Thanks Bug and GM. You know what's funny? Well, not "funny" - but....during IC this week my IC told me the exact same thing. That it is no longer me....it's her at this point.
I accept that she is not a project to fix, I think I am just trying to pull out of the notion that I need to prove myself to her as "not-the-man-she-left". Seems like she gets it sometimes - and still others she can somehow revert back to "we are toxic and unhealthy". Seems as if as long as I am caving in and giving her what she wants I am a good guy. Not good enough for R or rebuilding - but good. When I stand my ground, well, I am "unhealthy" and manipulative.
Case in point: I sent her a very kind response to why I was keeping my time with S over the holidays. I was VERY, VERY careful not to use "I" and "you" statements. I was careful of the tone and really spoke honestly about my feelings and what I wanted. To make sure she understood that it was not meant to be a scathing or hateful e-mail (even though there was no chance of it being read that way) I concluded by saying "I am saying all of this from a kind and caring place". She said in her e-mail back:
"Please refrain from telling me you are coming from a kind and caring place. That may make you feel better about yourself, but your actions speak otherwise. Kind and caring must mean something different to you than it does to me". It shouldn't have hurt my feelings, but it did.
Oh well....I guess it is her problem at this point. I just wish I didn't have to pay for her problem with time away from my son.
