers.
It will get better, it takes time, sometimes a long time. The more power you give up about yourself, the longer it takes. The sitch feels much more raw, when theres OP involved, but the spouse still lives at home, and the lies are incredible. I know some say its best to have them stay home, but until you have some control over yourself, it can fell like Russian roulette with your emotions. You might pull it off 5 shots out of 6, but wow the 6th one hurts.
I cant sit here and tell you to just forget about it, act as if your moving on. Lets face it, every person on this site has made the same mistakes you are. Its a process, your marriage is over, let it hurt. You cant fake mourning your marriage. Does it mean its over? no one knows that right now, you can keep a little hope that things will work out of course. But there is no fixing the marriage right now, and not anytime soon.
Its funny in a way, our spouses have made some comments, many of which we didn't agree with, some we even wonder where the heck that's even coming from? Then a funny thing happens, we actually start doing the things we couldn't believe they were saying about us in the first place. Most the time we start taking those reactions and bury ourselves in guilt, take on 99% of the blame, and sink into the fix it mode, or the I'm going to be better mode.
Detaching is about taking back your life, not giving up that power, doing things that make you happy. The 37 rules, really are there to help you protect yourself, prevent further damage, and are crucial at being able to find detachment. Its going to take time, your not going to be perfect. No one is.
Your out in the ocean your boat sank, the storm is bad, your drowning. Do you give up and sink? or do you fight for life? Eventually you find something to grab onto, something that can sustain you in the water, you stay afloat. Your out there a while, you start to give up hope. Think of all the things that keep you going? Are you glad when you going to see your kids again? What do you think its like for him not having his mom around? Would she ever come home? Wishing you wouldn't have missed some of the things you did in life. Vacations, that play, hitting a museum, that class? Then all of a sudden, a passing ship comes by and rescues you. Your saved. Now what was that list again? Use it to save yourself now. Cause for now, your in the middle of a stormy ocean.
LABug. I have the number for Alanon programmed in my phone. That is as far as I have gotten. I have been afraid to go to meeting because I didn't want my H to know. I will look at work schedule and see if I can do some creative tweaking to get to a daytime meeting.
In the meantime I will look through some of your posts to see if there are any tips to help
Tell me about the fear? What are you afraid of?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Re: Alanon. I am afraid of a lot of things. First I think H would be mad if he knew I went (although I really don't see how things could be worse than they are now. ) I also think that it will be the nail in the coffin of our M. I went to his mom a few years ago to talk to her about his drinking and he had never forgiven me.
Labug. I did go back and start to read some of your old posts. There was one where you quoted another poster saying it takes 1 month of consistent DB for every year of M to see any change. Today my goal is to be consistent for 1 day.
In the mess last night he said that he did want to work on things a month ago but then I bought Marriage Fitness book and that changed his mind because it was me controlling things again. (This was before I discovered DB and DR)
Labug- did your H get help with drinking during your time apart? I know (in theory if not yet in my heart) that nothing will change while that is still an issue. It just hurts to let go. Last night he said he only drinks because of me. Again I know it is not true but very hurtful.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
